who's on judge mathis today? #208
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: jessica from laporte, indiana. jessica is wearing the most flattering striped v-neck i have ever seen, an item of clothing that is viscerally appealing to me, and yet, every time i’ve tried to wear one it has cruelly mocked me. so good for her! she is very pale with middle-parted long brown hair and big, sparkling babydoll eyes, and wait a minute……….how on earth did she hear about this show????
defendant: marcus from gary, indiana. OH OKAY THIS IS HOW. my man storms into the courtroom in a mauve shirt and shiny red tie, his bald fade and skinny goatee crispy as hell. i find a lot of (usually disgusting) things sexy, but one of the absolute sexiest is a man fresh out the barber chair. there’s nothing hotter than a dude whose entire head is covered in little ass needles. i love going in for a cheek smooch only to have the whole side of my face scraped down to the gristle! this is a too long way of saying that goddamn marcus is fine, sheesh!
the complaint: jessica says the defendant is her brother-in-law and he’s currently divorcing her sister. she says she let him live with her (WHAT) and now she’s suing him for unpaid rent.
what does she want: $3500!! marcus is countersuing for $3500 (hahahaha) for items of his he claims jessica disposed of.
how it went down: jessica says that she’s known marcus since she was fifteen because that’s how long he’s been with her sister, and the two of them are going through a divorce but are keeping things civil for their child. okay not to be a bitch, BUT: i love that homegirl is like “yeah the two of them are playing nice so they don’t damage the kid but fuck that run me my money” like MY AUNTIE SUED MY DAD isn’t traumatic as hell, too???? i love it, everybody should sue everybody, but come on, sister!!!!!!!!!!
jessica says that she let marcus stay with her while he and her sister worked out the terms of their divorce and they agreed on $325 a month, and the decision was the worst one she’d ever made in her life. she says he’s put holes in her walls (i just shouted “your sugar walls?” loud as hell at the screen, beat you to it, perverts!) because he invited people over and they started fighting, and i expect her to list more stuff but marcus interjects that it wasn’t him, it was her boyfriend who put the hole in the wall. then we zoom out and see the boyfriend, a nearly-identical short round black bald freshly-faded gentleman, who jumps up to say it wasn’t him. first of all, two white sisters dating/marrying two carbon copy black dudes in indiana??? mike pence is somewhere right now crying and shaking and throwing up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dennis says that marcus and his “belligerent friends” were at the house getting drunk and roughhousing while he and jessica were at work where his neighbor called and told him to rush home, and when he did he found marcus and his homies there tearing the place up. marcus says he’s known jessica since she was a kid, so when he moved out of his marital home it wasn’t a big deal for him to move in with her. he says they fought a lot, and when greg casually asks “about what?” we finally get to the root of what we’re talking about here: marcus thought he could move into jessica’s house like it was a hotel. you know, the kind of place where your business is your own and you can come and go as you please with whomever you please.
but jessica doesn’t run that kind of establishment, and whenever marcus brought a woman to her house she called her sister/his wife and told her all about it, including reports that he was treating some other woman’s children “better than [his] own.” yeah this sucks but as a veteran of the “hey can i just chill here until i get on my feet” wars marcus should’ve fucking known better. once when i was staying with mel i brought home a bunch of bargain bin DVDs from best buy (yes i am taking a calcium supplement and wearing poise pads now, fuck you) because i was bored and he was too cheap to get cable and he confronted me like IS THAT A SAVVY FINANCIAL DECISION, POOR PERSON WHO NEEDS MY SPARE BEDROOM? and i looked down at those beat up copies of rushmore and a perfect murder like “yes…?” that dude had a summer home in italy and was sweating me about a $9 used copy of any given sunday?????????? he can choke! but also, because i needed his charity, i had to listen to it (and remember next time to hide shit at the bottom of my bag).
the point is that when (a certain kind of) people help you they love to be in charge of how you use that help. some people tell panhandlers to “buy a sandwich” with the handful of change they’re giving them (gross) and others report the sexual activity of their soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law to his future ex-wife, a hard truth marcus obviously had to learn the hard way.
jessica says the final straw was when she came home early from work one day to discover marcus fucking someone in her bed. omg homeboy was really excited to be getting divorced, huh???? jessica says she put him out, but then greg interrupts to tell her that was an illegal eviction. (the lady in her bed: “she illegally evicted him from my pussy, too!!!!!!!”) jessica counters that he wasn’t on the lease, and greg says that when she agreed to accept rent she became a de facto landlord, thus requiring a 30-day notice on their month to month agreement, and the gregory ellis mathis law school is officially back in session!!!
jessica says marcus paid her $75 when he moved in, and when he moved out eleven months later that was still all that she’d been paid. i’m sorry, WHAT. and her man is sitting right there???? it should’ve been the two of them fighting, what the fuck?????? apparently marcus had trouble keeping a job (is the escort service hiring? because………….) and promised that he would pay her in full when he got his tax return, at which greg scoffs incredulously. marcus confirms that he only paid $75 to turn this woman’s home into a brothel slash saloon for nearly a year, so after these messages we will be moving this over to murder court where it rightfully belongs.
the ruling: greg asks marcus why he shouldn’t owe jessica and he starts talking about a bedroom set she messed up, but greg cuts him off shouting “WHY SHOULDN’T YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR RENT???” marcus does not have a defense for this. as for his counter claim, he says after he moved out he’d asked jessica to “keep some things in the garage for [him]” and she agreed, but when he went to check on them two months later (???) she’d thrown them out. jessica says she texted and texted marcus asking him to come get his shit (she says she never agreed to hold onto them) and after a week she put everything out on the curb. according to the judge this was another illegal action following marcus’s illegal eviction (i’m stunned, truly) so judgment for the defendant (WHAT) but also judgment for the plaintiff (oh okay) whose only recourse now is probably going home to beat her sister’s ass. (when i tell you i would F U C K U P one of my sisters for getting me into the mix like this??????? i’m not playing. she’d be on here suing me for a replacement jaw.)
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “income tax, student loans, inheritance????? if they tell you that you’re never ever seeing your money!”