who's on judge mathis today? #191

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: shawmika from buffalo, new york. omg shawmika looks so mad and sad walking into the courtroom that i almost didn’t notice her clothes? she appears to be on the verge of tears, which is very alarming, but at least her brown satin shirt and skirt are very very nice! honestly if i had to go to court for literally anything (a personal injury a fish and game violation a motor vehicle infraction a minor criminal offense, whatever) i would start crying the second i walked into the courtroom. i got served once (not in the fun way) when i was too young to care about consequences and i skipped court because i didn’t give a shit, and nothing happened except a bill in my mailbox that i took three years to pay. i do not advise this legal strategy, as there is probably a warrant for my arrest gathering dust on a skokie judge’s desk somewhere!

defendant: anthony from buffalo, new york. anthony is a large mountain of a man dressed head to toe in black, with a neat little goatee and two cornrows braided into a crown. adorable!!!

the complaint: shawmika is suing anthony for a honeymoon cruise, emotional distress, and car damage. oh yikes i feel like i know where this is going and it’s nowhere good.

what does she want: $4640

how it went down: shawmika says that when she first met anthony everything was great, he was great with her kids, their relationship was solid, and then he stood her up at the altar. WHAT? she says it so casually that i had to go back and watch it again, also i suggest we immediately adjourn and take this case straight to murder court™ where it can be properly adjudicated. no wonder she walked into the room crying!!!!! america’s messiest judge™ is like, “hold on don’t just blow by that, describe it!” and yeah girl please give us the tea. i’m picturing sweaty pits in an itchy white dress, a church full of people pretending like they don’t want to die of secondhand embarrassment, a furious dad loading a shotgun, caterers packing up shriveled chicken breasts and wilted vegetables back into their coolers, a distant relative sneaking their card full of cash out of the gift pile. what a nightmare!

shawmika says she guesses it was just cold feet but before she can give us the dirt, anthony cuts in to say that of course he wanted to marry her and, as a matter of fact, he still does, but they’d gotten into an argument the day before the wedding and shawmika wasn’t answering her phone the morning of so he decided to go to work (???) instead of to their wedding. hold the fucking phone, are my worlds colliding?????

i buy the excuse that they had a fight and she wouldn’t answer her phone so he assumed the wedding was off, but absolutely not if anthony also wants us to believe that he’s still in love and wants to be married. TO SHAWMIKA. sir, that’s a stunt you pull when you never want to talk to someone again, not if you expect that person to eventually become your spouse? sorry my man but i can’t file my fucking taxes with a dude who decided to work a shift at the car wash or whatever the fuck just because i wasn’t answering my phone……………………….on a day i was preparing to be visually picked over by the vultures i invited to our wedding ceremony to burn with jealousy on my special day??????? apologies for not texting right back, pal, i was just TRYING TO MAKE SURE YOU DIDN’T WALK DOWN THE AISLE WITH A MOTHERFUCKING SHITGOBLIN.

i’d have more respect if dude was like “listen babe, i saw an exit and i took it.” who can’t relate? i do shit like that all the time! kirsten will be down in the basement, ankle deep in pickled beans and cured meats or whatever homesteader shit she does down there, and i’ll be upstairs and whisper “hey i’m going to shawarma king, you want an eggplant sandwich?” under my breath and when she doesn’t answer i shrug like “oh well, guess you don’t!” but that’s not a game you play on your wedding day! i’m talking about being a rascal and screwing a woman over on a $4 wrap from the middle eastern spot, not ruining her $100000000000000+ wedding (that’s what they cost, right) and humiliating her in front of her family and friends (and fellow patrons of the new york public library)!!!!!!!!!

greg, a true gossip’s gossip, again presses shawmika for her version of events. if i was her television court-appointed lawyer i would lean over and say “sweetie, he clearly wants to roast this dude for you, go ahead and hand him a match.” i’m not sure if she’s shy or if the pain is just too deep, but i am begging her to air the dude out! it’s like pulling teeth but shawmika finally offers this morsel: she was standing at the altar calling anthony over and over again while everyone watched and he refused to answer his phone. that’s enough testimony for me! GUILLOTINE.

so it sounds like the fight they had was over rent and anthony didn’t want to pay his half, to which i say: girl, he did you a favor. when the trash takes itself out?????? that is a gift! they fought over going splitsies on rent, after which anthony walked outside the house then kicked and punched her car, causing $800 in damage. there was another car incident prior to that during which anthony assaulted shawmika while she was driving and then, as she tried to drive to the police station for help, grabbed the steering wheel and crashed them into another woman’s car, and okay maybe those were fear tears in shawmika’s eyes? where is the firing squad?????

shawmika has tons of papers in her accordion of truth™ with estimates and police reports and hopefully the number of her local hitman, and she gathers all her evidence and submits it to the judge, who i’m sure is currently loading a pistol under the bench. what kind of asshole grabs the steering wheel in the middle of a busy intersection? also, would you like both an assault and an attempted murder charge??? do you know how many people could’ve been hurt????????? fuck a lawsuit, homegirl needs to call john wick.

the ruling: oh right, the cruise! shawmika wants money because she had to forfeit their honeymoon cruise, but she won the cruise in a raffle and greg is like “i can’t give you money for a gift! you can still go!! take your mother!!!” and shawmika starts to explain that she can’t do that because her mother doesn’t like to fly and ma’am that is not the POINT. her delivery is so dry and restrained and i can tell it’s killing greg, who really is trying to coach her into being a better storyteller but shawmika is actively refusing so now it’s killing me. at least pretend you bought $1300 worth of swimsuits that you can’t return!

she wants two grand for pain and suffering and greg is like “please, i am literally on my knees begging you, pretty please tell a compelling version of the cold feet story so i can give you a couple thousand dollars” and i’m over here on my knees (just kidding, i could never get up, i would just die like that) pleading “shawmika, my darling, just describe the look of horror on your mother’s face? talk about how your fairytale was ruined?? tell him how hard the flower girls cried, how your sister sneered and said she knew you couldn’t keep a man, how the minister laughed in your stunned face, how your makeup melted down your cheeks under the heat of everybody’s accusatory gaze, dear god please pretend you are on the moth!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

but shawmika didn’t do that, she just repeated “he got cold feet and that’s bad” and greg is sick of this, he gives her the money for the car damage and is clearly pissed that she didn’t paint a narrative to justify his giving her the rest (although he probably could…? isn’t he god here???), and here’s hoping she uses some of it to take a storytelling class!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “let me stop before i yell at you. i’m not like judge judy, she’ll yell at you before she knows the facts!”

*bangs gavel*