who's on judge mathis today? #212
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: marshell from cincinatti, ohio. marshell is serving some real jackeé harry realness, which is wild because i was literally just texting jenny about who should play whom if there was a 227 revival. this conversation was prompted by the side by side photo of lester and michael b jordan she texted me five minutes ago and i am so sorry to do this to you but i will never be able to look at creed the same way ever again. i’m laughing but also shaking and crying and throwing up, why would she do this to me??????? THAT MUSTACHE. it’s too good but also very bad!!!!!!!!! as you know, i am morally opposed to the idea of reboots in general *sweaty emoji* so i can’t pitch it lmaoo but if anybody has norman lear’s phone number you should text his ass.
defendant: jermaine from cincinatti, ohio. OKAY TALL DARK AND HANDSOME, I SEE YOU. first of all let me start here: whatever marshell let jermaine get away with? i get it. dude is enormous, with a smooth milk dud head and a sexy five o’clock shadow, almost cute enough to make me forgive the seven layers of dress- and t-shirts he is wearing under his blazer.
the complaint: marshell was dating jermaine but broke up with him after she found out he was cheating and now she’s suing him for a loan and slander.
what does she want: $3000
how it went down: marshell says she and jermaine were friends with benefits who evolved into boyfriend-girlfriend (is that the only way to say that? it feels childish but i can’t come up with an alternative) until she realized he was “mister do wrong.” BAHAHAHAHAHA that’s hilarious but ugh, terrible. for example, marshell says one evening jermaine left her with his daughter for “hours and hours” and she had no idea where he was or what he was doing, then she eventually discovered that he had been on a date with an ex-girlfriend because she found movie ticket stubs in his pockets. in a surprising twist marshell ended the relationship (feminism wins again, baby!) and, as a precaution, went to the clinic to get tested and found out she had not one but three different STDs. time for a commercial break, we’re moving this case over to murder court!
marshell says, through tears, that jermaine (who is ugly to me now) denied it but she has printed out text sheets™ from his ex-girlfriend in which she tells her that she has the same infections. damn, man. is homeboy’s daughter in school yet? maybe she can bring him some rubbers from the nurse’s office. marshell says after she dumped him she didn’t see jermaine for eight years, then she ran into him in a parking lot (not the way he deserved but i digress) and he sang her a sad sad country song about his wife cheating on him and his best friend dying and she fell for it (hold on, now i gotta take my pink pussy hat off).
jermaine says that he and marshell “kicked it for a while” and for those of you who don’t speak FUCKBOY that means “we had a lot of sex and i pretended to be her boyfriend and/or misled her into believing we were in an exclusive relationship but i was absolutely dicking other people down.” jermaine says that their relationship was over quickly because after marshell found the movie tickets she busted the windows out of his house. (alright now, gloria steinem!) fast forward eight years and he ran into her at the same time his marriage was on the rocks, she was looking all good and he was “feeling vulnerable,” so he started seeing her again and “that’s when the psycho came out.” he says that after they “hung out,” which is what dudes like this call “boning for hours,” she saw him kicking it with his family on facebook and started blasting him all over social media, calling him a dog.
idk if jermaine was trying to get sympathy from him but greg does not give a FUCK, saying “okay sure but what about the money and the STDs” and that’s right, judge mathis is a CHAMPION OF WOMEN. jermaine says “that’s false” and greg is like, “hang on, you jumped right past all that to tell me about some windows and you didn’t say even half a word about the STDs” and where’s his ally of the year award??? somebody get glamour magazine on the horn!
okay so marshell says she lent jermaine money and he promised to pay her back “immediately.” she says she trusted him completely (GIRL, WHY) and he never paid her back a dime. as for the slander, marshell starts to cry again and says that jermaine posted publicly on facebook that she has STDs and lives in a dirty house and i’m sorry but my man are you out of your rabbit ass mind??? posting in a pejorative way about the condition you caused????? listen this is why you gotta date a man who doesn’t know how to use the computer, because at least no matter what damage he inflicts upon your life he won’t be able to brag to everybody about it????????? wheel in the guillotine!
marshell says that jermaine posted that she’s lazy and doesn’t work but he knows she had to take a leave from her job because of her daughter’s severe medical condition, and she was shocked at his lack of compassion since he has……………….FOURTEEN FUCKING KIDS. ohmygod. i gasped so hard i thought i was asphyxiating? that is not a number of human children i can even wrap my brain around??? i, um, uhhhh, WHAT. i might actually stop breathing. jermaine is trying to stifle a laugh, which lets me know everything i need to about the state of his parenting. he does mutter “i take care of my kids” and i would love to know what that means but he doesn’t elaborate. marshell says she has two kids in college and it was extremely painful for them to read what he’d posted about their mother.
greg says “do you work, sir?” and oh shit here we go. jermaine says he does have a job and greg says, “so, you must make what, a couple hundred thousand dollars?” jermaine sheepishly replies “i make $22 an hour” which is a good ass wage but is $1.57 per hour per child and that’s only if jermaine spends zero dollars per hour on himself. greg asks if any of jermaine’s children are successful or in college and you already know the answer to that which, quelle surprise, is “i don’t know.” this is too infuriating to even laugh at, man. fourteen kids born a mile behind the starting line who are gonna spend a lot of their lives trying to catch up and for what??? so this dude doesn’t have to spend more than five minutes alone? i hate it!
man i wish marshell had sued for the maximum because greg is HOT and dying to rule in her favor. he hasn’t even looked at the printed out text sheets™ yet and he’s ready to bang that damn gavel. greg asks jermaine about the money and he says it was a gift, that they regularly gave each other money and never expected to be paid back. but marshell has proof that the last time jermaine gave her money, $50 to be exact, he asked to be paid back and she got it back to him right away. pffffffft. what was this man expecting to happen in here today? did he think he was gonna sweet talk the meanest judge on television or did he just expect to bat his eyelashes a couple times at marshell and she’d pack up her complimentary deep dish pizza and go back to ohio or what. DID HE NOT REMEMBER HE HAD A SOCCER TEAM’S WORTH OF UNTENDED HUMAN KIDS?
the ruling: greg asks jermaine who he lives with, his woman or his mama, and jermaine says he lives “with himself.” marshell jumps in to say that jermaine lives in a section 8 apartment, and here’s where my expertise comes in because no he absolutely should NOT. i grew up in public housing and i’m pretty sure you couldn’t allow a grown man with a paying job to even visit for more than twenty goddamn minutes, let alone legally have one living in your place???? greg knows this, and he’s like “can’t wait for someone to see this and let the state know what you’re committing a felony” and snitches get stitches but also OH WELL.
jermaine admits to talking shit about marshell on the internet, then greg reads from her printed out text sheets™ a message in which jermaine says “i’ll get that money back to you as soon as i can” and does this dude just, like, not think screenshots exist or is he actually this arrogant or what? greg is totally baffled, then he starts reading the facebook post aloud and it’s so bad he has to stop. marshell is stronger than i would be standing there listening to that hateful shit, and as a rebuttal to the part in which jermaine says she lives in a “nasty, roach-infested house” she brought color printouts of her living room to show the judge.
i’m sorry but why is the firing squad taking so long to get here, i sent for them twenty minutes ago!!!!!!!!!! greg turns to jermaine for a response and he says, “yeah i slandered her, i cut into her a little bit” and it’s clear he thought there was a way back from that? i’m delusional, too, but sheesh. it was clear ten minutes ago that marshell was gonna win, and greg of course grants her $200 loan repayment and i’m sorry but ol boy let himself get dragged like this over two hundred bucks!??!!?!!?! he’s gonna lose his crib and have all his exes mad at him over two bills???? i’m sickkkkkkkkkk.
greg pulls out his calculator and bitch i must be psychic because he says “ma’am you didn’t ask for enough, as a penalty i’m granting you $4800 for this terrible slander.” the crowd erupts like they’re getting paid, too; hell even i had to restrain myself from clapping at my computer screen like a fucking freak. greg says, “i don’t even have to say anything else to him, the whole world is gonna tell ya, doc!” maybe not the entire planet, but i can think of at least fourteen people jermaine is gonna have to answer to. here’s hoping he deactivates his account.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you have kids by nine different women? and you don’t know where some of them are??? i think that’s despicable! i think you are a poor excuse for a father.”
*bangs gavel*