who's on judge mathis today? #229
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: barbara from detroit, michigan. before we get all the way into it i’m watching this on youtube and the ad before the video starts is for gatorade and my gorgeous friend jessamyn stanley is in it???? EXCUSE ME????????? i was feeling around my desk for some headphones, not really paying attention to the ads because they work on me and i already have too much shit so i have to avert my eyes, but i looked up and there she was, drinking her electrolytes. that’s so cool! so, miss barbara is either 27 or 72 years old (you can’t tell with black people sometimes) and is wearing a royal blue blouse under a black blazer and her hair is in fresh ringlets (okay……..closer to 72). she starts unburdening her accordion of truth™ of its many, many pages of what i assume are printed out text sheets™ in the largest available font.
defendant: meeka from detroit, michigan. bright red lips, long red nails, thick black eyeliner, witchy black dress, black bundles down to her waist, eyebrows sharp enough to slice deli meat: A GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the complaint: barbara says she and the defendant were dating the same man at the same time and claims the defendant made her life hell, even posting her phone number so people would call and harass her, so she’s suing!!
what does she want: $5000 the max??? okay, mama!!!!!!!!! meeka is countersuing for $5000 (uh ohhhhh) for harassment!
how it went down: barbara says “your honor, meeka has made my life a living hell.” ugh i just shuddered because that is truly my worst nightmare, someone bothering me all the goddamn time. barbara says that she and meeka were unknowingly dating the same man, and i’m sorry but we have to immediately move this case to murder court because i know she’s not giving this old lady the business over a fucking MAN????? there are so many! you could just, like…………….find two different ones and just be friends with each other this is not hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway sorry for the feminism. barbara says that she put their shared boyfriend out the minute she found out he was seeing meeka while also seeing her. greg asks how she found that out, and barbara says that one day homeboy told her to meet him at his job. she parked out front to wait for him and saw him come out of meeka nailz (i looked, this is the proper spelling tyvm) next door to his job and she went home and packed his shit right up. the judge is like [marie-kondo-i-love-mess dot gif] “wait a minute! what did the man say? what was his excuse?????” and barbara shrugs like WHO CARES and lmao i love her. she says “what can i say, i like to pack ‘em up quick!” and i’m sorry but can she be president? greg begs her to tell him what dude said and she says he told her that he was in the nail shop watching his daughter get her nails done but she didn’t buy it, especially since friends of hers told her they’d seen him hanging around in there on the regular because he was seeing meeka.
barbara says she drove home, packed the man’s shit up, then drove the box of his things back to the nail shop where she left them out front. i just stood up and saluted my TV while a single tear rolled down my cheek. WHAT A BAD BITCH. messy ass greg asks barbara what she left, and she says “four bags of clothes and his personal items.” i’m sorry but barbara is my new god????? barbara says she tried to warn meeka what she was getting into with this lying, womanizing convict, but she was super nasty about it. greg is like “was he all that when he was with you?” and we all know what he’s trying to do but barbara cuts him off like, “yeah, but i only knew him for two months and that’s why i got out!” gotcha judge!
undeterred, judge mathis says “now where do you know him from?” and barbara says “from the bar association picnic.” excuse me, what? confused, greg says “‘bar’ as in ‘lawyer?’” and barbara responds “no, ‘bar’ as in ‘drinking establishment’” and everybody loses their minds laughing.
meeka says this is her first time ever meeting barbara and that she met the man in question while she was exercising on the riverwalk (god i love detroit!!!) when he approached her and started talking. he unloaded his entire life story onto her (UGH) and told her he worked at the salvation army and it was clear he was trying to spit game. i’m not sure why if you’re trying to bone somebody you’d bring the salvation army into it, but i guess that’s fine as long as you’re trying to fuck in a godly, heterosexual way. meeka says that before she brings anyone into her life she has to talk to god about it, and when she spoke to god he told her that there was a woman in the picture but the lying womanizer wasn’t having sex with her so don’t worry about it. LMAO WHAT. god has only ever told me “you’re ugly and people hate you,” how do i get connected to the cool ass dude meeka is talking to???
meeka says that she sat the womanizer down and told him to level with her about the other woman in his life, and after hesitating for a moment he said “she’s my probation officer.” hahahaha maybe it’s because mommy just took her medicine but i’m fucking crying at that??? OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD SAY. maybe this is shitty but i’d be like, “that’s my aunt” or something? my older sister??? why say probation officer!!!!!!!!!! “that’s a smart criminal move,” says greg and uhhhh not it is not? the judge asks meeka where homeboy told her he was living and he said with his “probation officer,” and i’m sorry but even a cursory knowledge of the legal system should tell you that something is wrong with that??? even if you believed that was true (HOW) wouldn’t you run screaming from someone(s) with such terrible judgment????? you can’t live at your probation officer’s house!!!!!!
meeka says she told him his situation seemed fishy and that she wasn’t gonna “chase an old man, a 55-year-old criminal.” greg is like “OLD??? i’ll have you know i’m 55 and i have girls all across the country chasing me.” i know that’s right but come on man, a millionaire 55 is a regular person 37! meeka says after a while it was just too much drama for her to keep seeing him (her words: god don’t bless no mess!) and she is a businesswoman with a business to run so she told him to get his ass on. at that point, she says, “miss barbara and her friends” started trying to wreck her business. from her accordion of truth™ she pulls out a stack of printed out enlarged text sheets™ showing tons of fake appointments barbara and her friends made at the nail shop.
greg turns to barbara like “wait a minute, i thought you were here because [meeka] harassed you???” and barbara says that the day her friend told her that the womanizer had “got” meeka she wanted to get the last laugh so she texted her “ha” because of how rudely meeka had spoken to her when she’d tried to warn her about dude. (meeka has a business number you can text for appointments, in case you’re wondering how barbara got to her.) in response, meeka posted on facebook (HALLELUJAH) that “if anyone wants a 65-year-old cougar” (bitch!!!!!!! i was so close!) “then call miss barbara” and posted her number online. lmaooo i love this song. you can’t be texting slick shit to people you’re in conflict with and not expect them to do some worse shit to you!!! barbara said “ha” and meeka clapped back with “HAHAHAHAHAHA.”
barbara has the printed out facebook status™ but she also has audio recordings of all the calls she immediately began to receive. i’m fucking s a l i v a t i n g over this, what a ride! hang on, she doesn’t just have recordings, barbara brought transcripts, too????? keep in mind that i am stoned to my bones, BUT: this might be the greatest case in recent history. an unseen producer presses play and the first call features a lovely voice telling barbara to “make that fat pussy twerk.” LOLLLL OHMYGOD? the second message is from a good christian woman saying to barbara “you’re a dick sucker.” as a former enthusiastic dick sucker i don’t take offense at this, but barbara’s quick retort is “your mama is a dick sucker” so clearly she does.
the recording is so long my goodness it is so fucking looooong and it’s so dumb but the judge can’t stop laughing and neither can i. he, at least, is trying to stifle it but i am barking like a damn seal. these people are old as hell and on here fighting over a dude who steals TVs and only has a couple bags of clothes??? maybe i need to gas up the pilot and run over to detroit and take these ladies to literally any street in the city and find someone else worthy of their precious time!!! wait a second should i…………..start a dating service????????
the ruling: meeka says barbara has been booking fake appointments that prevent other people from scheduling with her and therefore having a negative effect on her business, and she’s also been following her around constantly, even after she and inmate 63872648 ended their relationship for good. she says she did make that facebook post, but she took it down immediately because that’s “not in [her] character.” okay then!
greg rules that barbara can have $3000 because meeka “harassed [her] in a big way” and barbara tries to give the judge more paperwork and he angrily shouts “MA’AM I DON’T NEED MORE” like he is ten seconds away from pulling his phone out from under his robe and post her info on facebook himself. and he’s also gonna go ahead and give meeka $1500 because barbara dumped ol’ boy’s clothes in front of her business, making it look raggedy and unprofessional. i guess all i have to say about that is HA!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “i take it back, he is not a smart criminal!”