who's on judge mathis today? #23

a books/snacks/softcore daily (ok i messed up this week, i know) mini letter

the plaintiff: maggie from kansas city, missouri. super cute, long pink hair, grey sweater, pink jeans. accordion of truth™ firmly in hand.

the defendant: anthony from raytown, missouri. anthony looks like the guy at the bank who offers to waste his time walking you through all the available account options when all you really need is the free one that doesn’t require a minimum daily balance due to poverty: crisp blue shirt, polka dotted navy tie, nice hair, nice but boring.

the complaint: maggie broke up with anthony after he failed a drug test (one she administered or one from the court??) and is suing him for crashing her car.

what does she want: $4864 for the value of a car and a cell phone.

how it went down: maggie begins by saying that in december 2016 “this man was fortunate enough to get me as his girlfriend” and GO THE FUCK OFF, SIS. may we all approach each day with that same confident energy. on a couple of occasions maggie found things while going through anthony’s backpack: first she found condoms, then a perfume bottle, an empty adderall prescription bottle, and a bunch of receipts for burger and hot dogs and shit even though he had supposedly been a vegan with her for the last two years. oh shit she found MEAT RECEIPTS?!

as a person who currently has a bar of ritter cornflakes hiding in a backpack shoved into the corner of the coat closet, i just gotta say STOP GOING THROUGH PEOPLE’S SHIT. at best, you find something extremely puzzling that makes you a little uncomfortable. at worst, used condoms and meat receipts! (one could argue that a used condom is just another variety of meat receipt, but i am trying to be less of a gross pig.) have you ever looked through anyone’s secret stuff and felt anything other than disgusted? i don’t want to know what little baggies of fingernail clippings or ancient, tear-stained love letters you keep in your desk drawer.

after maggie found the bottle of adderall she made anthony take a drug test, which is a thing i only know is possible because i watched euphoria. anthony had told her he’d stopped taking adderall, but the test revealed otherwise. is this a thing people are doing? i don’t know, dude. if you, a regular moron, wanted to drug test me, a regular moron taking drugs that had been prescribed for me, i would probably refuse? i am a very unwell person who has many amber bottles littering every single flat surface in my home and, if you asked me to piss in a cup, i’m sure you’d find evidence of them in my system. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE. is this what dating is like these days?!

anthony says when he met maggie he just loved her so much and the first four months of their relationship were so great. everyone knows that those months don’t count, love is only real after you’ve spent at least two years listening to this bitch go on and on about the same goddamned shit. anyway anthony says that everything was peaches until maggie went to a music festival. “the most important event of her life,” according to her. wow, i cannot relate to that at all! she maybe cheated on him at the festival but he can’t say for sure. they continue to argue a lot about his having a burger one time behind her back. goddamn, he can’t take his pills can’t have protected outside sex and he can’t have a delicious slice of aged cheddar cheese?! WHY LIVE.

the ruling: maggie says that she let anthony use her car to go to his mother’s house. another vehicle struck him as he was driving and her car was totaled. doesn’t that mean the person who hit him should pay? i understand literally nothing, but if you hit my car with your car doesn’t the general or that guy from the office who now does commercials with james harden owe me a new ride?! anthony contacted a lawyer about putting together a personal injury lawsuit, and the attorney advised him to include maggie’s car in his damages. I LOVE A CASE WITHIN A CASE. but then he apparently never called that attorney back because, surprise, attorneys cost a lot of money! they’re not going to sue someone on your behalf without a retainer! have you never read a john grisham novel before, homie? that’s why your ex-girlfriend has dragged you onto free court tv! after the lawyer fell through anthony texted maggie that he would pay her for the damages, text messages that maggie printed out and brought with her inside her accordion of truth™ to show to judge mathis. judgment for the plaintiff!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “used condoms, in your backpack? ugh you nasty! whatever it was for, what you got it in your backpack for, you nasty thing?”

*bangs gavel*