who's on judge mathis today? #193

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: deandre from fort wayne, indiana. deandre is wearing a purple checked shirt and enormous diamond studs, and it’s clear he’s been doing his skincare because my man’s face is downright luminous. what i wouldn’t give for his ethereal shine! (until i wake up in deandre’s glowing body on freaky friday i will continue to do what i can with that estee lauder shit that comes in the brown bottle old bitches such as myself are always blathering on about and the samples of tatcha water cream my homie keeps sending me because i refuse to break down and buy a jar.)

defendant: andrea from fort wayne, indiana. stunning tomato red belted peplum top, hair swooped to one side, beige pencil skirt: THE GLAMOUR.

the complaint: deandre is suing his wife for a tax refund OH NO OH NO OH NO! not the dreaded tax refund lawsuit!

what does he want: $5000!!!!!!!!!

how it went down: after an ad for sephora’s “clean” skincare (do the robots know deandre is a dewy king or is the algorithm fucking with me?) deandre says that he came home from being incarcerated for a year (for fraud, you know the judge asked) and discovered that his wife of seven and a half years had moved his little brother in. “wait like a roommate?” i asked my computer screen, scratching my head. deandre keeps looking over at the (equally succulent) young man standing to the right of andrea behind the defendant podium and greg asks, all innocent like, “what do you keep looking over there for?” and i, a genius, shout “oh my god, that’s the brother!” at the same time deandre groans, “because that’s my little brother.”

wowie wow wow what a twist! [insert some well-worn anecdote about betrayal and how i would straight up murder my sibling blah blah blah] greg’s messy ass says “maybe he was just at the house mowing the lawn?” and deandre rolls his eyes and says, “okayyyyy…if that’s what you wanna call it.” deandre says that when his brother was 15 he’d spent the summer with him and his wife to get away from a tough life at home; hung out at the house with his wife, played football with deandre and the kids, etc. regular little brother kind of stuff. super cute. but lil bro is 21 now, and when deandre got home from prison he told him that he had been banging his wife.

i can’t even imagine that conversation? first of all, it’s a trap. i’m guessing the best time to tell a man you’ve been blowing his wife’s back out on the regular is the day he finishes a bid and is the least likely to risk going back??? like he hadn’t even washed the jail off yet! can’t he get a cheeseburger and a beer before you fuck up his freedom?????????

andrea says that deandre has been in and out of jail their entire 7+ year relationship and that she has been both the breadwinner and the backbone of their family. she says that during this last stint in prison she and the children got evicted, she was in a bad car accident, and she’d had to move several times. once they found stable housing she got a message from the brother (no one has said his name yet i’m so sorry) saying that he was selling drugs and doing bad things and he needed to get away from home and change his life. andrea, who clearly should be nominated for sainthood, said “ok move in with us and i’ll help you get your shit together.”

she says that she hadn’t anticipated developing feelings for [deandre’s brother], but he started feeling some type of way about her, then she started feeling some type of way about him, and listen i love romance as much as the next idiot but not when i’m having trouble keeping the lights on and i’ve known you since you were a teenager??? literally get that milky breath away from me!!!!!!!!

if he had his druthers judge mathis would keep gossiping but, alas, there’s a tax return to litigate. he asks deandre when he and andrea got divorced and deandre says they’re still married and i, a television-trained trial attorney, say “wait can you actually sue your spouse for joint marital property?” let’s find out! deandre says that while he was locked up andrea told him that they’d gotten a big tax return, and when he left prison in may he was shocked to discover that all $7258 of the refund had been spent. dang, how many surprises is one person supposed to take???

but also: SIR, she has three of your children and a household to maintain and you were earning 12¢ an hour working the dining room in the pen what the fuck else was she supposed to do? put it in an interest-earning savings account????? come on! andrea basically says as much, then adds that this isn’t the first time deandre has signed his taxes over to her while he was locked up. two years prior he was in jail and they did the same dance in which deandre gave andrea power of attorney and she filed taxes on his behalf and then used the refund money to raise his children. sounds like, ummm what do they call that? OH YEAH, PARENTING.

the ruling: andrea says that when she got the money she put some on deandre’s books and told him she was going to use the rest to feed the children and keep a roof over their heads. even if she didn’t, not much he can do about it from behind bars. greg says that they should’ve stopped by divorce court on their way to the show today, because he can’t make this kind of decision between a husband and wife. case dismissed, and i’ll see y’all after i take the LSAT.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “did you warn him? you coulda said ‘if you don’t stop going to jail i’m gonna get with your brother.’ maybe that would’ve made him straighten up!”

*bangs gavel*