who's on judge mathis today? #204
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plantiff: patricia from athol, massachusetts. i’m sorry, are you really trying to tell me there’s a place in this country that sounds like “asshole, massachusetts????” WHY AM I NOT FROM THERE. patricia looks like the kind of witch you’d find in a children’s book, you know, the scary lady who lives in the rickety old house down the block with the spooky bare trees out front? but then when you knock on her door you realize she’s not actually a witch, she’s just a lonely old woman eating soup with a cat on her lap??? yeah, that’s who patricia looks like. hold up, how close is athol to salem?????????????
defendant: santa from orange, massachusetts. don’t get it twisted, santa is a woman. a woman dressed head to toe in black with a lilac cardigan over it, which is exactly how you have to dress if your first name is “santa.” can you imagine the jokes dumbasses would make if she were to, say, wear a red and white turtleneck to work? it’s gotta be a nightmare! santa looks positively thrilled to be in court today, she is downright beaming!!!!!! i can already tell this is gonna be great.
the complaint: patricia claims while she was watching her friend’s dog, the sneaky pooch took her dentures out of her purse and destroyed them. ohmygod!!!!!
what does she want: $1474 (universal healthcare, please, where are u)
how it went down: patricia says she’s known santa for four years and they’re good friends but they have a “weird” relationship. uh oh. all my friends are total fucking idiots (it’s a prerequisite) but the word weird makes me nervous. patricia says they argue about petty shit all the time (money, where to go to dinner, stuff like that) and that a few weeks ago when they went to a singles dance out of town and stayed the night santa wouldn’t bring patricia home the next day even though she was sick from being drunk and let me take back whatever snarky shit i said because i would absolutely die to party with these women. patricia is old as hell and looks like she has a cauldron in her backyard, plus she gets super fucked up??? somebody meet me at logan with a black cat and a large iced dunkies.
patricia says no matter what petty little squabbles they get into, she and santa are always gonna be friends. alright girl power, i love to see it. except she has stopped speaking to her of late because another night they were out getting loaded and patricia was so wasted she started puking again (party!) and santa was the designated driver and she and their other friend wanted to stop for something to eat but patricia couldn’t because she was sick to her stomach but santa stopped anyway and left her in the car for two hours and patricia said santa called her “rude and ignorant” but she literally was gonna cry and throw up on herself if she tried to eat!
okay the funniest thing about this story is that it’s identical to basically a million nights i had in 2003, shitfaced from the club trying not to puke in a cab at two in the morning with my friends screaming about hash browns when all i want is a horizontal surface and an ice pack on my face, except i was 23 and these broads are 123. this is the kind of chaos i want for my senior years!!!!!!
santa is like “yeah patty is right but also you need to know that she’s the kind of person who has to have everything her way” and, again, what do i gotta do to kick it with these ladies for a weekend???? santa says patty is the type of person who won’t go for a ride in her car when she invites her because she has a no smoking policy and “patty can’t go fifteen minutes without a square,” but when patty needs a ride all of a sudden the cigarette thing is okay. lmao god i love a toxic friendship like this, you know? where you truly would kill that bitch if you could, but also you love her.
patty says that last summer santa asked her to dog and cat sit for her and that she doesn’t like to do it but she agreed because she’d done it before. boy if that isn’t one of the guiding principles of my stupid life i don’t know what is! patty says that one day while she was at santa’s she put her dentures in the front pocket of her purse (she holds the purse, which she had been protectively clutching when she entered the courtroom, up so the judge can see exactly where her dentures go) and when she came back inside the dog had grabbed her dentures and was snuggled on his blanket chewing them the fuck up. i am so sorry but i am howling at this??? like, what old crumb of ham salad caught between her plastic molars did the dog smell and find so irresistible that he had to tear apart her purse to get it????? WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE THAT FUCKING PURSE??????????
i love these women so much i might actually start crying. patty says that when she wrestled the dentures away from the dog they were all chewed up (omg the irony) and she has to “put a lot of extra stuff up there in them” to get them to stay in her mouth so she can eat. okay i’m not gonna go off on too much of a tangent about it but this kind of thing is why medical shit should be free. my girl shouldn’t be relegated to a life of soup because cujo wanted a speck of pastrami that got caught in her denture trough! patty says that santa told her not to let the dog out when her dentures were out but patty said she smokes too much to keep locking the dog up, plus she trusted him because once he snatched her dentures when they were on the coffee table but all he did that time was lick them and put them back. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
greg, who is completely beside himself, says “if you knew the dog liked dentures why would you leave him alone with them?” and patty is like “they were in my purse!” and the judge responds “if a person likes something and they steal, they’re gonna look for it until they find it! you let a thief in your house? they’re gonna look until they find what they’re looking for!” and now i’m picturing a little shih tzu or whatever creeping around the living room with a flashlight like “omg where did she put them TEETH???”
patty says that she’s not even really mad about the money, she’s mostly hurt that santa was so dismissive after she told her what happened. “she acted like she didn’t understand how important they are to me!” patty says, and i don’t want to laugh but i can’t help it. you gotta be a real cold piece of shit if you don’t understand the importance of someone’s teeth! santa starts her defense by giving judge an adorable picture of the assailant, a “beautiful puggle who loves to chew.” in four of the pictures the dog is chewing some shit up, i’m fucking sobbing!!!!!!
santa reiterates what patty already copped to, that she told her 1 no smoking in the house and 2 don’t leave shit where the dog can find it and chew it. the judge says to patty “so she warned you!” and patty’s like “yeah she did, but i didn’t want to dogsit in the first place, doesn’t that count for something?” and how amazing would it be if the world worked like that? patty is loudly and hilariously arguing with the judge, who is trying his best not to laugh, making a point that wouldn’t hold up in a child’s courtroom let alone in here. he says “if you would’ve taken the dog out to smoke a cigarette you would probably still have your dentures!” and now that shih tzu from my previous daydream is a puggle smoking a parliament with a little brown purse clasped tightly against her little ribs, yelling “i’m too drunk to eat a cheeseburger!” between puffs.
the ruling: santa says that despite the denture thing patty came to her house to watch her dog again after that!!!! and while she was there she borrowed santa’s reading glasses, left them out in harm’s way, and the goddamn dog chewed those up too. (santa holds up a pair of $3 reading glasses with one arm bent all back to hell and when i tell you i would sacrifice my life for these women? that is not an exaggeration!) santa’s like, “look, it’s not my fault she’s reckless. now all patty wants from santa is her two front teeth.” GIVE THESE TWO A REALITY SHOW RIGHT NOW.
patty gives the judge a bunch of blown up jitterbug phone pictures™ of the mangled dentures, and greg is like “man, i need a raise just for dealing with this. i’m not trying to look at these!” greg says that since patty was negligent, and especially since that negligence came after santa had previously warned her not to leave the dog alone with any valuables (or prosthetics?), he can’t rule in her favor and dismisses her case. at the end santa is the only one in the hallway with doyle for the post-verdict interview. i assume patty was outside the nbc building on michigan avenue somewhere with her teeth out puffing on a parliament like her life depended on it.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “why do you guys like to hang out if you can’t get along? you’re like an old husband and wife!”