who's on judge mathis today? #195

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

~a bit of housekeeping~
this probably applies to none of you happily reading this rn, BUT: you gotta be out of your motherfucking rabbit ass mind if you think you can talk shit to me about this email you both 1 choose to receive and 2 have delivered to your inbox for free.
16,308 people are currently signed up to get this newsletter and 1487 of those people pay $5 for the pleasure of doing so. which means there are 1487 people who would be, i don’t know, well within their rights to demand a ride from me to the store? and 14,821 other people who should probably just relax and laugh at these bad jokes.
over the past week i’ve gotten 20+ (sounds like not a lot, but too goddamn many for me!) reply emails bitching about me or yelling at me in a mean way to unsubscribe them from “this garbage” (there is a link at the bottom of every email, sweetys), so many, in fact, that i wondered if people were signing other people up as as a prank or something? who has time for any of this! also every single one of said messages came from non-subscribers (i can see that!!!!!), which is a federal crime.

and hey man, fuck me. you truly don’t have to pay for this nonsense. i don’t hide these posts behind a paywall and you don’t owe me shit, we’re just having good, clean, consensual fun here. but i also won’t, like, listen to you complain about me to my fucking face??? lmao for zero dollars????????? eat shit! all this to say that a handful of jerks ruined it for everybody else who’s cool as hell and on the receiving end of my undying love. i turned on the double opt-in (if you sign up for this dumb shit you really gotta want it) and shut email replies off. that hate mail is now in internet purgatory, babe. so if you want to tell me i’m a dumb fucking asshole or whatever the fuck, you have to write it on the back of a fresh receipt for any of my (full-priced) books and send it via carrier pigeon. TO YOUR MOM’S HOUSE.

plaintiff: ronald from brentwood, missouri. ronald has kind of a mister rogers thing going on in his cozy little chocolate brown sweater over a white dress shirt and dark slacks. ronald looks like a mild-mannered retired social studies teacher, which makes me wonder how in the world he heard about this show!

defendant: d’anna from farmington, missouri. d’anna is wearing a teal tank top beneath a black blazer, which i believe fashionistas call “adding a pop of color.” d’anna doesn’t have a scrap of evidence with her today, not even a purse with an ID in it, and i appreciate this bold and confident strategy. also don’t let that apostrophe fool you, these people are white.

the complaint: ronald is suing his stepdaughter’s half-sister (hello???????) for a loan for a dental bill, and my teeth just started hurting at the thought of it!

what does he want: $475 oh come the hell on, ronald!!!!!!!!

how it went down: ronald says that d’anna is “the younger half-sister of a stepdaughter of [his]” and as a person with zero full-blooded siblings i understand this, but also why not just say “daughter?” you only make a distinction like that when you’re making a point, and i guess ronald’s point here is “get your real dad to buy you some new teeth!” ronald says that he’s known d’anna since she was a teenager but they haven’t spoken much since his wife died of liver failure a few years ago.

ronald says that one day a couple years after her death his daughters called him and said, “remember, d’anna? she needs help fixing her teeth.” he says that they warned him not to give her any money but he’s just such a goodhearted dude that he couldn’t say no. d’anna interjects here to say that isn’t exactly true, that ronald offered her the money and with it a proposition to give her some penis as well. okay so………………maybe ronald’s point was actually “you’re not my daughter or a blood relation in any way, i would absolutely love to bang you.”

d’anna says that ronald was with her on the day of her procedure, holding her hand as they gassed her up and pulled her teeth. i got a couple of wisdom teeth pulled a month ago and the only company i had was the doctor’s voice saying, “shit, this bastard is really in here tight!” as he put his foot on my chest for leverage as he pried my fancy bones out of my skull as i lay there wide awake praying for lightning to strike me.

d’anna says ronald started calling after the procedure “just to check in,” then started to call more and more frequently asking her to come over to his house or to let him take her out to dinner. obviously where ronald fucked up was he should’ve invited her to a smoothie shop or the tylenol factory but what can i say, clearly i’m a hopeless romantic! greg asks d’anna if she ever took him up on any of his offers and she says no, she’s married with three kids!!!!!!! but she did call him occasionally to check in on his granddaughter, her niece, who was living with him at the time. and when she wasn’t home d’anna would chat with ronald about work…and the news…sometimes the weather…oh and also the problems she was having with her husband.

well that lights greg’s ass right up. “YOU TALKED TO HIM ABOUT YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS????” he screams. uhhh okay i get what he’s getting at but in what universe would you be concerned that your 67-year-old stepgrandfather-in-law once removed (or whatever the fuck) would listen to the problems in your love life and immediately pivot to trying to get in your ass????? i feel like that’s not really an anticipated outcome?????? we’re getting a little too “how short was your skirt” for my tastes. d’anna says “that’s not what i expected from a father figure!” and the judge is looking at her like “MM HMM” and i really hope this is not what we’re doing in here on this day? come on, greg!

the ruling: judge mathis busts out laughing and is like “i’m just messing with ya, ma’am” but it’s too late, i’ve already called gloria steinem. ronald pulls a bunch of papers out of his accordion of truth™ and says they had an agreement that d’anna would pay him back as soon as she was healed. d’anna says no, he saw what bad shape she was in and offered to help. ronald is like “yeah, i saw your face all gross and swelled up and i felt sorry for you!” the nerves in my teeth are pulsating with sympathy pain, brb gonna go hit myself in the head with a hammer.

d’anna says that not only was there no agreement, ronald didn’t start asking her for the money back until she turned down his advances. d’anna says it escalated from calling to see how her teeth were doing to asking her to go to dinner and go on weekend getaways. d’anna says that creeped her out (i mean, if my sister’s dad hit on me i would marry him and make a cinderella out of that bitch but that’s me) so she stopped answering ronald’s calls. d’anna says that ronald then resorted to messaging her on facebook, which is hilarious.

d’anna doesn’t have proof but ronald does! he hands greg a bunch of printed out facebook correspondence™ between him and d’anna in which he says “why won’t you have dinner with me” and she blows him off. but she does say “do you want the money back in cash?” at one point and case fucking closed. verdict for the plaintiff, who says “you’re cute, but not worth $475!” which is a very mean thing to say to your wife’s daughter’s father’s other daughter.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “i’m just curious, what would you, a woman in your 20s, have to talk about with him, a man in his 60s? the latest movies? nightclubs?? fashion???”

*bangs gavel*