who's on judge mathis today? #227
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: africa from dayton, ohio. behold, a goddess!!! africa is wearing this cute pale lavender dress that sort of looks like hospital scrubs on top? i’m not doing it justice, it has that crossover front that isn’t technically a wrap but also looks like if you bend over too quickly your boobs could flop right out. i love a shirt like that. it adds an air of danger to an otherwise ordinary day, like “is today gonna be boring or is the unsuspecting mailman about to see my nipples??????”
defendant: timothy from dayton, ohio. timothy is wearing a striped polo and a bunch of gold chains but who gives a FUCK about that because, i do believe, in the year our lord two thousand and twenty-two my good man is rocking a slicked-down relaxer??? or maybe a silk press????? okay somebody obviously wanted to get clean for court because not only is he in here rocking a conk but his eyebrows and mustache appear to be professionally shaped, too??? i see you, timothy!
the complaint: africa says she loaned timothy money several times and he said he’d pay her back but she hasn’t received her money so now she’s suing him for breach of contract.
what does she want: $3750 okay now!!!!!!!!!!!! oh no here we go, timothy has filed a countersuit for $3750 for emotional distress.
how it went down: africa says timothy is her ex-fiancé and they met in 2014 on facebook. she says they didn’t communicate for a while but reconnected on her birthday in 2019. let me tell you something. i love being off facebook, i literally cannot imagine the ways in which my particular brain would be further rotted if i hadn’t bailed on it a few years ago, BUT: i have literally no idea when anyone i know was born. for me it’s is the only downside, because facebook was the only way i kept up with people’s birthdays and therefore the only tool i had in my arsenal of appearing to be a thoughtful friend. now i’m the asshole who sees your cake photo three days late and texts you “i’m so sorry was your birthday fun???????” anyway timothy saw her birthday notification and slid into africa’s messenger asking if she would want to spend her birthday with him.
damn, that’s audacious. some people get so fucking nuts about their birthday, i would neverrrrrrrrr willingly put that kind of pressure on myself? like not only is this our first date but it’s our first date and it’s your birthday and oh by the fucking way it’s also december 31st. i’m gonna meet you romantically for the first damn time on new year’s eve and it’s also your birthday???? my man is braver than the troops!
africa says they started dating immediately. she says that she’d just gotten out of a bad relationship that had destroyed her self-esteem and timothy did a good job building it up and making her feel special until she realized he was messaging and meeting up with other people. greg is like “how did you find out?” and africa says “i looked in his phone” and oh fucking no here we go with this. greg asks what prompted her to do that and she says “i just had my suspicions.” i’m not and never have been a phone-looker-inner (i much prefer the old fashioned way of having my feelings hurt: being blindsided out of nowhere) but you gotta know that if you do that? whatever you see is on you! the worst thing you might see if you look through my phone is a porn of some old guy jerking off (should i embed the video) and if that’s upsetting to you too bad, you shouldn’t have been snooping!! but also, if you feel like you need to snoop it’s probably because you already know there’s a problem, and that makes me sad.
the judge asks if africa ever found anything “conclusive” while looking through timothy’s phone and she says yes, she saw messages in which he was inviting several of his exes over to “take naps.” TIMOTHY. come on, man. i know that “hey babe, wanna bone?” is………………….inelegant, but is “let’s take a nap” really a classier alternative??? can you imagine showing up to dude’s house in a ratty t-shirt with your hair in rollers and your reading glasses on only to have this dude pawing at your underwear because he mean “nap” not nap????? i’d be beside myself! greg asks what timothy’s response was when africa confronted him about the messages and he said he “just wanted to get some of his clothes back” and hahahaha come on, man!
timothy starts to tell his side and the first thing i notice is that he is wearing a pinky ring on each hand and that is a terrible sign. he says that when he first encountered africa online in 2014 he liked her but he wanted to make sure he got himself together so he could be “the perfect man” for her, which he was when they officially got together in february of 2020. timothy says that when they started dating he had to help africa get rid of her ex-boyfriend, whom he physically had to remove from her property because they were living together. i hate to have to take this position, BUT: that was nice. i’m sorry but i don’t care how hilarious your facebook statuses are, if being with you means i have to forcibly eject a man from your home??????? i’ll see you on the internet, boo!!!!
timothy says that when he came into “miss africa’s life” (my kingdom for a romantic partner to refer to me as “miss sam”) his only goal was to make her life better. judge mathis asks why they broke up and timothy says that during an argument africa hit him in the chest and he decided it was over. africa interjects saying that that’s not the whole truth. she and timothy had been arguing one night and she thought it was over with, but the next night she cooked him dinner and while he was eating he decided to bring it back up, yelling at her for not deleting male friends off her facebook. wow i hate this but also i really love it. good ol’ facebook bringing people together and ripping them apart at the same time!
greg goes full men’s rights, yelling at africa about invading timothy’s privacy while she was hypocritically still friends with men on facebook, then he asks about whether or not africa hit timothy. africa says when timothy kicked off the argument about the number of men in her top 8 he stood up from where he was sitting at the table and started spitting food in her face, and i am unfamiliar with the exact wording on this but if you spit in my face i do believe i get to run you over with a car. she continues, saying that timothy kept advancing toward her while spitting (vile!!!!) so she put her hands up to keep him at bay. he got closer so she pushed him away from her, then he went and packed his things and they were over for good, which is shocking to me. maybe timothy really did help improve africa’s self-esteem!!!!!!!!
the ruling: africa goes through a detailed list of all the money she has lent to timothy, for cell phone bills and car payments and car repairs, etc. the list is so long ($57 here, $35 there) that greg has to interrupt to move the story forward so we’re not here all fucking night (“$7.42 at mcdonalds, $159.26 at target, $3 for a bus pass,” and on and on) and africa says timothy signed a promissory note for all of it. imagine thinking you’re gonna marry a dude but not being comfortable enough to just give him $12 without writing up a whole contract i’m crying!!!!!
timothy chimes in and hold on, wait a minute, i think he is trying to…………………..blame his multiple car repairs on africa’s size?????? first of all, ew. second of all, he shoulda gone to the people’s court with that because if there’s one thing we do know it’s that greg rides hard for fat bitches. what timothy actually parts his lips to say is “my mechanic, since i was coming back to back to back, my mechanic said ‘you gotta be toting a lot of heavy weight for this—’” and the judge pounces, shouting, “did you tell him ‘i gotta bring it back and back and forth because i’m broke, and i don’t have any money, and i can’t keep it up, and when i do bring it back it’s because i gotta hustle a woman for her money to bring it back?’ this nonsense you’re suggesting, that he made these comments about her, based on her size??? you know i’m not gonna let this man do you like that! not in MY courtroom, you’re not! i saw the promissory note, man, get outta here!! anything you want is dismissed!!!!!!!” verdict for the voluptuous, rubenesque plaintiff, and RIP to this fucking bozo.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you only invited your exes in for a nap, but her exes were living with her!!!”
*bangs gavel*