who's on judge mathis today? #194

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated court show of all time

plaintiff: martell from montgomery, illinois. pretty sure he is wearing the exact same outfit i wore for picture day in the fifth grade: burgundy v-neck sweater, hot pink collared shirt beneath. the only thing that’s missing is the dinner plate-sized spectacles they made me take off because the horrifying glare from the flash made my head look like galaxy brain.

defendant: blake aka “sasha love” from montgomery, illinois. now i wouldn’t have known blake was born a man if the announcer hadn’t made a point to say so because miss mama is serving. i’m talking a “all stars contestant who upgraded all her clothes and wigs after her original drag race season” kind of serve. straight blonde wig, complicated looking black dress, many sparkly jewels dangling from her ears and hanging luxuriously from her neck, a shiny cream-colored coat draped over her arm: truly a vision!!!!

the complaint: martell is suing for the cost of a dress.

what does he want: $650! on the one hand, this amount is maaaaaybe not worth the hassle of going to court. on the other, A SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY AMERICAN DOLLAR DRESS?????????? fashion is the one committing a crime! sasha would like $1000 for slander, which is exciting!

how it went down: martell says that he and sasha have been friends for ten years, they met at a club where they both performed as female impersonators and a friendship grew from there. martell says that lately sasha has been exhibiting some wild behaviors like being promiscuous (nothing wrong with that) and “twerking in walmart every day” (hmmm that feels like a great thing to do, sorry). sasha interjects to ask what’s wrong with twerking (seriously if you’ve got the kind of ass-controlling precision a proper twerk requires you should be legally allowed to twerk wherever the fuck you want) and greg says “well some might consider it lewd in the middle of a walmart” to which sasha replies, “your honor, i don’t twerk there. i’ve been banned from walmart for ten years.”

i’ve only been to walmart once in my life because the closest one to me in chicago was further than target, and the one in kalamazoo feels further from my crib than two targets (i’m not, like, looking up mileage) but even i wonder what exactly you have to even do to get banned from one??? people shop at walmart in their underwear without incident, right? what the fuck has sasha done in that damn store??????

okay okay martell is gonna clear the shit up for us: blake jones has been banned from walmart, but sasha love still goes there several times a week, and when she does she likes to twerk on this one married guy who works there. come on, girl! i’m not a lawyer (you were wondering, weren’t you) but even i know that you can fucking breathe on a person and be charged with assault, so unwelcome twerking is an absolute no no. and sasha says as much: “if i was twerking on a married man who didn’t like it, wouldn’t i be in jail right now?” point taken, miss love! you may continue grinding your booty on that hot cashier!

greg asks sasha what blake did to get banned from a national goddamn chain (how do they even enforce that) and immediately answers his own question. “was blake stealing?” martell pipes up with a resounding “YES” and sasha laughs and says “no, i was with someone who was stealing. [dramatic pause] would you like to know who that person was?” i would! i would!!! “i was with martell west.” ok bitch i officially love them. what a life, two drag queens who get up every day and hang out at walmart until it’s time to put some wigs on and go to the club? dreamy!

martell martells a story about sasha passing out drunk in a women’s bathroom that isn’t funny or relevant so i’ma fast forward past that to the reason we’re here today: THE DRESS. sasha and martell have a deal when they perform at the same gig that the one who isn’t performing at the time keeps an eye on the other one’s stuff. sounds fair! one night martell was onstage and left his belongings with sasha as usual, and when he finished he went to look for her and she was nowhere to be found. and neither were his things. i’m sure you’ve heard me say this before (because i’m a hack) but the tenth circle of hell is that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you first realize you’ve lost your wallet or keys on a loop, for eternity. that’s the worst fucking feeling!

martell, clearly an optimist, first thought to himself “maybe sasha did the responsible thing and took my stuff wherever she went.” what kind of therapist do i need to fix my brain so it thinks like his? i would cycle through increasingly-horrible possibilities (she stole my shit, she let someone else steal my shit, she was quietly murdered and her blood got all over my shit and the killer took it so he could get rid of the evidence) until i spiraled myself into an anxiety attack! but not martell, he just circled the bar several times looking in all the nooks and crannies until he found sasha drunkenly “grinding on some man,” his expensive dress nowhere in sight.

he says sasha was essentially like “my bad” and helped martell look for it. the next day, when she’d sobered up, she admitted to losing track of his things and offered to pay for them. martell says he wrote a promissory note that sasha signed (regrettably, he does not have this note in his accordion of truth™), and she paid him a hundred dollars, which means we are now talking about a $750 dress!!!!!!!!!

sasha’s like “no i didn’t” and then shadily explains that she and martell do NOT perform together, he is not at her level, what they did was participate in the same benefit show. she then explains to greg, who is delighted btw, that a benefit show is when one girl invites a whole bunch of other girls to perform and then at the end of the night everybody gives the hostess their collective tips. that is beautiful, and another example of how the system is literally failing everyone all the time. but her point is they aren’t exclusive, it’s a whoever wants to show up and lip sync can kind of deal. sasha turns to doyle the bailiff and says, “if i give you a wig right now they’ll go out and put you in a benefit show.” monique i would like to see it dot gif!

even though sasha is saying a bunch of mean and shady shit about the quality of martell’s drag she does admit that she agreed to watch his stuff? her version is that they were sitting next to each other and martell performed after she did and instead of going down to her seat she mingled with people at the show. okay so she’s admitting guilt, right??????? the five minutes homegirl spent shitting on martell’s stage presence would’ve been better served coming up with a convincing lie! martell says that as she was coming off the stage and he was going on sasha confirmed that she was heading down to keep an eye on his stuff. sasha says “right, but i didn’t!” so...right you owe him some money? am i confused or is she????????

the ruling: the judge asks sasha about her counterclaim for slander and she nods to her witness jamar to say that he will corroborate her “mingling” defense. greg is like “that’s cute but the drama is over babe get to the facts,” and sasha says that after the dress incident martell went around to clubs telling people not to book her at shows and calling her a thief. martell, who has the cutest little baby face whose features he has arranged to look as innocent as possible, says that when people in the scene asked him about sasha’s stage presence all he did was tell them “she’s a cheap version of beyoncé” and when they asked if he’d ever gotten his dress back he truthfully told them he hadn’t, and he can’t be held responsible for what those people inferred from these facts. GOD I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE DO THEIR LEGAL HOMEWORK. how many episodes of night court do you think martell watched to prepare for this case???

greg asks sasha if she can prove that whatever martell said led directly to a loss of income for her and she gestures to jamar again (jamar has remained seated this entire time and looks like he’d throw up on himself if he’s actually called to speak) and says that jamar works at a club she’s been trying to get into and can verify that she hasn’t booked a gig there because of all these falsehoods martell is spreading. martell jumps in to say sasha stays booked, that the incident between them hasn’t had a deleterious effect on her business at all. if anything, he’s helping her!

jamar takes a swig of pepto and steels himself long enough to stand up and make his way to the podium, and he says that martell is a liar because he did tell him that sasha was a thief and stole his dress therefore he shouldn’t book her. judge mathis says, “did that stop you from hiring her?” and jamar says, “yeah! i didn’t want her stealing from us!” greg dusts off his perry mason costume to say, “aha! that means you believed him, which means he isn’t lying and you’re here on behalf of a thief!” what was that sound? oh yeah, that was my bottom jaw s h a t t e r i n g against the floor. what a thrilling and hilarious trap!!!!! i really do be forgetting sometimes that greg is a real live trained lawyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sasha sees her ship headed for the iceberg and tries to steer it in a different direction. “wait! judge! we talked about it and worked it out!” to which greg replies, “then you didn’t lose anything because he’s gonna hire you, right?” jamar cocks his head and says, “alright, greg!” and everybody busts out laughing, judgment for the plaintiff, who i sincerely hope will invest some of those winnings in a combination lock.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: ABSOLUTELY NOT. my man’s not trying to get run off television by glaad or the aclu or whoever the fuck! he’s an ally!!!!!!!!

*bangs gavel*