who's on judge mathis today? #209
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: sheena from brooklyn, new york. sheena is wearing a brilliant white turtleneck, white cardigan, and tight white slacks, an outfit that strikes fear into my very soul. if i even attempted wearing something like that, any food or dirt in my immediate proximity would just, i don’t know, appear on my clothes? like literally the food on your plate would get up, walk across the room, and smear itself all over my body. i’m wearing a shirt right now that has a grease spot on it, but the shirt is gray so it looks like “character” rather than “piggishness.” but sheena’s outfit is literally sparkling, and i am impressed!
defendant: boyd from brooklyn, new york. i was in new york a few weeks ago and i know it’s basically illegal to admit this (and while i do understand why other people don’t) i absolutely hate new york, it’s just not for me, i am deeply midwestern and that is my only flaw. although we did stay in gorgeous soho and while i enjoyed pretending i was a lil cutie pie in a romcom skipping down those cobblestone streets trying to trip over the love of her young life, the truth is i’m her embarrassing small town mother with a bad back who makes casseroles that have potato chips in them. boyd could star as my potential future son-in-law, though, as he is handsome and dapper and nine feet tall, dressed for court in red slacks (!!!!) and a black western-style shirt with a little fro and manicured goatee. not me casting the sequel to love jones over here!!!!!!!!
the complaint: sheena claims her former friend (OH NO) damaged her laptop during a graduation party, so she’s suing him.
what does she want: $1000 (laptops cost too fucking much!!!!!!!!!)
how it went down: sheena starts off with my preferred opener: “judge i love you and i watch you every day.” i’m sorry this is probably crass, but? flattery works!!! you could throw a bike at my head but if you said “you know, meaty was gross as hell and kind of stupid but i loved it anyway” i’d probably forgive you for breaking my nose with a tire. okay so sheena loves judge mathis which means this jury of one is SWAYED. she says she met boyd ten years ago, they were neighbors, and he became like a brother to her. there’s a sweet 1950s mayberry part of me that’s like “awww, they could bring each other pies” but then there’s another (bigger, louder) part of me that’s like “hide the car in the garage so that lady across the street won’t see i’m home and come over and ask me something dumb!” being a good neighbor is a trap because sure it could be handy to have someone sign for a package every once in a while but then what if they want to, you know, hang out all the time???????
sheena says that she and boyd started what they called “the breakfast club,” which basically means they would hang out early in the mornings drinking mimosas and smoking weed before she had to go to class. wake and bake is not my style but i respect it, how you can do anything other than mindlessly stare at pretty pictures of a digital screen while high is beyond me. greg’s jaw hits the bench and he’s like “before class?????” and sheena says yeah but it didn’t matter because she was a straight A student and the judge shrugs and says, “alright then. go ahead and smoke all the weed you want.” sheena says boyd considers himself a player and “would hit anything that’s walking” and that he’s cool and he likes to party, but he’s also cheap. (literal worst quality in a person, especially a person who might break some of your fancy shit.)
boyd says that the breakfast club story is real, that he and sheena love to party and hang out, and he also knows and loves her family. he says he’s kicked it with her sisters and occasionally runs errands for her mom, and i just remembered that “anything walking” line from earlier and my stomach is suddenly upset. yo what if dude boned sheena’s mom!??!?!!??!?!!!?! anyway boyd says the thing sheena’s accusing him of, damaging her laptop at her graduation party, isn’t true and that the laptop got ruined because “some of her stripper friends twerked too close to it.” well if that’s not a perfect sentence i don’t know what the fuck is!
sheena interjects and says that boyd and the friend he brought to the party were cosplaying as nas and dmx in belly, sitting at the table with their shades on acting cool while six or seven of her friends danced. we take a small detour as judge mathis explains to the crowd what “conscious rap” is (omggg i’m dying) then sheena continues, saying that she had thrown herself a graduation party and invited all her friends including boyd, who insisted he DJ the event. (i assume he was using her laptop to do so, although that isn’t clear yet.) sheena says the day after the party she went to use her computer and it wouldn’t turn on, plus the keys made a horrible crackling sound every time she touched them.
sheena says she texted boyd immediately like YO WHAT DID YOU DO and he said that it was her stripper friend’s fault, that she had “miley cyrus’d too close” to him and made him spill his drink, then he assured her that he would pay for the damage. greg asks if boyd admitted that he was the one who spilled and sheena reiterates that yes, boyd said if her friend hadn’t literally been bouncing her ass off the walls he wouldn’t have gotten distracted and made a mess. boyd says, “your honor, she was doing cartwheels and spinning on her head every which way!” and greg starts laughing and says, “sir, that’s worth a thousand dollars.” AGREED.
the ruling: sheena says that boyd assured her that he was going to replace her computer, even if he had to “sell his booty to do it.” see, this is what i mean about not wanting to be all in my neighbor’s business. i don’t want to know how you use your human ATM!!!!!!!!!!!! boyd says that’s not the case, that it was sheena’s friend who spilled the drink on the laptop, he just hadn’t wanted to tell sheena that night because he didn’t want to ruin her graduation. i’m sorry but i don’t care if it’s my fucking wedding, if you spill champagne all over my raggedy macbook please let me know asap so we can all drop to our knees get to scooping up this rice everybody tossed on the ground and dry my shit out!!!!
boyd claims he never said the dancing woman (who is she?????? elaine benes??) bumped into him, he says he told sheena she bumped into the table that had the drink on it causing the drink to tumble over onto the laptop from which he was playing music and he never agreed to reimburse her. sheena’s like “he’s lying” and starts rifling through a stack of printed out text sheets™ as doyle the bailiff looks on. “here you go, doyle. here’s the one where he promised he would sell his BUTT.” greg starts cracking up; he literally cannot believe his good fortune.
“it’s highlighted on the second page” sheena says as greg looks over the transcript and if he doesn’t read those texts aloud i am gonna dump this full can of fresca i just got from the fridge on my damn keyboard. ohhhh thank goodness: “you’re gonna have the money, even if i have to sell my butthole to get it,” greg reads with the gravity of a classically trained shakespearian actor. listen whatever you gotta do to repay a debt, homie. greg is like “man, that’s horrible……………..unless you mean it!” the judge says he has never in all his days seen someone so committed to paying a friend back, truly awe-inspiring, and he’s gonna let him honor that promise. judgment for the plaintiff who, next time she has a party, should just hire channing tatum and his lil friends.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: sheena “he’s a ciroc boy, a grey goose boy, mister turn down for what.” greg “ahhh, listen to all those hiphop terms!”