who's on judge mathis today? #224
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: carmeisa from, wait a fucking minute, KALAMAZOO, MICHIGAN??????? finally!!! my time has finally arrived!!!!!!!!!!!! that’s right, when one black kalamazooan makes it on judge mathis all black kalamazooans are on judge mathis. (i just texted noted kalamazoo resident emily to see if we’re kalamazooians or kalamazons or or kalamaganders or what, but this fun facts about kalamazoo article refers to its residents as “kalamazooans” so i’ll defer to their expertise. other noteworthy tidbits? #4 is “they love homemade root beer” (man what) and #17 is “the air smells like garbage.” LOL OKAY??? can’t wait for y’all to come visit!
defendant: juanita, who is also from kalamazoo! it feels like i should give you a tour since, i don’t know, i’m looking out my window at kalamazoo right now??? okay fine, here is a list of the only places i ever go, definitely not tourist attractions:
1 factory coffee
2 the only fancy dinner place to impress people who come here from real cities with
3 the movie theater i settled for after the alamo drafthouse skipped town
4 this dispensary that’s near the jail, which makes me feel bad
5 bookbug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (click for a lil treat)
6 the good indian spot
7 this country ass market that is also a farm where you can pick your own food (i don’t)
the complaint: carmeisa says juanita was an alcoholic, but then she sobered up and became addicted to gambling and now she’s suing her for an unpaid loan.
what does she want: $3000
i had to take a break because the universe won’t stop testing me, god’s weariest lieutenant, and i am in a horrible mood so i had to listen to this talking heads jam seven times in a row to get right ok let’s move i’m back in the zone!!
how it went down: carmeisa says, “this is my mother and i love her dearly, i am the second-oldest of her ten children” and i either have to go lie down or get my fucking eyes checked because i thought these women were, like, college sophomores??? they are extremely young- and gorgeous-looking!!!!!!!!! i literally refuse to believe that the woman behind the defendant podium has given birth to ten human beings?????? wow, shit. drop the skincare routine, juanita!
carmeisa says when she was 12-13 years old her mom started drinking heavily, which i understand because she had a lot of kids??? okay, that’s not funny, but if i had ten kids i would need to be in a medically-induced coma. carmeisa says that three or four years ago juanita realized that her drinking had gotten out of control so she checked into rehab and has been clean ever since she got out. carmeisa doesn’t stop to pause for applause (couldn’t be me, i expect a standing ovation if i so much as skip dessert after dinner) and the reason why is soon made clear: carmeisa says that juanita traded one addiction for another and is now addicted to gambling, OH NOOOOO.
i had an alcoholic father who spent every dollar he made on lottery tickets and ugh what a bummer. gambling is one of those pernicious addictions, because there’s always a chance you might hit, right? even if the odds are a million to one, there’s always the hope that you could be the one. carmeisa holds up two handfuls of plastic cards attached to lanyards and says “these are all her casino cards” and i paused the grainy video and counted at least seven different cards which begs this question: why have i never been to a casino here? i am too afraid of destitution to gamble, i won’t even buy a fucking $1 scratch off ticket, but casinos offer many other things i like like “sitting down” and “seeing has beens sing their old songs.”
literally the only reason to stay alive this long is to get to an age where you know all of an artist’s “hits,” and i’m sorry but would anyone like to see boyz II men with me at the horseshoe in indiana in a couple months?????? or what about new kids on the block or journey down at the soaring eagle?????????? a show, a buffet, and you just crawl upstairs to your sweet hotel bed when it’s all over?! juanita, i get it!
juanita starts off saying, “your honor, i do love to gamble. you know, with a dollar fifty? i could win like twenty-five thousand.” OOF. the judge says, “have you?” and we all know the answer is no! come on, greg!!!!!!!! juanita changes her approach: “it’s fun and i enjoy it. i enjoy going to the casino, pushing that button, and hoping $25,000 comes out!” greg retracts his claws and asks if juanita’s gambling has caused her “financial hardship” and OH YEAH who gives a shit if she gambles and all her bills are paid??? i was so wrapped up in the southwest michigan of it all that i forgot how much i hate slander!
greg says “if you can pay your bills, more power to you” and that’s right, king, we support pleasure over here. carmeisa interjects to say that she loves her mom and doesn’t want to “lose her to gambling,” and unless juanita owes a loan shark what exactly is all this hyperbole about? greg says “i thought she pays her bills?” and carmeisa says “she does but she still owes me” and lmao unless you are gonna murder your mother over three fucking grand babe you gotta chill!!!!!!!!!
old testament greg clocks in for duty, standing on top of the mountain to declare “well if the only person she owes is you, maybe she figures you owe her for all the years, all the money she put into raising you!” OH BROTHER. i can hear my parents screaming “i know that’s right, your honor!” up from hell as all the old black people in the courtroom leap to their feet in rapturous applause.
carmeisa says in march she loaned juanita $3000 to buy a house, and i know it sounds like horse shit but that’s what they cost here. carmeisa says they made a verbal agreement at the time, and a few days later juanita signed a promissory note, a photocopy of which carmeisa submits to the judge. their agreement was that juanita would start paying her $200 a month, beginning in june, until the loan was paid back. carmeisa says she hasn’t seen one dime of the money.
greg asks juanita what she spent the money on and she says she did move into a house and she also bought a water heater and some other household things. juanita says she doesn’t feel like she should pay the money back because carmeisa has three kids and she’s always babysitting them. hmm, this is why you gotta cut ties with your family as soon as you make it to adulthood. OR everybody has to stay at the same level of broke. either way, there’s nothing like some asshole you share a strand of dna with asking you for real money that buys things and then being slick and trying to get you back with some memory from when you were in kindergarten that doesn’t pay for SHIT.
the ruling: greg says you can’t take it upon yourself to pay back a debt with something you’d previously given as a gift and don’t let me forget to clip this video to send as a response to every single text i get from my sisters, whether they are asking me for something or not. greg says juanita should’ve written up an invoice and charged carmeisa a fee, then countersued her for the babysitting. should i go to law school with the express purpose of advising people of shit like this before they go on the show? hmm, and a follow up question: can i go to law school if i barely graduated high school and got a B in the one biology class i took at community college??????
judgment for the plaintiff, obviously. at the end doyle the bailiff gives carmeisa back her paperwork and picks up the rat king of casino swipe cards and juanita says, “i need those back, they probably got money on ‘em!” hahaha i love her. let me see if i can find her and take her out for a night on the town. we could go see kool and the gang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “that’s a lot of cards, ma’am! they gonna name the casino after you in a minute!”
*bangs gavel*