who's on judge mathis today? #200

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: grant from denver, colorado. grant’s a nice looking dude, a white guy with a completely bald head who maybe looks like a less-hot bruce willis if i take my glasses off and turn down the brightness on my computer screen. i’m always impressed when someone opts to just, you know, have all their skin out like that? i mean i shave my head too but i’m a coward who leaves the guard on! i can’t be out here flashing my raw scalp at the world, what am i, superman??? anyway, grant is wearing a royal blue dress shirt with a shiny orange and blue diagonal-striped tie, which makes me wistful for high school. go wildkits!

defendant: krisann from aurora, colorado. okay yes, work my curvy homespun queen! krisann has a perky blonde bob (i know that’s a weird way to describe it, but the ends of her hair are flipped up and it’s literally bouncing???) and is wearing a black pantsuit that is cinched under her boobs, which is how i would wear a suit if i ever found myself in a situation where a suit felt appropriate (i never will be, so i will never be faced with this dilemma), accented by a chic jade bracelet. again, i remain in awe of anyone who can do literally anything, but she looks so good and put together!!!!!!

the complaint: grant says he and krisann made a pact to lose weight together (excuse me?) after they began dating, but he claims she failed to uphold her (large) end of the bargain and now he’s suing her for breaking his garbage disposal. (did she………….try to stuff some fat in it? i hate this already!)

what does he want: $439??? (GET OUT OF HERE WITH THIS, MY GOOD SIR!!!!!!!!!)

how it went down: you know i don’t believe in going to court to sue for what a family of four spends to see a saturday matinee, but alas here we are. grants begins with this: “your honor, usually in a relationship it’s the guy who wants to sit around and play video games and eat snacks, but in this relationship that was her.” first of all, i guess i’m a guy? second, you know, not to turn this into another issue of the misandrist weekly, BUT: dude i believe you have what should be considered the greatest girlfriend in the fucking world and should absolutely shut the fuck up??? what should she be doing with her free time instead, watching you eat loaded potato skins and playing call of duty warzone????????

grant says that when they met he found out she had a gym membership (apologies in advance bc i am going to be VERY ME about this stupid case, but isn’t it counterintuitive to paint her as some kind of fucking slob when she had the gym membership before she even knew him??? the gall) and since they were both overweight they made a pact to work out and lose weight together. ugh what a boring thing to do with someone when celebrity gossip and other types of celebrity gossip exist!

grant says that over the course of the first few weeks krisann grew frustrated with her lack of success at the gym and stopped going, which sounds like a just fine plan to me. he says that she would get mad at him when he casually asked her “so are you going to see your trainer today?” and lollllll at this man trying to pretend that he doesn’t understand why his loaded ass (pun intended) question was met with hostility? i know people who can make “what’s the weather like” sound like an ominous threat, i refuse to believe that this dude innocently inquiring about her trainer wasn’t doing so 1 with a judgmental edge in his voice or 2 as krisann was gently lifting a handful of fritos to her lips.

greg, who we know from experience loves himself a big ol’ woman, says, “do you know that some women get offended when you ask them about their weight?” i would counter that most *people are *taken aback when you *make any specific reference to their bodies in general, but seriously does he??????? grant is like “sure i know” with a tone that says “and i don’t give a shit.” grant says that when they’d go out krisann “would get extra salsa, extra guacamole, and extra tortillas” and let me tell you something: if someone in your life is memorizing your dinner order for any other reason than so they can get you what you like the next time you go to the taco spot, that is a bad person! also salsa, guacamole, and tortillas are fucking vegetables (argue with the surgeon general) aka health food so what exactly is the problem, man???

greg is like “did you tell her she was eating too much, or that she was overweight, or that she should lose weight, because you shouldn’t have” and i don’t have proof but i know there’s a defunct black planet profile called “detroit bbw lover” moldering away somewhere inside his old gateway computer. grant says he did, which we already knew, and adds that “the more important thing was that she didn’t follow through on her promise to go to the gym.” grant says that he lost 55 pounds and then dumped krisann because she “wasn’t the type of person [he] wanted to be with because she didn’t have any character or integrity,” which is an old, idiotic trope and a blazing example of grant’s internalized fatphobia. and that’s fine! date who you want! the world is full of thin women he won’t have to chase onto a treadmill!!!!!

krisann says that grant broke up with her because she “ate too much mexican food” (i’m sorry but i laughed!!!!!!! that’s so dumb also now i want a quesadilla), and in the break up email she reads to the court (i’m dying) he lists how many calories he thinks she consumes (no for real, call an ambulance) and how much exercise she needs to do to burn them off (my heart just stopped, but don’t worry i’m sure it’s cholesterol related). krisann points to her witness, her best friend, and says that in addition to the emotional terrorism he was doing at home, grant also emailed her friend on christmas day to ask her if there was a “nice way” he could tell krisann she “didn’t look good naked.”

okay this is a real question: WHY NOT BREAK UP. seriously, why be with someone who repulses you and enjoys a lifestyle you don’t, when you could just not? literally why be with a person you feel compelled to change when you could just look for someone else who is already the things you want? does my man just……………………enjoy the kind of tense standoff that result from one half of a couple sarcastically asking the other if they plan to [some arduous task that person hates and has no intention of doing] that day??? if you hate fat bitches so much why oh why did you choose a fat ass bitch?????????

krisann says that she’s happy and confident and doesn’t need a man to tell her she’s beautiful (the audience claps in support) and says there are plenty of men who like big girls, “including you, judge mathis.” and greg is like “I SURE DO” and he high fives doyle to put a lil exclamation point on it. i wish we could end the case right here, in this perfect moment, but krisann has to do the thing all fat people feel pressured to do, paint a picture of herself as a good fatty who does go to the gym sometimes and works a fifty hour week and therefore can’t work out like he wanted her to.

omg look how much time we have spent litigating the body of this woman without even getting to what dude is actually suing her for! 7 minutes and 13 seconds on homegirl’s taco bell order and 0 minutes on the fucked up garbage disposal. grant says that krisann texted him and asked him to bring home some drain cleaner one day, he did and then left town, then she texted him the next day that it not only was still broken but also started smoking?????? what did she put down there, their relationship?????????? (wocka wocka)

the ruling: this part is long and boring, but the gist from krisann’s retelling is that grant: poured half the bottle of drain stuff in the garbage disposal, left town for a week and a half, asked krisann to go over and check on the sink and his cat five days later (CALL PETA) and when she did the disposal was still clogged, told her to pour the rest of the bottle down the disposal and where it burst into flames. or something like that.

krisann offered to call a service that would come out and diagnose the problem so that grant knew what he’d be dealing with when he came back, and this is kind of confusing plus i got distracted by our septuagenarian neighbor carrying three full cases of natty light up his stairs, but he told her he’d take care of it? then she agreed to pay half and left a $200 check? except they didn’t know how much it was actually going to cost and grant decided he wanted her to pay the full amount of $639??? there’s a lot of printed out text sheet™ shuffling and cross arguing and i’m not entirely sure who is making the most salient points but greg cuts through the noise and orders krisann to pay for the balance of the half ($119.50, yes i had to use a calculator), which leaves her plenty of money left over for queso fundido and ceviche and chile rellenos and mole and picadillo and huevos con machaca and camarones and pozole and molcajete and pambazo and and and…

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “leave this woman alone, get you a stick if that’s what you want!!!”

*bangs gavel*

two hundred of these things??????????? wowie wow. to celebrate, here’s my absolute favorite most joyful, most watched video on the entire internet.