who's on judge mathis today? #198

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: yehuda from chicago, illinois. yehuda is dressed for a wild night at excalibur circa 2009: shiny silver satin buttonless blazer, pale lavender v-neck, thick silver rope chain twinkling under the harsh studio lights, the brightness of the links rivaled only by the shimmer of his heavily-gelled swoop of hair. i used to party at dark holes in the wall like slicks and lava lounge, but on the occasions i found myself coaxed out to a “fancy” club by someone who didn’t know me very well it would be teeming with this kind of loud, coked-up, “put three more jager bombs on my tab” guy, and wow o wow do i miss going to the club.

defendant: ledonte from lansing, illinois. ledonte looks so serious and so mad i don’t even want to crack a joke lest he burst through the screen to ask me what the fuck i think is so funny, so i will just say he is very moisturized and his blonde cornrows look fresh as hell.

the complaint: yehuda says the defendant bought a suit from him and then began claiming he put a spell on it and demanded a refund, so now yehuda is suing for emotional distress and harassment. excuse me??? IS IT MY BIRTHDAY??????? this is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what does he want: $2000 countersuit hallelujah: ledonte would like $1300 for the cost of the suit and emotional distress! (honestly give it to him, he looks furious!)

how it went down: yehuda starts talking and my jaw hit my desk because he kind of sounds like…………….my man charles barkley??? here is a direct quote: “so my name is yehuda and they call me ‘russian yehuda’ aka ‘el blanco loco’ and basically i’m an entrepreneur, i hustle a lot, and i sell suits. everybody around chicago knows that if you need a quality suit, i’m the suit plug.” okay first of all, el blanco loco has a mouth full of los dientes de plata and are people still out here getting full paul wall top and bottom grills in the year of our lord 2021??? wow! second, i know i moved away or whatever, BUT: does “everybody” in chicago know that this dude has the hookup for all your bespoke suiting needs?????? brb gonna text every single man in my phone “hey babe do u have an el blanco loco suit hanging in your closet” with a bunch of heart and eyeball emojis. i’ll report back.

yehuda says he takes suit craftsmanship extremely seriously and has studied the art of the suit, he also has made custom suits for many celebrities. the judge says “like who?” and yehuda says that lil flip flew him down to texas to make him a suit for the red carpet. one of the many freedoms of being old is that i don’t ever feel the need to google someone popular and young, so if yehuda says lil flip is a huge celebrity that he designs custom fashions for? i will take him at his word. (seriously tho, who is that.) greg nods like he’s familiar (yeah right!) and asks what el blanco loco has on his wrist, and dude flashes a very large and expensive-looking rolex (??? probably?????) and chuckles, saying, “just a lil watch.” a lil flip, a lil watch, a lil lawsuit, got it.

greg gestures to el blanco loco and says “that’s how i dress when i’m not on the bench” and i’ve seen his instagram…………………………….he’s right. “people don’t know i’m fly like that! man, you’re sharp.” this wasn’t how i was expecting their interaction to go? what a pleasant surprise! yehuda said he had a lot of issues as a kid but he got his life together as an adult and making suits has been not only his passion project but a way out of a life of crime. he says that every suit he makes has a personality and he wants everyone to experience how good it feels to have a custom made suit fitted specifically for their body. this sounds good but it also sounds like an infomercial and i am ready for these two to get into the proverbial ring!!!!!!!!!

el blanco loco (i’m sorry to be annoying but not sorry enough to stop doing this, sorry!) says that he sells suits primarily on the south and west sides of chicago and i am not smart enough to write the sociopolitical essay about why this doesn’t sit well with my spirit (somebody call eve ewing) but that made me feel weird? anyway he says that he likes to give back to the community from which he is amassing his rolex- and platinum tooth-purchasing wealth, so once a month he goes “to the hood” and offers a $50 custom suit to the first person who shows up to claim it. he says he ordinarily isn’t a snitch, but he’s in court today so he doesn’t “go back to his old self.” blahahaha that’s my favorite justification yet: “hello your honor, i am suing this man today because my only alternative is to kill him. give me money please.”

greg is so enraptured by el blanco loco that for a second i thought he forgot ledonte was even in the courtroom??? the judge turns to him and says “gimme some background on you, my man” and did greg smoke a bowl before court today or what. he’s too cool and relaxed, i don’t like it. ledonte says, “i’m into NFTs, i’m an influencer for NFTs” and lmao i’m too fucking old to keep watching this?? but so is greg and he’s like “A WHAT” and then ledonte says “non fungible tokens” and greg is like “A WHAT” and someone please come put me out of my misery. ledonte explains it as i try to lobotomize myself with an eyeliner pencil i found in my bag, but when i come to greg is saying, “oh yeahhh, i get it, like a digital trading card!” and umm yeah, sure, ok!

ledonte says he heard about yehuda’s suits through word of mouth and wanted to get in on the $50 suit deal. yehuda says that he’d sold out by the time ledonte connected with him, but because he liked him he offered him a suit for $300, discounted from the regular price of $500. he says that within weeks of selling him the suit ledonte started leaving him tons of voicemails, saying that the suit had caused him to break out in a full body rash. yehuda said, “did you eat something different? maybe you have allergies” and i screamlaughed. c’mon, dude! anyway ledonte kept calling, telling yehuda that he couldn’t leave the house to go to work because the rashes covering his body were so bad, then he said he suspected the suit had “bad energy” because yehuda “cast a spell on it.” GLORIOUS.

el blanco loco (there used to be a mexican spot near me called “el gallo blanco” that was good as hell and i’ve accidentally typed it at least eight times so far, i gotta rein my shit in) says, “now personally, i am a religious individual and i believe in spirituality” and hell yeah brother so am i, especially when it comes to HAUNTED SUITS. i am downright giddy over this. ledonte apparently told yehuda that everything was going good in his life until he started wearing the suit, then he broke out in head to toe hives, he lost his job, and his girlfriend left him. uhhh is el blanco loco still in the haberdashery business???? i got some sleeve lengths and inseams to go collect!

the ruling: ledonte says that he, too, is a spiritual person and he believes that energy can be transferred to inanimate objects, then tells a story about a couch that he believes held the soul of the person who was murdered on it. greg is humoring this diversion and seriously is he stoned because i’ve never seen him so enraptured by something so dumb? i mean he was all in on the NFT conversation, and now he’s like “hmm, yes, spirits” and i cannot handle it, this is so fucking funny.

ledonte says after he got his suit he wore it to an event, after which he was “covered in hives and growing boils.” this is disgusting but i absolutely can’t not share it: a few months ago i had a boil under my left boob and it was the most painful and disgusting thing i have ever experienced (externally) in my damn life. it felt like someone was zapping my in the nipple with a cattle prod and there’s nothing to do about the pain other than wish it away (that’s what the doctor said over zoom as he held his vomit in when i tried to show it to him), until it came to a head and TURNED INTO AN OOZING OPEN WOUND THAT FELT LIKE ACTIVE LAVA ON ME at which point i started wishing to leave earth instead. i was in so much agony i ended up ordering some sketchy shit off the internet while delirious from pain at two in the morning and it worked, it took a couple days but that pulsating death orb finally shrank, but now the skin under my favorite breast is scarred dark purple forever. the moral of this story is why be alive.

ledonte says that due to the bad energy of the suit his wife left him, his children were acting up, his car broke down, and he lost his job. he says he prayed over the suit and god told him to burn it (PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!) and when he did “everything got back right.” i love this so much, i really do. can you imagine????? you walk by your homeboy standing over a pile of burning rags like “hey man, you cold?” and he’s like, “nah bruh, this haunted outfit made my wife leave me.” HELLO??????? this is some chucky level demonic possession1!!!!11!!!1!!!!!1! fuck a refund, get me a pastor!

yehuda plays a series of voicemails in which ledonte is increasingly frantic but not threatening or anything, then says that ledonte harmed his business by going around the neighborhood telling all his potential customers that he’s a bad businessman who sells contaminated dress clothes. greg asks ledonte if he really did that (he did) then asks if his counter(haunted)suit is actually because he thinks yehuda did voodoo on a jacket and pants (it is) and promptly dismisses his case. verdict for el blanco loco aka el brujo rico.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “criminals shouldn’t snitch on each other but squares definitely need to snitch on criminals. that’s what i believe.”

*bangs gavel*