who's on judge mathis today? #196

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: will from st. paul, minnesota. i went to minneapolis once during a book tour and the twin cities are cute as hell. i did a reading at this bookstore called moon palace that has a pizza shop in it, which is a thing all pizza parlors should consider, although i did have a lot of anxiety worrying about people getting grease stains in their books. imagine what my life could be like if i didn’t grind my teeth to stumps freaking out over someone else’s potential mess! anyway, will is wearing a deep magenta structure-type dress shirt with a purple tie and black sport coat, and his hair is in dozens of tidy little cornrows zigzagging across his scalp.

defendant: david from cottage grove, minnesota. david looks like every nice suburban boss you’ve ever had (black suit/blue shirt/kohl’s tie) but with an incredible twist (long david cassidy-esque hair!!!!!!!!!) that i literally cannot tear my eyes away from.

the complaint: will is suing his “unscrupulous” ex-boss for unpaid wages.

what does he want: $4004, an incredibly specific amount! countersuit in the building: david would like $5000 (holy shit!) for defamation.

how it went down: will says he met david in november 2015 when he (david) was a “spotter” for the repossession company will worked for. i’m sorry, the WHAT. goddamn is that the most narc-ass job you’ve ever heard of in your life or what?????? before i find out what that actually is, here’s my guess: he’s the guy that lowkey follows people or monitors their houses to catch them unawares so the repo man can come snatch that car back in the middle of the night? that’s some sinister shit! how do you sleep at night being THAT GUY???

will says when he first met david he thought he was a good dude but after he got to know him he realized he had some “unscrupulous business practices.” well, okay, not to blame the victim, BUT: look at the business you’re in!!!!! i’m sorry but you’re mad that the guy who works at the “asset recovery company” is fucking shady????? it’s not like you’re working with a minister, the dude takes cars in the middle of the night from poor people! it’s the literal definition of a thing jesus would not do!!!!!

okay greg wants to know what the unscrupulous practices (how many times can i type that) are and here are will’s examples: 1 david doesn’t own any tow trucks despite being in “asset recovery” (i’m sorry, these words are so funny to me) and 2 david has a “very dark sense of humor.” okay remind me to never go into the repo business because i’m dark as hell. greg is like [constipated “who cares” face] and then will says that david will also pretend the debtors haven’t given him the car keys even when they have because he can charge the company $225 when he returns the car to them, which sounds like the kind of shit a repo man would pull. not bernice, though. bernice would never do no raggedy shit like that.

david says that he was the one who contracted will to do some towing for his company. oh yeah, will is suing for lost wages, how was he talking like this man wasn’t his fucking boss? david said that he and will got along great until he realized will “has ice water running through his veins.” okay i wasn’t gonna say anything but will is an incredibly smooth and articulate talker, like one of those people who sounds like they’re selling you something even when they’re just telling you how their day went. he’s almost *too* charming, you know? speaking of, david says that after he hired him will seduced david’s secretary and recorded pornographic videos of her that he then showed to the entire staff. excuse me??????? clearly it’s time to head next door to murder court. somebody wheel in the guillotine while i locate my waterproof boots!

david says that in addition to that wild ass shit (trust me, that’s a legal term) while he was staying in florida for six weeks while his mother died in hospice david crashed several of his vehicles and lied about it then stole all of his tools. i think what’s the most bonkers about this is that will (whom david calls “willie”) sounds like an english professor in court so it’s hard to reconcile what david is saying with will’s vocabulary (he used the word “reprimand,” which is not too fancy for life but is absolutely too fancy for this show?) and general demeanor. speaking of, will tries to explain his behavior by saying “as a conglomerate, and taking into consideration his divorce and his mom’s decline, we decided not to tell david about the crash…” and obviously he’s full of shit but he does sound kind of convincing at first listen? anyway this is why i’m a perfect fucking target for a con.

here’s the gist of will’s complaint, which i had to listen to three times because he uses so many nonsensical $3 words that it’s hard to parse what he’s actually saying: david suspended him for the totaled car before firing him for theft, and will says that suspension was supposed to have been paid. i’m not kidding, my guy is trying to mansplain minnesota employment law and all this other shit but essentially his final check was short and now he wants the difference. but his only proof is his assumption, which doesn’t work in court, even in this one.

the judge asks david what his defamation countersuit is for and he says that when will crashed his cars (remember, he was in florida watching his mom die) he refused to give david any information about who the accident was with and why he didn’t get insurance information, which is why he suspended his ass. he says that they texted for weeks and will was saying a bunch of bullshit but never the truth, then gives the judge a stack of printed out text messages in which he says, pretty clearly, “you are suspended without pay.” not to cape for a man who owns a repo business but you can’t fuck up the man’s shit with zero explanation and expect him to continue paying you while he’s spending every day holding his mom’s hand in some dreary hospice facility! that’s demonic behavior!!!!!!!!

the ruling: this is so convoluted i don’t even know how to pick it all apart, so if this doesn’t make sense too bad! will filed a harassment restraining order against david for texting him. a detective called david and said, “we have a racially-charged email from you to will.” david was like “WHAT?” because he certainly wouldn’t email this dude after having his texts restrained! the detective forwarded him the email, in which he both absolves will of the crimes on the company car (“i know you didn’t mean to mess up the car, it’s fine, i’m grateful you covered for my business”) and also tells him “there are only a few honorable black people, and you’re not one of them?” lmao are you shitting me. i don’t know a lot of (open) racists but i have a hard time believing this is real. like…………..are racists patting us on the head before calling us n-words now? did i miss the NAACP memo??????

no need to call the southern poverty law center or whatever, the email is fake. will had access to david’s laptop while he was out of town, but more damning than that is the recording of will saying, “i sent it from your email” that david plays for the court. i’m screaming. what’s a $3 word for “loser?”

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “yeah he’s a good con man, to anybody that doesn’t recognize game.”

*bangs gavel*