who's on judge mathis today? #222
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated television show of all time
plaintiff: lauren from antioch, california. lauren is rocking frayed-edge white-blonde hair with swoopy emo bangs, a look i haven’t thought about since i was an adult human woman seeing the twilight movie alone in a theater full of swooning tweens (team werewolf, btw). lauren is wearing one of those shirts with the built-in waist in a swirly magenta pattern that screams kohl’s memorial day sale with a black buttonless blazer and black pants, but the true stars of the show are her eyebrows, which have been waxed thin enough to slice meat.
defendant: heather from oakley, california. okay so heather is wearing the inverse of lauren’s outfit (am i using that word correctly, who can say?), a pink blazer over a black top and pants. at first i thought she was wearing dress pants but as she came through the swinging doors i could see diagonal thigh-zippers (???) twinkling under the punishing courtroom lights and those are not pants you wear to church!!! heather is carrying a tightly-wound accordion of truth™ and i just noticed that her blazer has pocket flaps, literally the skin tag of pseudo-professional clothing, and the combination of both useless, inoperable zippers and pockets is making me itch. WHY MUST WE SUFFER!!!!!!!!!!!
the complaint: lauren says she was friends with heather and helped her through a breakup and finding a new job, now she’s suing her for a security deposit and rent.
what does she want: $1838, a respectable sum! uh oh, countersuit: heather would like………………………….exactly $1838 for defamation??? okay, this oughta be good.
how it went down: lauren says that she and heather met years ago when they were both working at a nightclub. i love the club, and one of the delusions i continue to cling to is that working in one must be glamorous as hell. i am, how do you say…?, too “homely” to be a bottle girl? but if i weren’t i’d be in somebody’s dimly lit bar right now trying to convince a dude in a shiny suit and indoor sunglasses to pay $350 for a $50 bottle of belvedere. what a fun life!
lauren says that she and heather got close when heather’s boyfriend dumped her; they started hanging out all the time and went on vacations to cry together. i am sorry to be a huge piece of shit but if i got dumped (it’s happened so many times, surprise surprise) and a girl i’d worked with for a few months cried about it with me??????? i would text my actual friends “lads i might be in in a single white female situation? if you don’t hear from me in a couple days check my apartment to make sure i’m not lying dead with a stiletto heel shoved in my eye socket.” that’s weirdo behavior, right? or am i just bitter because my rusty tear ducts dried up years ago??? (jk jk)
lauren continues, saying that she helped get heather a new job and heather repaid her by using her until she got a new boyfriend. greg says to heather “are you and he still together?” and when heather says no he turns to lauren and says, “sounds like you better get to crying!” as a person who cried yesterday watching a kitten hugging and messily gobbling an ear of corn i probably shouldn’t have laughed at that, AND YET. greg asks why the two of them are no longer friends and lauren says “because she lied to and manipulated me.” uh oh, that’s how it works? time to get rid of every person i know i guess!!!!!!!!
heather tosses her hair and says, “your honor, she wants to act like i’m the criminal? when she’s the one who did the most damage??? she posted pictures of me on social media!!!!!!!” i know your first thought is WAIT SHE POSTED NUDES???????? and i’m sorry to disappoint you but the sheets of printed out facebook feeds™ heather flashes in the judge’s direction appear to just be boilerplate friendship selfies, and here’s where i argue with my televised courtroom law degree (it’s real) that prison should be on the table for friends who post unapproved pictures of any variety on their instagram or whatever. quick (humiliating) detour: when i was dating [redacted], he posted a picture of me looking “radiant” (i.e. sweating shots of old granddad down my shirt outside big star with a taco in my hand in the middle of the summer) on instagram without my knowledge and cara immediately called me like “look what ol boy posted” and i laughed like “haha it can’t be that bad?” but somehow when i logged on it was worse??? and a woman (that i’m sure he’d had sex with) had commented “AWW YOU LOOK CUTE IS THAT YOUR MOM” then i replied “no, i’m his social worker” and now i am writing this from the hole i crawled into and haven’t left in ten years. it should be illegal to post ugly pictures of people you claim to love!!!!!! (if you don’t believe how bad it was see for your damn self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
heather says that she was a much better friend to lauren than lauren ever was to her, and she even helped lauren move out of her boyfriend’s house at two in the morning! the judge asks “did you cry while you did it” and, okay, maybe this is getting a little mean. it’s okay to be sensitive! heather says that no she did not cry over lauren’s failed romantic relationship, because she’s a grownup who doesn’t project her emotions onto other people. well, damn. can she teach me how to do that??????
lauren says that heather is a lying manipulator who learned it from her mama, that the two of them were running scams on churchfolk, telling them that they were going to be evicted in order to get money from them. she says that she and heather signed a six-month lease together and i’m sorry but if you know this woman is always running a con why would you sign a lease with her?????? every time we get into one of these i can’t help but think “if this bitch had ONE mean friend to run her decisions by she could’ve saved herself a whole lot of trouble.” all my friends are fucking mean, you could call literally any of the feral cats in my phone and say “hey dummy, i’m thinking about getting an apartment with this lying scammer i used to work with” and they would have all your cards and accounts frozen by the end of the day. jessie would call the leasing agent and say “do not rent an apartment to this psychopath under any circumstances” and melissa would be in her car on the way to beat heather’s ass and scare her outta town the minute i texted the group chat with the news. someone who is good at business, set up an llc or something where my stupid friends and i can be somebody’s emergency decision-making call, for a reasonable fee. (don’t call your friends first to ask if this is a smart idea, though!)
lauren says she paid first and last month plus a security deposit out of her own pocket, then when they moved in heather gave her $400 and that was it for the entire time they lived together. the agreement was that they each would pay $700 a month, but since heather only had $400 she said she would pay lauren back $150 a month until it added up to the original $700 she owed, but also she was expected to pay $700 each month for rent? so she was supposed to pay rent concurrently with back payments??? okay wait i’m bad at math but not that bad at math, heather was supposed to pay $850 for months two and three and then $700 for the next three months. is this right? (can the business person from earlier double check my figures, please!)
a month after they moved in together heather’s new boyfriend moved in without lauren’s permission, which rightly pissed her off. she went on a business trip (is there a bottle service convention, or) and when she came back she discovered that all of heather’s stuff was moved out, then a few days later heather texted her saying she wanted to break the lease and have the apartment vacated by the end of the month. i listened to this next part three times but i don’t understand the breakdown of what lauren says heather owes (i was out sick during the accounting portion of TV law school), let’s just simplify it and say rent + deposit + lease breaking surcharge.
heather first says “your honor, my mom doesn’t lie” and LOL WHO CARES. she’s not on trial, who gives a shit? second, she says she “paid may’s rent” which is cute but what difference does it make if you were on the hook through october? heather also says that it was lauren who wanted to break the lease (it’s worth noting that lauren is apoplectic on the other side of the courtroom) and greg is like “okay sure, when” and heather starts rambling incoherently and the judge is losing his patience and cuts her off, saying “when” a little louder, and heather says “she wanted to move out” and then greg, who is fully pissed now, roars “WHEN DID SHE SAY SHE WANTED TO MOVE OUT” and heather says “she told me over text message” and then his head erupts like a volcano. you know and i know and everyone in the room knows that judge mathis could clear up this confusion by asking her specifically “in what month did heather say she was going to break the lease” but that’s not how you do comedy, so greg is like “never mind, i believe her.”
the ruling: heather says that lauren posted pictures of her on social media calling her a liar and a thief where all of their mutual friends could see it. she gathers all of her printed out facebook sheets™ and gives them to the judge, and greg is already laughing like “y’all gone learn, posting stuff on facebook!” as he flips through the posts (we only get a glimpse but i can see an all-caps THIEF, lmao) and asks lauren what heather took, and she says “pictures, canvases, and a globe [her] mom got for christmas.” i’m sorry but if my mom gave me a globe for literally any reason i would…………..never speak to my mom again? heather did your ass a favor!!!!!!
lauren says heather also stole money from her in the posts, and when greg asks about it lauren says she didn’t technically steal money, she just didn’t pay her back for things she’d bought her, which is basically the same as having stolen money. did you know that counts as defamation in (make-believe daytime television) court?????? I DIDN’T EITHER. so judgment for the plaintiff, because heather couldn’t tell greg the exact month/day/time lauren allegedly threatened to break their lease, but also judgment for the defendant, because lauren was too spicy on the timeline while trying to make heather look like an asshole!!! so nobody gets nothin’ except me, who finally got a reason to shed a few tears.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “wait, she broke up with her boyfriend? what were you crying about???”
*bangs gavel*