who's on judge mathis today? #192

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: ugh i just logged into outlook and saw an email from the cut with the subject line “the global pursuit of a bigger butt” and I LOGGED THE FUCK BACK OUT. i’m not gonna put too fine of a point on this but 1 where were these attitudes when i was a fat, homely teen who felt hideous and unlovable because of my size and 2 they never mean an actual big butt that can only wear pants from woman within, they mean a “big” butt that you buy from a doctor that’s still actually pretty small but looks enormous under a cinched 24" waist! do whatever you want, who cares, but my kingdom for one of these articles to say “to get a bigger butt, eat some cheese and bread.” enough of my stupid bullshit, our plaintiff today is gregory from chickasaw, alabama, a bald, stocky little hot fudge sundae who looks like he appreciates a dumptruck ass. he’s wearing a fetching black dress shirt with a black satin tie, smart-looking round tortoiseshell frames, a neat lil mustache, and a big gold watch and gold bracelet. his accordion of truth™ is as stuffed as his fancy shirt.

defendant: jennah from chickasaw, alabama. see????? i know a dude whose BlackPlanet username was “BBW LUVR 6969” when i see one! in 2003 i got so many messages from gregorys that were like “i wanna buy you a pepperoni pizza and let you use my face as a toilet” and you know what? i miss those! anyway jennah is a bronze zaftig goddess in a pale yellow blouse, black blazer, and that one metallic plum lipstick every african american girl is gifted at birth and required to wear to every special occasion until we drop dead.

the complaint: gregory says he was dating jennah when she got pregnant, but he claims she was also fooling around with her ex and has petitioned the court for a DNA test. he’s suing her for breach of contract. (did she not do the human toilet thing, or…?)

what does he want: $1100 countersuit hell yeah: jennah would like $2835 for “personal property.”

how it went down: gregory kicks things off by saying he would like a dna test because he believes jennah was cheating with her ex. i have paused the tape, but if this baby is more than a few months old i will be mad. greg and i must be spiritually aligned because he interrupts to ask “how old is the child?” and gregory replies “four years old.” well i absolutely hate this. i know dna testing is wildly expensive but my man, you either should’ve taken her to maury three years ago OR just resign yourself to being the de facto father of this child. now i’m not a pediatrician (you were wondering, weren’t you) but don’t four year olds make memories and shit? the kid knows this person as his dad now, right? he’s not a fucking goldfish, you can’t cosplay as daddy for four years and then bounce without leaving some emotional scarring, damn!

gregory says he met jennah on “a dating app” (I TOLD Y’ALL) and forgive me but here is some inside scoop: i had a meeting with the producers and execs that make the show and the first question i asked bo banks was “why don’t you guys ask litigants what websites they met on?” and she was like “because i’m not giving them free advertising!” on the one hand, word. on the other??? i’m not sure these often-sordid relationships qualify as good advertisement so why not let the slander fly?

gregory says he knew jennah was cheating on him with her ex the judge asks how and he says “they would hang out all the time and she would come home late at night.” when pressed on his reaction to this transgression, gregory says “it didn’t bother me because i trusted her.” yes my left eyebrow shot up but don’t worry, judge mathis is on it: “well when did you stop trusting her?” yeah man, either she’s a vicious cheat or a lady who just liked to kick it with her male friend sometimes, can’t be both! gregory’s answer? a deeply unsatisfying “a little later.” it’s always bananas to me when someone comes on here with the presumption that accusation = guilt; sir, i don’t know if you’ve watched this program before but we (the judge and i, ahem) require proof.

greg clocked him. “man, you’re gonna have to give me some evidence if you want me to believe that a woman you ‘trusted’ for months is suddenly a cheater. i bet you didn’t think she was cheating on you until she had a baby you didn’t want to pay child support for.” AND NOW WE SAID IT. get his ass, greg! gregory doesn’t have a rebuttal for this, of course, just plows ahead saying that despite his many doubts he took care of jennah and the baby, which i am assuming he’d like a parade in his honor for having done. this isn’t new, but it is always a little surprising when a man is like “give me some praise for financially supporting this life i created!” we’re still doing that?

ok so a year ago gregory says he helped jennah and this same ex-boyfriend (!!!!!!!!!!!) start a hot dog business. the jokes? they write themselves! gregory says that jennah started to become “very disrespectful” (yeah, okay) and that furthered his suspicions. finally jennah gets to talk, and she says gregory was the cheater in this relationship. OH OF COURSE. jennah has a ream of paper in her accordion of truth™ and her first pieces of evidence are printouts of several dating profiles gregory had while the two of them were together. god this is so juicy and i fucking love it. judge mathis can’t even contain his giddiness, grinning like a cheshire cat as he thumbs through the pages.

“just looking for friends to hang out with,” he reads. “i like to go out to eat, shoot pool, and go for walks in the park.” what is this tired ass drivel? should i start a side business spicing up people’s ourtime dot com profiles???? where is the humor, the playfulness, the charisma??????? did anyone ever respond to my witty and hilarious okcupid profile (username: FARTTHROB)? no! but i’m ugly so i get it. would i have been drowning in ass if i’d, say, had all my teeth and grew my hair out??? probably!!!!!!

jennah says that throughout their relationship it was understood that she would have a baby she stayed home to raise and gregory would be the provider. they’d talked about marriage and buying a house, and it was always her dream to eventually open a sandwich shop. jennah says the man in question was her best friend, and she never stayed out all night with him, except for when he gave her his hotdog business. the judge holds his composure for approximately a millisecond before he and the entire courtroom burst out laughing, and i just found a new way to tell a man i have a crush on him. *bats eyelashes* “excuse me, handsome, but i would love it if you gave me your hotdog business.”

the ruling: according to jennah, her ex inherited a hotdog business and he offered it to her and gregory, gregory agreed that they’d take it over, but then as jennah was spending long hours learning the business and slangin’ hot meat tubes at mardi gras he accused her of having an affair.

gregory says the breach of contract is for an $1100 loan he gave jennah and mister sausage. jennah says he didn’t give her shit, that she invested in the business with her own money. the judge asks gregory for evidence and when doyle the bailiff went to collect his little wrinkled sheet of paper he stopped and said “is this it?” UH OH. doyle rarely speaks so you know when he does it’s gonna be a problem. jennah says gregory put her and the baby out of the house (hello??????) and called the police to escort her off his property, and jennah is suing for the value of the things she had to leave behind. dang, isn’t this how it always goes? my man nearly broke his fucking arm patting himself on the back for buying a couple cans of formula but it somehow slipped his mind that he forced that same child into homelessness. GUILLOTINE, MY MAN.

gregory’s “evidence” includes proof that the money he gave jennah was a gift, and ooh boy what a moron. he wrote something like “$1300, a gift of love for my woman” on this receipt he brought to court to support his case that the money he’d given jennah needed to be repaid. i’m crying. this is so dumb. i mean, at least white out the “gift” of it all????? what is gregory doing! okay jennah’s counterclaim is granted because duh, dude kicked her and her baby out into the street! come on!

gregory is like “well whatever let just get to the dna” and that makes greg mad and finally we get to the cuss out i’ve been waiting for. all those hotdog jokes were cute but i needed judge mathis to give my man the business and he rips into him, saying “why did you wait so many years? you let it ride for four years, letting the child think you were the father when you’d been questioning it all along? does the child call you ‘daddy?’ (yes) is the child’s last name yours? (also yes) and you let that child believe that for four years? why would you do that?? why would you mislead that innocent child?????” gregory can’t find all that piss and vinegar he came into the courtroom with, he just stands behind the podium like a kicked dog as the judge lets him have it.

“you trusted her?” the judge thunders and, in the chastened voice gregory is now using he replies, “i did.” then comes the kill shot: “just like you did give her a baby.” he holds the dna results up for emphasis and jennah starts clapping, and i hope we see them in child support court next!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “i’ma leave the hotdog business alone. you gave me a lot of material there but this is a family show!”

*bangs gavel*