who's on judge mathis today? #207
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: deana from chicago, illinois. deana has the most beautiful skin i have ever seen. it’s luminous, like melted chocolate but somehow better. having nice skin is such an incredible achievement for a normal person and it requires so much work i will never ever do but when i see someone who clearly drinks water and does all her serums i gotta take my hat off. deana has a massive crown of braids and an equally massive accordion of truth™.
defendant: miracle from chicago, illinois. uh ohhh, miracle looks very serious walking into the courtroom, which is always a little bit alarming to me. i don’t know that if i got sued on daytime television court i’d be turning cartwheels (physically impossible) on my way to the podium, but………….you’re about to meet judge mathis!!!! i’d be blushing like a teenager!!!!!!!!!!! miracle has shiny blunt bangs, my favorite kind, and is wearing belted slacks with a teal t-shirt with big pearl earrings. it’s a very shiv roy kind of look, and i’m into it.
the complaint: deana says miracle is her cousin and claims that after they moved in together, miracle walked around the house in skimpy clothing in front of the her boyfriend and decided to become a stripper and now she’s suing her for rent and a stolen TV.
what does she want: $3798 alright countersuit time: miracle would like $4000 for harassment just because……………..deana is suing her??? perfect, i love this “sue me? no sweetie i’m suing you” energy.
how it went down: deana begins by saying in 2014 she was on the program suing her best friend for stealing a car, and now she’s on the program suing her cousin for stealing her boyfriend. greg says “which one do you prefer?” and there is a looooong pause before deana says “my boyfriend” that lets me know she should be saying “my car.” deana says she and her boyfriend let miracle move in with them, and soon after miracle started parading around the house in “the littlest booty shorts ever.” i can’t relate, because i like to dress like the fucking statue of liberty at home except with even more clothes, but that sounds normal to me? deana continues, saying that in addition to the booty shorts miracle would walk around in “little bras and swimming suits” and yeah okay maybe her assumptions about her motives are valid.
deana says that she confronted her boyfriend with her suspicions that he and miracle were getting busy and with a straight face he emphatically told her no, but “you know how men lie.” BOY, DO I. but i lie, too, every single day (“hey sam, how are you?” “oh thanks for asking, i’m great” I AM LITERALLY NEVER GREAT) and i understand if he did. deana then asked her cousin and she denied it as well. it’s worth noting that miracle is doing the most dramatic eye-rolling i have ever seen, her irises are going back and forth like goddamn windshield wipers, truly a perfect arc from the left corner of her eyes to the right. i think i strained an eye muscle trying to imitate her technique!!!!!!
according to deana, miracle was in college but started getting into weed and partying (into it) and sleeping with bouncers to get into clubs (really into this) before deciding she wanted to start stripping (perfect tbh). i’m sorry but if you are young and hot and this is what you want to do rather than accumulate student debt? fine!!! deana tried to talk her out of it and miracle’s response was “yolo.” THE SCREAM I JUST LET OUT. is miracle………..my new life coach? i’m about to start doing that, just earnestly replying “yolo” when someone expresses serious concern for my reckless life choices. man, i can’t wait until the next time i go to the doctor!!
miracle starts her side of the story by saying “the reason i think we’re here, your honor, is because deana is jealous of me.” okay so i believe that “jealousy” is fake and mostly leveraged as a way to dismiss or distort an actual problem between people, there’s no way i’m gonna buy that deana is somehow JEALOUS of the woman sleeping on her couch. i can be swayed if she’s gonna provide specific examples (“her cacio e pepe always turns out grainy and mine is forever smooth”) and i don’t wanna be a fucking dickhead, but come on: aren’t you using her toilet paper right now????????
well, here are miracle’s supporting arguments: she’s young, she has a nice body, she’s twenty (lmao), and she’s free. she says deana “threw her life away” by having five kids at a young age. that is not nice, but maybe she’s onto something. miracle says her life is fun and that’s why deana has a problem with it. as a notorious hater of “fun,” i must rest my case.
okay so deana took miracle in and they agreed miracle would pay her $500 a month, contingent on deana giving miracle her own room. she did, and included a bed, television, and dresser, plus lights, internet, and gas. damn, is that deal still available??? WHAT A FUCKING BARGAIN. then we take a little detour into greg’s personal life in which he tells us that, drumroll please, he is friends with STEVIE J AND JOSELINE!!!!!!! my queen, joseline hernandez??? the puerto rican princess hangs out with judge mathis?????? greg is on the winning team??????? my life is complete, i don’t need to know anything else, ever again, about anything.
deana said that initially miracle was paying her rent in full and on time, but as their relationship devolved so did the payments. they agreed that miracle would leave at the end of july and deana says that when she did miracle took her 65" television with her. miracle says that’s not true, that she can’t even carry a TV that size on her own and she doesn’t have any friends who could help either. greg is like “you couldn’t ask one of those many men at the club to help you steal?” to which i say maybe they had a no fraternizing clause, gregory!!! miracle says that she stopped paying rent because deana’s brother and his girlfriend moved in, in addition to everyone else who already lived there, but she was the only one contributing.
travis, deana’s boyfriend who i didn’t even know was in the courtroom today, stands up and is like, “yeah that’s not true? i literally pay every bill in the house!” because i have been young and dumb before, i understand the logic of “why are you charging me when everything is paid for anyway,” but as an old and dumb person currently feeding and sheltering a couple freeloading teens, i’m on the side of “oh you have a job and some money? give me eight dollars for this damn disney plus.” babes, i’m not the one watching moana and hamilton, come up off that allowance RIGHT NOW.
the ruling: greg is clearly impressed by young travis being the man of the house and taking care of his family, and he turns to miracle and says, “the real problem is that you are jealous of them.” i mean, five human children aside, travis and deana have gorgeous skin and a house that can comfortably contain a giant smart TV and 93 people, that’s a big fucking deal! greg asks miracle about her countersuit and she says it’s for text message harassment and gives a handful of printed out text sheets™ to the judge. greg doesn’t even look at it, just barrels ahead asking miracle for proof of the other residents (she has none) and pointing out that she perjured herself earlier when she slipped and said she hadn’t taken the television because “couldn’t find anyone to help her carry it out.”
the judge does a dramatic reading of the text exchanges (“B—— YOU BETTER HAVE MY RENT MONEY”) and while everyone is laughing he looks at miracle and says “you got it?” and alright i guess this case is just about over! she says no and greg says he would only grant miracle a judgment if she could prove a pattern of harassment or if deana had said something in those messages to make miracle fear for her safety. so judgment for deana so she can buy a new TV, and maybe in the meantime judge mathis can help hook young miracle up with a new gig.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “what? she came to you? to live with you??? the woman who’s ‘throwing her life away’???????”
*bangs gavel*