who's on judge mathis today? #221
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: elizabeth from houston, texas. are y’all watching the new season of top chef? how is it so consistently good??? i love reality shows but the only people from reality shows i follow on the internet are top chef contestants, because 1 they’re great and 2 their comments aren’t usually full of people screaming SHUT UP BITCH or whatever it is i saw the literal one day i followed my queen (countess, i know i know) luann de lesseps. okay so elizabeth is straight up fucking s e x y in a rich, luxurious purple very deep v-neck floor-length dress??? that i would absolutely fucking wear????? it’s flowy but not cheap flowy, and she’s topped it with a long sleeve black cardigan and i’m sorry to put a superfine point on this but you can literally see her titty skin!!!!!!! this might be an actual first, exposed breast meat in the courtroom?????? this case absolutely better be about boning!
defendant: timothy from plantersville, texas. my man tim looks like he just got off his shift as the assistant manager at office max in his standard-issue pale blue shirt and multicolored tie, an accordion of truth™ he snagged on his way out of the breakroom tucked under his arm. you know who he looks like??? kiefer sutherland’s fine ass in a few good men, a ~film~ that i can and will recite from memory for you if we ever watch it together. (“i have many men in my charge, lieutenant. i write many reports.”)
the complaint: elizabeth says she began dating timothy after they met on a website, but then she went through his phone and found out he was cheating and now she’s suing him for the balance of several loans. (these better be pre-cheating loans!!!!)
what does she want: $294!!!!!!!!! hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everybody dig through your coat pockets and couch cushions and we’ll just pack this case up and go on home.
how it went down: elizabeth says she is a, uhh, big-hearted person (yeah, me too, just check my bra cups) and because of that she often gets burned in personal relationships. well, that’s real. lindy texted me this meme a few weeks ago that literally made me drop my phone: it was that picture of the girl crying over her crayons (omg not a local celebrity????) with text above it that said something like “are you actually nice or have you just made niceness your personality because you’re fat” (it was much more cleverly worded than that, i promise) and i totally stopped in my tracks because, you know, is who i am now who i’d be if i hadn’t started making jokes in elementary school to deflect the teasing? we’ll never know!! it’s just (low calorie) bananas to think about, right? i wonder if some version of this is what elizabeth is going through?
elizabeth says she met timothy on “an online dating site” and once again i would die to know which one exactly but never forget how i wasted the one opportunity i got to talk to the producers of the show by asking them WHY DON’T YOU LET THE LITIGANTS SAY WHAT DATING APPS THEY USE instead of, oh i don’t know, the judge’s favorite pre-case meal? if he uses emojis when he texts?? whether or not he’s wearing pants under his fancy black robe??? (the answer, of course, was that they don’t want to give adult friend finder or plenty of fish any unpaid advertising.) she says they had incredible chemistry during their initial correspondence and it was even better in person, and she even introduced him to her daughter and they got along well and she thought the relationship was going pretty great!
elizabeth says that a month after they started dating she became suspicious that timothy was cheating on her and, in “not [her] best moment,” she decided to go through his phone. you have to have a stomach made of titanium to do that shit. i could never. and i don’t even mean that in some kind of judgmental, moralistic way, i mean that the minute i picked up my partner’s phone with the intent of finding something gnarly on it my hands would turn into blocks of melting ice and i would projectile shit out of every hole on my body. nothing fills me with dread more than looking through other people’s shit. i don’t even want to get the atlas out of your glove box if you ask me to, let alone try to quietly scroll through your phone while holding my breath and clenching my butthole as you peacefully snooze on the opposite side of the bed???????? i’d be less stressed out stuck at the top of a roller coaster.
before i find out how elizabeth found out, where is the place you would check first? assuming that you’re crunched for time and at risk of being caught, where would you go? texts?? instagram DMs??? does anyone write tender, beautiful longform emails anymore???? the thing about a man is that he will try to fuck you anywhere, as evidenced by a dude who once said to me “i can text in the words with friends chat, after 9pm” and i was responded, “WOW I GET IT NOW GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR SECRET WIFE.” even i was not so starved for affection that “words with friends mistress” sounded appealing to me, BUT: would whomever he was trying to hide our conversation from even look there? it’s lowkey genius but also i am a very bad sport and very not good at word puzzles so even if i’d gone for it all his wife would’ve seen is “fuck you who cares about your stupid dick, all i have to work with is a P and two Qs!!!!!!!”
elizabeth says she found “flirty text messages to other females” (ughhh “females????” were they DOGS) on timothy’s phone and greg, purveyor of fine mess, says “what did they say?” and elizabeth says “lots of winky faces.” am i losing my mind or would you absolutely not care about that? clearly i’m a moron because elizabeth leveled up and texted each of the ladies he’d been texting “do u no he has a grlfrend” (i’m just speculating that she texts like that but also i am right), and:
winky 1 said “i had sex with him a month ago”
winky 2 said “i don’t care” and
winky 3 said “i didn’t know and i’m sorry.”
not me doing complex mathematic equations but if elizabeth and timothy had only been dating for a month and he fucked winky 1 a month ago and up to that point had only texted winkys 2 and 3…………….is that actual infidelity??? and, i say this as a woman married to another woman, can it technically be cheating if you met somebody on the computer four measly weeks ago????? elizabeth says once timothy woke up (my man must sleep like the dead) he said all of the winkys were lying and she just…………….chose to believe him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what was the point of humiliating herself with the snooping if she was just gonna keep boning him? maybe she put “i love to feel bad” in her profile.
timothy says that he’d only been seeing elizabeth for two weeks (!!!!!!!!) when she went through his phone and at that point they weren’t in an exclusive relationship. timothy says the text thing was “a red flag” and he wanted to break things off with elizabeth but couldn’t because the sex was too good. alright cool, this sounds very healthy! timothy says that after a couple more months of dating they made it official but elizabeth continued to accuse him of cheating and project her insecurities onto him, which is a disease i also used to have. i cured mine with two years of celibacy and some amy winehouse records but something tells me elizabeth wouldn’t get down like that.
tim says that after a couple months of exclusivity he was dying to break things off with elizabeth but then she got tickets to see tim mcgraw and he decided to stay with her because tim is his favorite artist and he wanted to go to the show, and i’m sorry but are tim mcgraw tickets so prohibitively expensive that you’d stay in a loveless relationship with a person who refuses to trust you just so you could go see him??? i’m trying to imagine whom i would sacrifice my happiness and peace of mind just to see in miniature from 800 feet away. bjork, maybe??? she and anita baker are the only people left on my “see them live before i die” list, and anita will probably do a casino tour sometime in the next few years, right? but unless the bjork seats were really good and i was somehow guaranteed that she would perform my number one favorite jam of all time i don’t know that i could suffer unnecessarily just to see her??? that’s literally what youtube is for!
timothy says the straw that broke the camel’s back was when elizabeth texted him from an unknown number saying shit like, “hi it’s [random FEMALE name], remember me?” and this is embarrassing mostly because i forgot to mention that these people appear to be at least 40+ years old. the teenagers i live with are too mature for this kind of silly shit, it’s blowing my mind that this grown adult lady with her own kid is doing it? why isn’t she more tired??????
the ruling: the full story is too long to transcribe, but timothy says that he played along with elizabeth’s slick ass, who was texting him as “tiffany,” because he knew he’d never slept with anyone named tiffany and the person texting him knew way too many personal details to be a casual acquaintance whose name he’d forgotten. i would not have guessed that tim mcgraw’s number one fan was capable of this kind of pettiness, but he sent elizabeth all over town (“i’m at my apartment, meet me” “whoops, now i’m at this bar on the other side of the city”) and she was impatiently texting him like I’M HERE WHERE U AT while he sat at home and died laughing.
i hate for a man to waste a woman’s fucking time but i’m making an exception for this, a wild goose chase orchestrated by a dude who’s just trying to have some good sex and sing along with tim mcgraw. elizabeth says she’s surprised he didn’t fall for that trick, then tells greg that the money he owes her is for some work shirts and prescriptions of his she’d paid for and i can’t help but wonder……………….who fell for what now??? she played herself with the fake texts and then played herself harder by giving him money???? where they do that at?????? anyway elizabeth got timothy to sign a promissory note for the money he owes her and he fakes amnesia trying to get out of it but greg demands to see his drivers license and upon comparison greg declares that the signature on elizabeth’s document is an exact match to the signature on timothy’s texas license, judgment for the plaintiff, because “it doesn't matter what i believe. it only matters what i can prove. so don't tell me what i know, or don't know. i know the law!!!!!!!!!”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you stayed with her for TIM McGRAW???”
*bangs gavel*