who's on judge mathis today? #219
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: tracy from new orleans, louisiana. tracy is serving a very specific brand of early 90s realness that can only be described as (pardon me for this EXTREMELY NICHE vibe that maybe eight of you are gonna really understand) “white woman who listens to lisa stansfield.” do y’all know what i mean?????? her hair is “staring pensively out an apartment window at the rain in taylor dayne’s ‘love will lead you back’ video as she waits for her boyfriend jerome to come home” hair, hair that is sliding a randy crawford cassette into the deck of her datsun 240z as she lights a capri cigarette (“the slimmest slim in town!”) on her way to step aerobics. tracy has john and kate plus 8 hair with a little bump on top and in the bangs and is wearing a black v-neck with a scalloped hem and large wood hoop earrings, and i don’t have proof but i know she can FIGHT.
defendant: katyanne from new orleans, louisiana. wow o wow do i love a burly, sexy butch and katyanne is IT. i would melt into the fucking floor if katyanne came up to me at a bar!!!!!! 9 feet tall in a bespoke black suit with a slicked-back pompadour and chic rectangular frames??? i’d be trying to climb homegirl like a goddamn tree!!!!! if this case isn’t about hot lesbian sex i will die.
the complaint: tracy says she loaned katyanne money to buy a plot of land, but has not been paid back so now she’s suing for an unpaid loan and harassment.
what does she want: $800!! which is almostttttt not enough to come to court for!!!!!!! (also: are land and harassment unaffected by inflation or was this taped in 1952 because excuse me????????)
how it went down: tracy says she met kate in new orleans when they were both volunteering after hurricane katrina. she says they hit it off instantly and even went on a date, and the date was fun until kate got wasted and serenaded tracy with “i will always love you” while down on her knees in the middle of the bar. okay girl, but that’s just called being gay? literally what is the problem??? tracy says that kate passed out immediately after embarrassing her in the bar and i’m sorry but kate sounds FUN. i once passed out with a fever at this bar and if you wanna know how i like to party i’ll save you a click:
“IT WAS RACHET AS HELL BUT THAT'S WHAT MADE IT FUN!”
“Honestly one of the worst nightclubs in chicago. Went on a fri and recently a sat. Both days horrible. Don't go there.”
“..no bad bitches at all...fashion weak as hell...”
“Bunch of Basic biTchez in Flip flops”
hahahaha should i…………………start a band called “basic biTchez in flip flops?????”
kate chimes in “IT WAS A DISCO” and i’m fucking crying, kate please join my coven i love you!!!!!! anyway tracy says after she peeled kate up off the floor she helped her get a cab and decided that their friendship should remain platonic. she says they’ve remained acquaintances since then and that kate like to “engage in a lot of risqué behavior.” my heart skips a beat as i wait for tracy to describe some new street drug i’ve never heard of or talk about how kate took up juggling swords or something but no, kate just started a catering business? i rolled my eyes like “come on babe i need you to look up the definition of ‘risque’” but then tracy says kate offered her a cater-waiter job and neglected to tell her until her first night on the job that the gig was “topless catering.” i’m screaming.
tracy says “kate has a problem with boundaries and with recognizing people’s limitations…” (greg smiles with his eyebrows damn near touching the ceiling) “…but it did pay well.” girl, i know that’s right! you better shake them chicken cutlets for a check!!!! kate says she is the “champion new orleans lady arm wrestler” and yes i would like her to bodyslam me to the floor. kate says that she indeed met tracy while doing charity work and they did go on a date soon after, and kate says it was the WORST DATE OF HER LIFE. man that’s harsh and such a horrible thing to say about someone whose potential future partners might be sitting at home watching this on tv!!!
god i have had so many terrible first dates but the nightmare one that just popped into my head is this: i was supposed to meet this dude i’d been internet-talking to for weeks. i was about to fly to san diego because my babes nina and izzy were getting married and i was gonna be a bridesmaid, which i was super anxious about. the flying, the bridesmaiding, the whole bit. but this guy was really insistent on meeting up all of a sudden and i am nothing if not a hopeless romantic, so i tell him that we can grab a drink at this bar around the corner from my apartment the night before i had to leave. i get home from work around 630ish and immediately get trapped in the ancient elevator in my building. not just “inconveniently paused,” i’m talking had-to-call-the-fire-department-pissed-my-pants-in-the-elevator STUCK. so the fire department comes and because the lift was between floors they had to manually crank me up to the point they could stick a ladder in so i could heave myself out. i was shellshocked and had sweat and pissed all my fluids out AND YET: when i got to my apartment instead of sticking my head in the oven like i wanted to i dutifully got in the shower and cried for twenty minutes then put date clothes on and left. i texted homeboy that i was “having a rough day” (why didn’t i cancel i mean clearly i don’t love myself) but i’d see him soon. i took an ativan, got to the bar and ordered a mai tai, then waited in a dark booth in the back. my phone dings and it’s him and he’s like “i’m at morse, come meet me at the el and walk me to the bar” and honestly at that point i don’t think i could muster the physical and emotional strength to go fetch a child who actually needed my help but i was definitely not gonna go help a grown ass man?????? i couldn’t even take that request seriously! i thought he was joking so i said “haha i’ll buy you a drink so it’s waiting when you get here, what do u like” and he texted back that he wasn’t coming if i didn’t come get him. again, as a clown person i was like damn he’s really committing to the bit but it didn’t occur to me that he was serious as i watched the door for five minutes until i realized he was never showing up? he sent a selfie of the morse sign behind him from the southbound platform so i knew he had actually come all the way up north from kenwood, and after wasting nine hours (approximately) on the train this dude would not walk the half a block to the bar he’d suggested we go to and chill with me because he wanted to…………..prove a point? honestly what he could have wanted to prove other than, uhhh, misogyny i guess??????? anyway i drank a bunch of mai tais and listened to this reggae band and never spoke to that dude again. my flight was fine and the wedding was really nice and at one point during the reception my entire tits fell out of the top of my sateen david’s bridal dress, all part of life’s rich tapestry etc etc i wish i could get a lobotomy!!!!!!!!!!!
kate turns to tracy and says, “you are one of the most basic, boring people i’ve ever met in my entire life.” GEEZ, LOUISE!!! i take my lust back, this butch is mean! greg asks kate “how is [tracy] boring?” and kate says, “ehh, she just lacks character and personality.” damn man, what the fuck! i dunno i feel like tracy needs to fight her??? you got all that from one date??? (that she actually showed up to?????) that’s a terrible thing to say about somebody especially when you owe that someBODY some MONEY. can’t talk shit to me with my money in your pocket, doc. pay me back and i’ll be all the basic bitches you want but until we’re in the black you better watch your fucking mouth!
greg is smiling like the cat who caught the canary. he absolutely cannot believe he’s got these lesbians up in here clowning during international women’s history month or whatever this shit is called!!!!!!!!! tracy says that one night she and her friend esther (who is with her in court today) were at a bar they (and kate) frequent a lot. tracy was sober and kate was drunk (but lucid) and kate came over to her and told her she wanted to buy an empty city lot for $500 but didn’t have the money. tracy said she would lend her the money but only if she could garden on the lot IN PERPETUITY because she didn’t have a yard big enough at her house. tracy says kate agreed to repay it within three months. she also wants $300 for harassment because not only did kate avoid her many phone calls (this is the opposite of harassment but ok!) she also found out that kate never even bought the lot and she was never going to pay her back. lmaooo a fucking fuckboy for real!!
the ruling: the judge isn’t satisfied with the harassment of it all and asks tracy to provide specific examples of things kate has done to her, but all tracy says is that it’s uncomfortable to go out because tracy and her friends are mean to her and call her names. and look, i get it, kate is rude as a motherfucker and she probably has asshole friends but also this just sounds like boilerplate dyke drama. sorry babe but when the same group of seven people all fucks each other this is the shit that happens! you can’t expect to go to the local gay bar filled with all everybody’s exes without catching a couple stray dirty looks!!!!
kate jumps in here to say that it wasn’t a loan and that she never agreed to pay her back. she says that tracy called her the morning after she gave her the money at the bar and said “i made a grave mistake” and kate’s response was LOL TOO LATE. man i feel bad for tracy!!! i, too, have been sucked in by a handsome, charismatic asshole, and now she’s learning the hard way that you can’t let your wallet get sucked in with you!! kate says that tracy is stalking her, that every time she goes out to party tracy just happens to be there, so how can she harass someone who practically follows her around???
tracy has a witness, a third grader teacher-looking lady (esther from earlier) who stands up and says in her most proper testifying-in-front-of-congress voice that she was at the bar the night in question and kate was drunk as hell and kate did agree to pay that money back within three months, your honor! greg asks kate if she remembers any of that now that it’s coming from a credible witness and kate says “um…” and pauses for a few seconds too long and down comes the gavel, judgment for the plaintiff, but only for $500 because it’s not illegal for a group of surly lesbians to call you a “bugaboo” in the middle of a disco.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you weren’t saying she was basic when you got down on your knees singing!!!!”
*bangs gavel*