the plaintiff: raya from chicago, illinois. teal shirt, very severe high bun and thick black glasses, looks v serious. clutching an accordion of truth™ like her life depends on it.
the defendant: deangelo from chicago, illinois. tall, navy shirt, a black necktie that, i’m not kidding, stops dead in the center of his chest. it’s truly distracting. here’s the thing though: i am elderly and uncool, so i have no idea whether this is a totally normal style for young fashionable gentlemen or if he’s wearing his toddler son’s church tie.
the complaint: raya says that deangelo was a bad boyfriend who cheated on her constantly and he owes her money for the care and feeding of their two children.
what does she want: $5000 for back child support, which isn’t even the full amount he owes but is all you can ask for on court tv. countersuit filed: deangelo wants $2500 because he says raya threatened him and constantly keeps his children away from him. i am cringing in advance for the cussing out he is going to get for wanting money while being in the arrears for child support.
how it went down: raya and deangelo started dating in high school and she gave birth to their first son when she was eighteen. deangelo lived with her while they were dating and was incredibly disrespectful, not only allowing women to pick him up from her house but also using raya’s phone to text the women he cheated on her with. WHAT. more nerve than a fucking toothache, i swear to god. can you imagine being this bold? “hey, hand me your phone right quick, i gotta text this other woman i’m having sex with to come pick me up. have fun with our baby!” excuse me? if deangelo ever gives lessons in how to have self-esteem sign me the fuck up.
deangelo begins his defense by saying that yes he absolutely did all of the bad things raya accused him of, but they were all in response to her actions. i’m sitting here like “come on, dude, how bad can it be? is ‘self-defense infidelity’ an actual thing? she looks like a harmless third grade teacher!” and then he says that RAYA STABBED HIM. i’m sorry, what? she stabbed him? she stabbed him while she was pregnant?! okay, i apologize, my bad, it’s cool, if someone fucking stabs you it is perfectly acceptable to text your new girlfriend from their phone, please amend the constitution immediately.
judge mathis asks to see a court order with the amount deangelo is behind and raya hands it over to confirm that he owes her $6500 in back child support, but the order is over five years old so it’s probably way more. i don’t know shit about the law but that’s only like $500+ per kid, per year. goodness gracious, i can’t even make any jokes about this! do you know how much formula and diapers cost?! i had a deadbeat dad who at one point in my early life chose homelessness rather than contribute to the overwhelming expense of the generic aldi cereals my mom was buying, but what is raya supposed to do with $42 a month for these children? show it to them?! deangelo’s defense is that he may not have paid her money through the proper legal channels, but he works at a shoe store and always makes sure his kids “stay fresh.” i understand the value of a brand new toddler-sized air jordan that fell of the back of a delivery truck but sir, unless the baby can use that shoe as medicine and you have demonstrated as much to a family court judge you should have just given raya a money order instead.
the ruling: greg and i are on the same page, you can give a kid $1000 a month in designer shoes and birthday parties but unless you have a cashed check to present to an officer of the court it just doesn’t matter. that makes me sad, because it’s clear deangelo is invested in being a good dad but seriously once you get the law involved you gotta get your fucking paperwork together.
deangelo says that he wants money because raya’s family members have shown up at his house in the past and made threats on his life, that her mother said she was going to “shoot him in the head,” and greg is unfazed by that, calmly asking, “but what did she do to you?” imagine tallying up all your grievances before court, writing your pros and cons out in the hotel the night before your television debut, and having to be like “well, i can’t count that attempted knife fight because that wasn’t my ex it was her mom.” HOW FUCKING STRESSFUL. deangelo hands over text message printouts in which raya threatens that he will never be able to see the children again and judge mathis flips out on her because he doesn’t play around with withholding the kids in domestic disputes. attempted mother-in-law decapitations? no problem! not letting deadbeat dad spend the afternoon with junior at the mcdonalds playplace? JUDGMENT FOR THE DEFENDANT. knock me over with a fucking feather! the judge grants raya’s five grand for back child support because duh, but it’s less the $2500 deangelo won for surviving her many attempts at murdering him.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: after raya detailed how deangelo was a thief and had stolen from her and said “he’d steal from a homeless person if he could,” greg asked deangelo “do you want to give me some background and address these allegations before we have to start nailing everything down in here?” brutal!