who's on judge mathis today? #206
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiffs: briana and allen from st louis, missouri. briana and allen look like children at their first day of sunday school, smiling and quiet with their outfits and hair as neat as a pin as they stand at the podium.
defendant: okay so maybe the vibe is just somber and weird because they’re already at the podium? because allena, sha’nice, and marissa (all from st louis, missouri) are standing still and looking prim and wholesome just like their counterparts on the other side of the aisle. if i didn’t know any better i would guess that i’d just stumbled upon an usher board meeting!!!!!!!!
the complaint: briana and allen claim the three defendants came to their home, roughed them up, and damaged a vehicle after they failed to respond quickly to a social media post, so they’re suing. okay so much for their being little angels apparently!!!
what do they want: $5000 uh oh, a countersuit: the defendants would like $5000 for “defamation and distress,” which i already know they will definitely not get.
how it went down: allen starts by introducing himself and his girlfriend briana, and also his sisters (!!) allena and sha’nice, plus their friend marissa. allen says “all this mess started from a post on facebook,” providing me with yet another opportunity to feel smug about deleting my account years ago even though i know longer have any idea what’s going on in the world or when any of my friends were born. allen says their son was sick, and briana posted on facebook that she hoped he’d get better soon. allena commented on the post, asking “how is my nephew doing?” but briana couldn’t answer because the doctor came back into the room and then her phone died. allena called allen like “does your baby mama have a problem with me” and then started talking shit about them on facebook. damn i love this shit so much.
briana says that at 12:15a allena texted her saying she was gonna pull up to her house and beat her up and allen has the printed out text sheets™ to prove it!!!!!!!! greg squints at the papers trying to make sense of it before throwing his hands up and saying “i can see the words but i don’t understand all this bad grammar” which is such an old black dad thing to say, although he does manage to make out “i’ll put on hands on you,” which even a square like me knows that means she’s threatening to fuck her all the way up.
briana says that at 1a all three of the defendants (plus a fourth!) showed up at her house and started banging on her door. hmm, what’s this really about? can’t be too worried about your baby nephew’s health if you’re waking him up in the middle of the night kicking the goddamn door in. briana says allena grabbed her by the hair when she went to the door and allen tried to jump in and help her but then the other girls jumped in and they were outmatched. allen backs that story up, saying allena was pulling out briana’s hair while the other three girls were beating him up, and oh my god they brought a video.
the video is from a surveillance camera mounted on an apartment building adjacent to theirs? it’s not in 4k or whatever, especially since it’s the middle of the night, but you can clearly see four people scurrying in a line to the building, then it cuts to one person dragging briana and allen out as the others stand over their bodies punching and kicking them. allena says “he’s lying” and starts laughing and babe we are watching you with our human eyes, maybe he got the words wrong but we can literally see you!!!!!!!!!! greg is apoplectic at this and he throws allena out, charging her (???) with contempt of court.
allen says that he and briana went to her mother’s house because their kids were scared, and the next morning (later that morning? i hate describing shit that happens in the am part of the night) he got a message from a neighbor that the defendants were messing up his car. as greg reads the printed out text sheet™ allen narrates the sequel to the first video as we watch it onscreen, describing the actions of each of the three defendants as they fuck up his whole shit. “there’s allena smashing my windshield as sha’nice kicks off the side mirror and marissa puts something in the gas tank.” okay i think there’s a valuable lesson to be learned here: if you are not in your home, you are very likely on somebody’s camera. not just at the bank or the store, it’s probably safe to assume that anywhere you go that you don’t personally own??? you’re being monitored!
i went to drop some shit off at my homeboy’s office the other day and no one was around but later he hit me up like “lol i saw u dragging all that shit in haha” and let me tell you, i never would’ve done it if i’d have known he’d be logging into whatever stalking app he recorded me on to laugh at me????? also, maybe i would have worn a bra! but that’s on me, because i should know that cameras are everywhere and either make peace with people laughing as i struggle with a cardboard box the size of a small car OR never leave my house ever again!!
the ruling: how these girls didn’t realize that at least one of the two (!!) locations they chose to commit crimes in would be monitored by that one company that advertises on every single podcast i subscribe to (sheesh) is beyond me. unless they knew and didn’t give a fuck, but from the looks on their stunned faces that is not the case. marissa tries valiantly to defend their actions but come on, greg just watched two different videos of y’all fucking up these people and then their car, it’s time to throw in the towel. verdict for the plaintiffs, who probably had a suuuuuuuper awkward thanksgiving this year.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “what’s wrong with you? you’re laughing at this? get out, now! OUT!!!!!!!!!!!”