who's on judge mathis today? #20

a books/snack/softcore daily mini letter

the plaintiff: hassan from north hollywood, california. pink slacks, olive green button down, braids, round wire rimmed glasses. plot twist: HE HAS A BRIEFCASE. what does he think this is, perry mason?

the defendant: aigner from gardena, california. black dress, longline wine-colored cardigan, long hair in luxurious barrel curls, the most confident walk i have ever seen on daytime television. she truly is walking into the courtroom like she is stomping down a catwalk and honestly she is gorgeous and i would take a bullet for her.

the complaint: hassan and aigner dated and after she caught him cheating she cut up and burned his property. he did that shit and deserved it, case dismissed!

what does he want: $4000 for unpaid rent and property damage. holy fucking shit WHAT DID SHE BURN?!

how it went down: hassan begins by giving us the backstory that he moved to los angeles a year ago, met the defendant, and she was so breathtakingly beautiful that he had no choice but to “lay the mack down on her.” boy i hate this dude already, but he has a deep and rich voice, the sound of which makes it abundantly clear why people might put up with his bullshit. he says their chemistry was ELECTRIFYING and that SPARKS WERE FLYING FROM EVERY DIRECTION. i understand how, in the plot of a romance novel, this might be an appealing trope. but in real life do we actually want to be electrocuted by desire or do we just want to be, i don’t know, gently patted on the back by the prospect of new love? fuck sparks, give me a relationship that feels like a hot starbucks cup with the sleeve on.

they dated for a year before moving in together, and once they did hassan says “the vibe changed.” in an attempt to make things better on valentine’s day he made reservations and bought an outfit and tried to have a nice romantic evening but she called him and said she had to work late. okay, these things happen, work is an unfortunate part of being a tiny cog in this massive capitalist wheel, but it seemed odd to him that she would miss “an evening of him paying for things.” what a fucking bonehead. isn’t it wild when people think they can own you with, like, a regular ass dinner? it’s one thing to expect someone to bend over backward for the for the mansion you gifted them, but you’re surprised i went to my job that provides rent money and insurance rather than meet you down at the cheesecake factory, sir? i mean, i love a buffalo wing spring roll (that’s a thing right) and gallon-sized glass of moscato as much as the next person, but COME ON.

aigner is shooting lasers at this dude so deadly that i can feel them through the tv. she’s pissed, and greg is loving it. hassan says that in addition to regularly coming home at “late o’clock,” FINE I LAUGHED THIS DUDE IS AMUSING OK, aigner also started coming home with new dresses and other things that made him suspicious. i don’t know man this just sounds like the shit being in a relationship does to you. i just sneak-purchased some fancy cuticle cream because my lady told me she had some but i didn’t want to use whatever old dusty kind was rolling around at the bottom of her junk drawer, i wanted a fresh new one that i clearly don’t need. and i’m not cheating on this asshole but i did stuff the packaging under some potato scraps in the trash because i don’t want to have the “your cuticle oil is not good enough” conversation. seriously, hassan, this is called being in love!

he went through her phone while she was in the shower and saw a bunch of kissy emojis from random guys on snapchat. in her defense aigner says that she never responded to all that random emoji thirst, but when she looked at hassan’s phone not only were women messaging him but he was writing back, saying things like “let’s meet up, my girlfriend works late.” she set a trap for him, telling him she was going to work late with the idea that he’d use that as an excuse to meet up with a woman, and guess what the fuck happened? she caught him, in her car, with another woman! ain’t that how the shit always goes? you’re mad because i bought a new dress yet you’re out fucking some bitch in my car?!

the ruling: aigner didn’t tell hassan she’d seen him in her car, she just went home and started tearing up all his shit. she said “if you’re gonna burn my heart, i’m gonna burn your stuff,” and please god somebody cross stitch that so i can buy one for every room in my house! piled next to hassan are a bunch of the items aigner destroyed, namely a grey hoodie that is burned to a fucking crisp and a pair of shoes that she wrote “cheater” and “scumbag” on. aigner says “i’m trying to do the women in your life a favor” and someone please snapchat her my contact info, i need her to be my friend.

as hassan holds up a black t-shirt that has been both bleached and burned greg turns to aigner and asks “ma’am, you don’t have any defense for that, do you?” and she shrugs like she does not give a fuck and says “nope, i did it.” put this woman in the judge mathis hall of fame! hassan says he and the woman “weren’t cheating, we were going over scripture” and goddamn it lying-ass dudes who are somehow also funny are my kryptonite. greg flips through hassan’s photos of the entirety of the damage and yo homegirl really fucked his shit up, on a waiting to exhale level. i’m proud of her.

judge mathis asks aigner about the rent she owes and, of course, she says she doesn’t owe it because he cheated. while that should be the fucking law, it isn’t, so she has to pay the rent and however much his musty-ass nikes cost. WORTH IT.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: hassan insinuated that aigner was cheating on him, that she’d get home from work “way after the bars closed in la” and wondered “why is that?” greg responds, without missing a beat, “i know why, because you didn’t put the mack down strong enough, MISTER MACK.”

*bangs gavel*