who's on judge mathis today? #216
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: anthony from fort wayne, indiana. anthony looks like he just found out he had to come to court, realized he didn’t have anything appropriate to wear, then hastily borrowed a such from his (much larger, much older) father’s closet and ran out the house. either that or the 90s are back in menswear and once again we’re gonna have to watch men fish through their enormous jackets and pants for minutes on end as they search for their wallets and/or keys. anthony is wearing a giant black velour (okay, fancy!) sportcoat over a voluminous royal blue shirt and a navy and green striped tie, and i hope he puts these clothes back before shaq notices he took them and gets mad!
defendant: myisha from fort wayne, indiana. a vision!!!!!! myisha is wearing what i would call a “quintessential ashley stewart dress,” and if you don’t know what all those words mean think…………………….sexy church clothes??? like, clothes you would wear to the club, but for god. there was an ashley stewart in the strip mall near my old crib between a payless shoes and a game stop, and once i went in there with my sister (looking for what? only the devil knows) and i was fucking mystified by every single article of clothing. everything had laces? and was meant to be worn so tight you could see your heart beating through the polyester/spandex blend?? but was also suitable for bible study??? carmen was like “hallelujah! let me find something for essence fest!” and disappeared with 17 different rhinestone-bedazzled peplum tops with keyhole openings, ruffles, and mesh sleeves into the dressing room while i stood outside like “do you have sweatshirts?” anyway what i’m trying to say is that i look like shit sucked off a dog’s balls and myisha is glamorous as hell and wearing something like this or like this or like this or like this!
the complaint: anthony dated myisha and says she was manipulative and that he paid a bond to get her out of jail, but has not been paid back so he’s suing for a bail bond and personal property.
what does he want: $1775! myisha is countersuing for $3500 for defamation, OOH.
how it went down: anthony launches into his testimony saying, “myisha may have a pretty face? but she is a straight up snake.” BOOOOOO tomato tomato tomato tomato!!!!!!!!! if you’re worried your case is so weak that the consummate professional judge mathis will be swayed to rule against you because of the defendant’s face (and boobs, let’s be for real) then maybe you should’ve just written this money off, my man. or at least provide some snake-ish examples??? don’t lead with an ad hominem (yes i had to look that up) attack!!! anthony says myisha is a snake and “has a criminal record longer than three people” which is funny but probably irrelevant. runner-up for the cosmopolitan “fun fearless woman” award, noted feminist greg mathis, isn’t letting him get away with this slander. “how long were you together?” he asks, to which anthony replies “a year.” greg: “and how long did it take you to figure out she was a snake?”
gotcha, babe! you’re not gonna be in greg’s courtroom trying to shit on a person you spent an entire year slithering around in bed with, sucking on that forked tongue!!! “when did you discover she was a snake?” greg asks calmly. oh, three months in? and he didn’t call pest control??? sounds like whatever venom myisha eventually poisoned anthony with was entirely his fault. anthony says that myisha is a snake because she was always hounding him about making it big because he’s a professional chef who wanted to be on television, and she was excited that maybe one day he’d get rich and buy her a porsche. greg is like “um, snakes do things behind your back, sounds like she said everything to your face” but what i’m wondering is at what point in a relationship does “i’m stoked about our future” turn into “you want to take my [nonexistent porsche money]?” aren’t you allowed to be happy that your man might masterchef his way into a new ride???????
anthony says he was helpless against myisha’s batting eyelashes and that’s why he overlooked her scheming on the money he didn’t yet have and stayed with her for eight more months after discovering she was a gold digger. *eyerolls to infinity* i am so annoyed we have to pretend this is real, that myisha allegedly saying something like “can’t wait for you to get a lamborghini after you go on chopped baby” is evidence of literally anything other than excitement that this dude might get some money. idk man, maybe that’s why he’s mad, because she made him feel broke? now that would’ve been a compelling intro. “hello your honor, i am but a poor, humble denny’s line cook with big dreams and this terrible person made me feel small and used” is the way to get the judge on your side!
anthony says he felt deceived throughout their relationship, like one time when he drove by myisha’s house and saw “a foreign car” in the driveway. ohmygod is a dealership sponsoring this episode??? shut up with the cars already. myisha says that happened one time, once, in the beginning of the relationship before they were exclusive, when an ex-boyfriend from out of town stayed the night at her place, which she says she told anthony about before it even happened. wait a minute should this maybe be on divorce court? there’s a whole lot of litigating a failed relationship feelings and not a whole lot of financial wrongdoing, let’s get fucking to it!
okay hang on, speaking of fucking: anthony says that myisha was playing games with his heart as recently as last week. greg’s eyebrows shoot up like “OH???” and anthony says she called him, wanting to “hang out” even though they aren’t together. myisha is like “i didn’t want to hang out, i wanted some SEX” and greg can hardly contain his joy. according to myisha, anthony “has very good sex” and is the only person right now she wants to have sex with. she says “i do call him, but only when i wanna lay up.” lmaooo myisha is absolute perfection!!!! anthony is like “she’s lying” but, ummm, about what? why shut this down?? does a person actually not want to be the greatest sex haver of all time???
the crowd is losing it at this revelation, honestly i wouldn’t have guessed it from the look of him, and even doyle is like OKAY GIRL and this is just the best. idk what anthony was moping and playing his tiny violin about, if anyone said anything other than “sam was there, i guess” about me in bed i would throw a fucking parade! by all means, if anyone i ever boned wants to go on television and say i did anything other than whine and get a leg cramp BY ALL MEANS. okay now it’s myisha’s turn and, after the hornies in the crowd settle themselves down, she says anthony is “the most violent, jealous person [she has] ever been with” and oh noooo consider my boner KILLED. myisha says that when she dated anthony he never had a place to live and when he came to stay with her he never gave her a single dime toward the bills.
oh i’m sorry, is that the engine of a luxury vehicle none of us can afford i hear revving in the distance? i’m mad at myself for not already figuring out that of course the “she just wants me for my money” guy doesn’t fucking have any!!! we’ve all seen this movie before!!!!!!!!!! myisha says that she and anthony regularly fistfought, but she’s not making a big deal out of it because the fighting was mutual. (in her words: “he was punching me, so i was punching him!” i know i’m not supposed to condone violence so i won’t, BUT…………….i love this woman.)
finally, the money. anthony says he spent $1000 bonding myisha out of jail and she was supposed to file her income taxes (uh oh) and repay him within 48 hours of getting out. as for the $775, anthony says that one day he left her house in the morning and she texted him saying “come get your stuff, it’s on the porch.” he’s pretending not to know why and also says that when he’s asked myisha for his things back she hasn’t responded. myisha jumps in, saying, “LET ME SHUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW” and produces some enlarged printed out text sheets™ that dispute anthony’s claim. i mean, from his own fingers he says “i got all my stuff that you put in the bag.” excuse me? what are we doing here??? is this how good sexers engage in foreplay??????? like i said, i wouldn’t know!
the ruling: myisha has proof/witness statements that prove her mother and cousin actually paid to get her out of jail and her accordion of truth™ is like a pandora’s box full of bad shit anthony did. she pulls out a tape recorder on which she has him saying she “should trick out [her] 12-year-old daughter to get the money” (OHMYGOD???????) plus printed out facebook pages™ in which not only is he talking shit about her but also posting pictures of her naked body!!! the judge says “what do you have to say about that?” and anthony says, “well, i put a picture of a *bleep* on facebook…” and myisha yells, “that’s not even the picture i showed him! thanks for telling on yourself!!” and i’m sorry but there’s facebook nudity now?! those aren’t the cats your great aunt is logging on to see!!!!!!!!!
okay they play the recording and, uhh, wow. not only does he suggest that myisha pimp out her daughter but he also says that he is going to “beat [her] motherfucking ass, to death.” yo man, fuck this. we’re doing last second switch-up to murder court, see y’all across the hall in the courtroom with the guillotine. the judge grants myisha’s $3500 counterclaim, and the judge dismisses anthony with the kind of eerie calm that lets me know he would stab him if he could. here’s hoping that she finds someone less terrible to scratch her carnal itch. never trust a big suit and a smile, myisha!!!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “she tricked you with her eyes??? ma’am don’t look at me if that’s all it takes!”
*bangs gavel*