who's on judge mathis today? #203
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: warren from louisville, kentucky. warren is serving carlton banks slash steve urkel if they grew up, got jobs in accounting, then went through an acrimonious divorce from a woman they were then forced to sue on television. he’s wearing a teal v-neck sweater that i thoroughly appreciate with a bright white dress shirt, shiny teal tie, pale khakis, and little wire spectacles. seriously what is he, a classics professor or something? he looks so pinched and tidy!
defendant: dana from middletown, kentucky. dana’s the kind of woman i feel like you’d classify as “striking?” like, she’s got a big head and big, wavy blonde hair and a strong jaw, plus she’s wearing an incredible cherry red blazer over a black t-shirt, just big and bold and confident-looking. how on earth did these two meet?????
the complaint: warren says he put a cable bill in his name for dana but she is behind on payments, so he’s suing her.
what does he want: $582
how it went down: warren says, “at 18 or 20, i was fortunate enough to marry my high school sweetheart.” well dude, i can tell you one of the things that factored into your divorce if you honestly can’t remember how old you were or the year you got married. also, that is fucking insane. warren says the had two kids together and everything was perfect, then says “after ten years of a bumpy marriage we decided to get a divorce.” HUH? was it perfect or was it bumpy?? were they married for ten total years or were the last ten years of the marriage the bumpy ones??? warren says they got divorced because, although he had no actual proof, he heard from a friend that his wife may have been cheating on him. EXCUSE ME? divorced her based on a rumor from his homeboy??? wow, dang.
the judge is gobsmacked by this admission. “she was out late a couple nights, that was enough for me” says warren, and holy shit man i’d hate to see dude’s reaction to a sink full of dishes or a forgotten pile of laundry. warren says “we stayed friends after the divorce, and i felt good about my decision” and okay you gotta respect a guy who stands behind his decisions, i guess! warren tries to move past this little speed bump and greg’s not fucking having it. “ma’am? is this real???” dana makes a face at the camera that lets all of america know just how much a trial it was being married to this weird nerd and says “YEP” with palpable disdain. she says that she never cheated, never stayed out all night, and that warren was manipulative and controlling. I’LL SAY.
dana says that warren physically abused her and i know this isn’t right but how dare this kermit the frog looking ass dude put his hands on her?????? greg cannot contain his disbelief and almost shatters his bottom jaw as it hits the bench. doyle mumbles “my money’s on her” and judge mathis stammers “you’re a woman-beater?!!?!??!!” and i don’t know what the fuck i expected warren to say but i most certainly wasn’t prepared for “there are a lot of ways to abuse a woman that aren’t necessarily physical” and goes on to illustrate this point by saying that one could, you know, slam a door in a woman’s face or bounce a basketball near her head so it grazes her. uhhh, what?????? i’m sorry, but we’re gonna have to move this case next door to murder court where it rightfully belongs. somebody go wake up the firing squad.
this is so fucked up and ridiculous and gregory is clearly over it. “let’s get to this cable bill” he says, rubbing his hands together like a cartoon villain. i hope he roasts homeboy like a turkey. warren says that dana couldn’t get cable in her name and “asked to use [his] credibility” which is a hilarious way of saying “my kids wanted to watch spongebob so i got them cable.” the judge is like “prove to me she used it” and crosses his arms over his chest. warren’s like “huh?” and greg says “how do i know a basketball didn’t bounce off a door she slammed and hit the cable switch?” and lmaooo warren should just leave now, it’s clear my man is absolutely not going to take his foot off his very slim neck.
warren says that initially he was going to file fraud charges and yo is this the literal worst dude in the world??? why would you do that to your kids’ mom when you agreed to put the cable in your name, also this is five hundred dollars, sir. dana gotta catch a criminal fraud charge over six overdue months of starz????? stop this! greg eats his ass up over this, too, and i’m glad because he deserves it. warren says, “okay, i’ll let her talk now” and greg is like lol fuck that i’m still cooking your ass, my man.
dana is a goddamn saint. she says that in the thirteen years she and warren have been divorced all she’s asked of him is that he “provide for his boys; footwear, clothes, and the occasional gift is all i asked.” greg’s eyebrows shoot off his face and into outer space when she says, “he hasn’t paid a dollar of child support in the thirteen years we’ve been divorced” and i’m sorry but why isn’t a trapdoor straight to hell opening beneath this dude’s feet? dana explains that she just filed for child support because until now she felt bad for warren because he’s “single and struggling” and she’s thriving and remarried the burly white man sitting soon after they split, but greg is fucking apoplectic nonetheless. “YOU LET THIS MAN OFF THE HOOK FOR THIRTEEN YEARS AND HE HAS THE NERVE TO DRAG YOU INTO COURT FOR A COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS???????”
warren (who must be a masochist because what the fuck) butts in to say “your honor, i paid for one of my sons to go to college” and dana’s like “umm that’s not true? he got grants” while greg is like “who cares, what about ages 1 through 18?” and i’m like “when do they unleash the army of poisonous spiders?”
the ruling: for some reason i don’t completely understand, warren keeps trying to convince the judge that he’s helped his kids and it’s getting embarrassing. he says “i bought them cell phones and i’ve taken them out for dinners and lunches” and greg starts shouting “THEY NEED HOUSING AND FOOD AND CLOTHES” and braces and music lessons and a car to drive them to all their shit and school supplies and allowance money and you can’t defend yourself against thirteen years of documented inactivity my man! not when you haven’t bought so much as a single grocery for two young men who could eat a truck tire in one sitting????? (i had to procure snacks for a teenage male sleepover the other night and i damn near had to take out a loan!!!) i’m fucking b a f f l e d that dude brought this case to court, i mean what level of delusion made him think that it was a good idea to bring his (too) kind and (too) reasonable ex wife on television to accuse her of being a liar and a thief when the facts on his side look like fucking dog shit??????
the judge is like “child support is different from taking your kid to mcdonald’s” and dana says “yeah and when he takes them he keeps the receipt for every soft drink.” i’m losing it, man. i think this case might actually kill me. if you handed me a receipt for a coke you bought my kid i would simply have to go to jail for assault. warren hands the judge a bunch of receipts from the cable company and greg says, “i’m not the judge you gotta watch out for, doctor. you better get ready for the one that’s gonna calculate them thirteen years.” dana says that the amount warren is asking for includes equipment that the cable company came to her house to pick up after he called to disconnect her service in retaliation for her filing child support (lmao what a scumbag) and greg does a little math and decides that dana owes warren $182 and some change, verdict for the plaintiff but like…not really? too bad we don’t get to see that arrears judgment, which i imagine will be substantially more than whatever he owed for the cinemax combo bundle.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “now, you know i specialize in making a fool out of people. so if that’s what you’re asking for i’m gonna oblige you. let’s get this party started.”
*bangs gavel*