who's on judge mathis today? #230
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated court show of all time
plaintiff: don from topeka, kansas. don looks like rivers cuomo except with a beard, and that reference tells you everything you ever need to know about how old i am and the kind of music i listened to when i was 16.
defendant: sheila from eudora, kansas. sheila is wearing a surprisingly short n’ sassy shirtdress in a deep blue with a wide brown belt, her blonde hair parted on one side with the kind of teeny lil spectacles you’d see on a kindly grandmother in a fairy tale.
the complaint: don was married to sheila twice (man, what) and they have a child but his ex once told him he might not be the biological father, now he’s suing her for the cost of a car and a kegerator. A WHAT????
what does he want: $3325 to cover both a car and whatever a “kegerator” is????? i’m guessing not the finest variety of either! sheila is countersuing for $4000 for harassment and emotional distress!!!
how it went down: don kicks it off saying “your honor, i’ve married this lady twice. the first time in 1981 and the second time in 2011.” come on don, you gotta give me a damn BREAK. i was 1 year old in 1981 and 30 years old in 2011 if you need context for how unbelievably long that fucking timespan is??????? are there zero other eligible singles in kansas??????????? WHY. the judge says “so this is your ex ex-wife” and doyle the bailiff says “DOUBLE X” and i can’t even laugh because i’m too horrified. let the dead stay buried!!!!!!!!!!!!
don says that he and sheila went to prom in 1981 and she got pregnant (i thought that just happened in cautionary biblical tales!) so he “did the right thing” and married her. OH BOY. he says that he did the best he could but all he could do was nine months of marriage. sheila says “beating a woman was the best you could do?” and wow i wish i hadn’t started this! don says that sheila “tracked him for thirty years” and hang on i gotta go find a hammer to throw at my television screen. i’m sorry brother but if you two have a child together that’s not “tracking” that’s called “our baby needs shirts.”
greg’s lip is snarled up and thank goodness for whatever rude shit he’s about to say next. “what does that mean?” he asks, and don’s example is “if i got a phone in my name she would call me to check in once every eight or nine years.” YOU READ THAT RIGHT. i had to run the fucking tape back because i thought for sure mine ears doth deceiveth me. eight or nine days? no! eight or nine months??? no! this man is mad because the mother of his child contacted him once every eight or nine fucking years???????? let’s take this case next door to the courtroom with the guillotine in it!
greg says, “she’d say what?” and don answers, with a shrug, “that she was still alive?” lmao i’m furious. “YOU HAVE A SON!!” sheila interjects, and just imagine the amount of nerve it takes to nope out on your kid’s life and then drag his mom into court talking about “pay me for a kegerator.” i’m sorry???????? pay her for eighteen years of christmas presents and shit!!!!!!!!
“what about the child?” greg asks with all the hostility i feel boiling up inside me, and don mumbles through some shit about how he didn’t think the kid was his, but then sheila jumps in to say that they confirmed paternity with a DNA test and don says “by that point he was ten years old and already had nine-and-a-half years of a good stepfather!” every eyeball in the courtroom rolled in unison.
sheila says that she divorced don because he beat her, and when greg asks how they ended up getting back together she says those magic words i love to hear: “he found me on facebook.” sheila says they talked online for six weeks and don convinced her to go visit him, and when she did he told her that he missed her and loved her and regretted divorcing her and they married six months later. *sigh* the second marriage lasted two years because sheila discovered he was a liar who not only continued to be abusive but was also a heavy drinker and “a druggie.”
sheila (who is very soft spoken and maybe on the verge of tears?) says she has a protective order against don and she’s told him many times not to text or call her or come around. wait a minute, can you sue someone who has a restraining order against you?? like, what if it’s just a ruse to get her in the same place????? sheila gives the judge copies of the restraining order and of all the printed out facebook messages™ don has sent her since she told him to leave her alone. this………..does not look great!
okay let’s get to the car: don bought an isuzu rodeo (throwback!!) that was supposed to be his car for his use that he would make the payments on, but he had to get it financed in sheila’s name because he has shitty credit. he says when he paid it off sheila refused to sign the title over to him and took the car and sold it because she is a degenerate gambler. greg is looking over the divorce paperwork sheila gave him and says “wait, the dodge wagon?” and don says “no the isuzu” and sheila interrupts to say “the isuzu was awarded to me in the divorce” and again i am begging to know why this man decided to bring this case onto television court! he couldn’t have thought this was a good idea??? i hope he just wanted a free trip to chicago!!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: don says he didn’t know that the judge had awarded sheila the fancy car because he was too drunk to go to divorce court and i’m pretty sure my brain is trying to climb out of the back of my skull. sheila says that the divorce court judge granted her everything in her possession at the time, including the kegerator. “what is a kegerator?” the judge asks, and while don is trying to scientifically explain that it’s a special refrigerator you put a keg in blah blah blah and sheila cuts him off, saying “something an alcoholic needs in his house!”
greg asks sheila about her counterclaim and honestly haven’t we heard enough already? sheila details some horrific abuse and the judge asks don for a response and he says “she still loves me, your honor” and just throw the gavel at his head already!!!!!! looking through the paperwork greg announces that don has a conviction for assaulting a woman and sheila says “three of them!” don asks “what year was that?” and greg says “what year’d you do it in?” and alright alright he’s about to tear his ass apart. don says he’s learned his lesson and greg just starts reading off his list of convictions but those don’t even matter because a different judge on a different courtroom television show (i wish!!) already gave sheila the stuff he’s suing for!!!! all this experience on the wrong side of the law and my dude hasn’t learned shit, maybe during one of his many visits to the county jail he should’ve asked somebody to teach him about splitting up marital property. judgment for the defendant and time for me to go tap somebody’s ice cold kegerator!!!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “the judge gave you the wagon! you got the wagon and she got the fancy car, and now you’re in here trying to get her fancy car???” (please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)