who's on judge mathis today? #197

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: ashley from buffalo, new york. ashley is a zaftig beauty in a knit periwinkle tunic with a scoop neck and ¾ sleeves, i.e. THE casually dressy midwestern mom shirt. way back in the early 00s i worked in an office (on john schmidt’s failed illinois attorney general campaign, can you even imagine) and i had a dozen of these sweater-blouses in every shade of menopause because it was the closest i could get to wearing pajamas while (kind of) looking like i fit in with all the wannabe aldermen barking into their cell phones around me. man, you want to talk about a godsend??? a miraculous piece of clothing that could go in a laundromat dryer but would also pass muster under the withering glares of republican churchgoers in arlington heights as we tap danced for their votes????? truly a miracle.

defendant: steven from buffalo, new york. well i am just tickled to death that everybody went to kohl’s to get new outfits for court today! steven is wearing a brown??? eggplant???? collared shirt under a purple?????? chocolate????????? sweater vest and dark slacks, and he has a mustache and soul patch that are so thin for a second i thought there was dried salsa on my computer screen.

the complaint: ashley and steven dated after meeting on facebook, but she caught him looking for other women on tinder and is now suing her ex for the cost of airfare and a hotel.

what does she want: $753?????? WHAT AIRLINE, WHAT HOTEL???????????

how it went down: ashley says it all began when she met steven on facebook, which reminds me that i have been off facebook for three years and while i do miss casually updating myself on people’s lives and bad opinions without having to talk to them i absolutely do not miss the chaos of the publicly accessible mailbox. ashley says that she and steven started dating shortly after they met and that everything in the relationship was going great until her friend sent her “a screenshot from a hookup site called tinder.” man, dating right now has got to be a fucking nightmare. all my single friends are dickheads with no charisma so i don’t get to hear a lot of dating horror stories, but on the rare occasion i do i’m just like “how can you deal with this, pal?” your friend saw your man on a dating app and snitched and now you both have to die of embarrassment???????? i wouldn’t survive. when my lady divorces me i’m joining a convent, dating is too stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when ashley confronted steven he claimed tinder was a “shopping app,” and at least this dude starts laughing at his own ridiculousness in court because my nerves cannot handle that being his actual defense? ashley says that steven claimed it was for “clothes and food” and as a person who’s ordered pizzas for dudes i boned off match dot com before i can see the twisted argument in this.

steven says everything was cool when they first started dating and that he only downloaded tinder so he could “promote [his] food and [his] music.” DID YOU JUST HEAR MY EYES ROLL ALL THE WAY BACK IN MY FUCKING HEAD. imagine you’re on tinder scrolling for a wholesome gentleman to take you to a matinee or to feed ducks in the park and up pops the worst rapper you’ve ever heard in your life trying to get you to go on soundcloud and listen to his fucking mixtape. this makes me want to cry! “i thought it was like any other social media, i wanted to sell my food,” steven says, and that reminds me that this dude i dated forever ago started selling rib tip dinners on facebook and got super fucking mad when i was like “what about the health department?” life is so hard.

the ruling: ashley says that on their four month anniversary (WHAT) they planned a trip to nyc for her birthday; steven was supposed to pay for both plane tickets and the hotel stay. she says that a week before they were scheduled to leave steven claimed that a family member had stolen all of his money, so ashley paid for the trip with the caveat that steven pay her back. ashley says that the trip was great but after they got back steven refused to pay her back, but he did give her $50 toward the trip six months later. i think they were still together, though? honestly how does that work, how do you stay with a person and either 1 not forgive the debt because who wants to fucking live like that or 2 remind them every day that they owe you until you die by their hand? just break up and send my guy an invoice!!!!!!!!!!

the judge asks if ashley had given steven a timeframe in which he had to get the money back to her and i’m gonna guess her strategy was just “nag him until i get dumped” because she didn’t. steven agrees that they were supposed to take this trip and he did get his money stolen, and he says he did have $200 left over after the theft but he spent that money on ashley in new york city! what did he get for that, two budweisers and a slice of pizza???? (i will never leave the middle west, i swear to god.) anyway steven doesn’t really have a defense, he says that he did promise to pay ashley the money so he actually does owe her. judgment for the plaintiff, and if you want to buy a catfish and spaghetti dinner from the defendant to help pay his legal fees head on over to www.adultfriendfinder.com!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “tinder is a shopping app! shopping for hookups!”

*bangs gavel*