who's on judge mathis today? #228
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: kelly from akron, ohio. strolling into the courtroom with her accordion of truth™ leading the way, kelly is a statuesque bombshell dressed head to toe in black with a swoopy black and blonde shiny bang-wig (is that a real term? who can say) and lots of gold jewelry. every single time i do one of these i think “what would i wear to court?” like the one time i was summoned before a judge i didn’t wear flip flops and a fucking hoodie, and kelly’s confidence to wear a sheer bodysuit beneath a fitted blazer is astonishing to me. what a bold move! i wouldn’t be brave enough to put that on to twirl around my bathroom, let alone in front of half a dozen cameras??? i am in awe!
defendant: tammela from akron, ohio. tammela is wearing a similar bang-wig to the one kelly has on, except hers is less medium dairy queen swirl cone and more platinum afghan with extra shine spray. she’s wearing a gorgeous deep plum fitted church dress that looks ripped from the digital pages of my favorite purveyor of clothes for stylish ladies on the usher board, and she looks smashing.
the complaint: kelly says tammela threatened her with a pool stick and damaged her car fleeing a fight at a club one night, now she’s suing her for an insurance deductible!
what does she want: $1500 countersuit filed: tammela would like $2300 for assault, a cell phone, and harassment WOW!!
how it went down: kelly says she met tammela four years ago when she was working as a security guard and tammela was a bartender. uh oh, is this………….lesbian drama???? i sure hope so!! kelly says tammela is a drama queen and is always picking fights, most of which she loses. kelly says she’s had to pull girls off tammela to keep them from beating her up, and greg asks, “how many fights has she been in? can you estimate?” kelly says tammela has been in “9 or 10 fights over the last four years.” is that a lot? i don’t fight, so even one is too many for me, but is that a lot if you work in a bar????? tammela says that it’s been kelly’s friends who’ve tried to beat her up, and it’s only happened 3 or 4 times, and okay when are we gonna get to the part where these two fucked or something because COME ON.
kelly says that she and tammela have only gotten into one physical altercation, and i gotta pause right here to tell you that kelly is cool as a fucking fan, man. huge big dick energy (is there a gay version of that), she’s calm and deliberate in her speech and her whole vibe is extremely comforting. am i……………..in love??????? possibly! she says the night they got into it the owner of the bar asked kelly to round everyone up at close and get them out, and when kelly told tammela her response was “bitch, bye.” kelly says tammela called her a bitch again while raising her drink to her lips, and kelly snatched the drink, hurled it at the wall, then grabbed tammela by her throat and threw her up against the bar. now listen, i do not condone violence but also this is extremely sexy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tammela grabbed a pool stick and threatened kelly with it, then kelly “two pieced her” (PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and tammela flew over a speaker and landed under the “stripper stage” (ahh, this is making more sense now) on top of the broken cell phone whose value she’s currently countersuing for.
tammela says that kelly has been fired from every club she’s worked security at and she’s known for being “aggressive and evil.” god, that’s so fucking funny i love these women!!! tammela says she’s a club promoter and a bartender and is a “social butterfly” who gets a lot of attention because she’s a “people person.” when you are young and fun there is no better friend to have than a club promoting bartender, and i believe every word tammela is saying. she probably has 4000 numbers in her phone! tammela says kelly writes stuff on facebook about her, saying she uses cocaine and is promiscuous. the judge asks why and tammela says “because she doesn’t like me!” she says she thought she and kelly were cool until the night she attacked her, and when greg asks why tammela thinks kelly went after her she says “because she’s a bully, and she’s evil.”
tammela says “she wasn’t even working that night, i feel like she was having security withdrawals” and i almost did a spit take and ruined my whole goddamn computer. how far is akron from here? i need to go party with these ladies!! greg asks tammela for her version of the fight, and she says that her club was slow so she and her coworkers went across the street to the strip club to hang out. her manager bought all of them double shots, and at last call kelly came by and told them to hurry up and finish their drinks. tammela says she called kelly a “b word” and told her she couldn’t drink a double that fast, and when kelly came back around to tell them it really was time to clear out tammela called her a “b word” again and then kelly snatched the drink out of her hand and then beat her ass.
greg says that even though it wasn’t cool of kelly to react that way tammela did provoke her, and as a person who uses “bitch” recreationally i wonder if she was really saying it like that. are we all sure that it wasn’t a friendly little “bitch?” tammela is so small and soft-spoken and not to infantilize her, BUT: i just can’t see her egging on a buff woman who is clearly at least a foot taller than she is??? i mean, maaaaaybe those shots were strong as hell but kelly looks like fucking marsha warfield (that is a compliment!!!!!!!!!!!), tammela surely didn’t think she could win against her in a fight? the judge says “you shoulda known that a security person as large as she is wouldn’t want to be called that by you” and okay i guess but it feels like something is missing here!
kelly says on a different night there was a new bartender at the club (tammela had been fired) who was bringing in a lot of business. kelly says tammela was there (she refers to her as a “bop,” a slur i’ve never even heard before and will never type in this context again) and she was shaking her ass in the corner, “doing other ignorant little stuff,” and the new bartender asked security (not kelly, i don’t think?) to escort her from the premises. tammela got mad, snatched the combination napkin/cocktail straw holder, and threw it at the bartender’s head, missing her and shattering a bunch of the liquor bottles on the wall. tammela ran out of the bar, jumped in her car, and drove home to pick up her sister, then came back. ooh this story is making me miss being 22, brother! if i close my eyes i can smell the sinus-clearing tang of perry ellis 360 doused on a man wearing indoor nighttime sunglasses and taste the sweet sting of stoli razberi on my tongue!!!
kelly says they were wearing “bandannas and tennis shoes, you know, ready to fight” (i can’t) and that she begged and pleaded with tammela’s sister to just go home “because she has kids.” umm babe i’m pretty sure she kissed them goodbye on the way to come tear the club up but sure i guess! kelly says that tammela and her sister didn’t know that the entire bar full of patrons was backing the bartender when she went to the parking lot to fight them, and tammela’s response was to try to mace them all en masse (omg) and when that didn’t work she jumped into her car and drove into the fucking crowd (OMG). umm, let me walk back that “soft-spoken” shit i said earlier!
apparently tammela threw the car into reverse so she could ram the scattering crowd another time (is no one afraid of jail???), then crashed into kelly’s car where it was parked in the lot. this is absolutely horrifying, but also incredibly exciting, which i only feel comfortable saying because we aren’t in vehicular homicide court right now. apparently tammela yelled out the window to kelly that she would take care of the damage to her ride, and kelly never heard from her again. well duh, she dropkicked her fucking phone!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: tammela says that she and her sister were “jumped by twenty people, including dudes, because they don’t like me” and she tries to speed through the story but judge mathis is absolutely not having any of that. “did you go pick up your sister?” he asks with an attitude. tammela says no, but then she says she called her sister and her sister pulled up lmao. babe that’s basically the same!!!! greg says “and did you throw something at the bartender?” and tammela hesitates before saying that she did but it was only because something was thrown at her first.
tammela says people were throwing bricks at her and she was blacking out from the mace when she crashed her car into a wall, not into kelly’s car. i’m not sure how we’re supposed to believe a person who is denying doing something she was losing consciousness during, and the look on the judge’s face is telling me we aren’t! tammela says they ran into each other (FIGURATIVELY) at the hospital the next day where people were filing their police reports (and, i assume, attending to their burning eyes and busted limbs?) and kelly told the police she didn’t want to file criminal charges against tammela, she just wanted her deductible paid. (a gift!!! honestly!!!!!!!!!!!)
tammela says that she saw kelly at the mall a few days later and kelly told her she would “take $300-500” and that would be the end of it, and tammela has an attitude about it but considering she could’ve been a real asshole that seems pretty reasonable? like, if i was at my most lowdown hateful gutter worst, i’d be in a hospital bed crying and filing a ten page police report about all the emotional damage my car and i had suffered. i mean, she just said kelly declined to press a criminal charge! you ain’t gotta kiss her feet but damn!!!!!!
kelly has the police report and pictures of the damaged car, and tammela mumbles “yeah that’s the stuff she told the police” and greg’s mean ass is basically like “yeah that’s how police reports work.” greg tells tammela she’s “acting contemptuous” and tells her 5'3" people shouldn’t be out here calling 6'3" people “Bs.” hahahaha i love censored daytime television!!!!!!!! judgment for the plaintiff, whom tammela calls a “BITCH!!” as they walk out of the courtroom. perfect!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “don’t act like you don’t know why she attacked you! you called her two Bs!!!!!!!”
*bangs gavel*