who's on judge mathis today? #231
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: channon from youngstown, ohio. channon is wearing a floaty tunic that is sorta bejeweled down the center? and her hair is in beautiful barrel curls that are! not! moving! and should be in an ad for whatever hold spray she uses, my goodness. channon looks so fucking mad and she is gripping her accordion of truth so tight her knuckles are turning white, i cannot wait to hear what she’s so pissed off about!!
defendant: malkia from new castle, pennsylvania. as soon as she walked through the door i shouted “MODCLOTH??????” in pure shock because never in real life have i seen anyone actually wearing one of those 1952-ass secretarial dresses before this very moment. i mean, i assume there are thousands of kindergarten teachers out there cosplaying as grace kelly in a cinched fit-and-flare dress with garish cartoon poodles printed on it, but not any people i have ever seen prior to today. remember that wave of, like, every fat girl needs to be in an unforgiving cotton dress with colorful foods on it??? i hate that trend! why isn’t it over?? why must i walk around looking like a fat popsicle in a dress that will literally burst at the seams if i bend down to tie my shoe??? anyway malkia is wearing a forest green dress somebody smuggled off the set of mad men and she looks great.
the complaint: channon says she used to be friends with malkia and allowed her and her children to move into her home, now she’s suing her ex-friend for a storage bill and damaged property.
what does she want: $1610
how it went down: okay so channon’s face fully lights up when the judge comes into the room (I GET IT) and she puts on a little sexy smirk and says, “it’s good to see you again” WHAT “i saw you five years ago and you called me ‘big mama the diva’ and everyone’s been calling me that ever since.” i’m like *hubba hubba eyes* “in bed…?” and channon answers me, saying “i was on your show!” okay, phew! greg says, “i might have called you a diva but the big mama part? that’s not my style!” he continues, “i might tell you i like full-figured women, but i don’t call them big mama!!” okay????? come on body positivity activist!!!!!!! (at this point greg starts to quote my comedy goddess mo’nique’s hilarious bit about fat bitches but, realizing he’s on daytime TV, wisely bites his tongue.)
channon says she’s known malkia aka “blunt queen” (STOP) for three years. she says they used to hang out and kick it, malkia would drink and smoke weed but channon says she wasn’t into that, and when malkia fell on hard times channon let her move into her house with her three “bebe’s kids.” WHAT YEAR IS THIS. mo’nique and bebe’s kids within the first two minutes??? am i twelve years old again??????? clearly they made this episode specifically for me.
channon says that after they moved in malkia and her children tore up her house and damaged her furniture and washing machine, but the final straw was when channon came home and discovered malkia in her bed with her son. i almost just knocked a glass off the table because i’m sorry WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY???????? greg does one of those kicked-in-the-stomach-while-sucking-on-a-straw inhalations and the entire courtroom goes quiet. in bed with her WHAT??????????? greg is like “how old is your son, ma’am?” and he’s 23 (and also in court today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but who the fuck cares, channon says her kids call malkia “auntie!” i’m no prude and i understand you gotta get love wherever you can find it but goddamn!!! malkia bends seductively over the mic and says in a deep, whispery voice, “he’s a grown man, sir” and i’m sorry but i laughed.
malkia says “yeah i lived with her, but the only reason we’re here is because of him” as she points at the young man with channon. channon yells, “she’s sprung on the similac! she’s sprung on the similac!” yes that is fucking hilarious and i don’t have any children but i literally cannot imagine joking about my son’s dick on national TV??? okay, maybe if he had a weird dick and wasn’t traumatized by it and we’d talked about it beforehand wait a minute what the fuck am i doing i would not even want to know my son had a dick let alone what grown lady was sprung on it!!!!!!! (also “sprung,” i mean…………………..we truly are in 1992 omg!)
malkia says “age ain’t nothing but a number” and yeah i get it i guess, i want to have a disgusting threesome down at the assisted living facility with jeff bridges and tommy lee jones, but that feels like a wild thing to say to the friend whose kid you fucked. malkia tells channon to “let him go” and channon responds “you shouldn’t have fucked him in my bed” and then malkia says “what’s the problem, i changed the comforter!” and i’m like a pig in shit, this is amazing. this is the energy i’m too afraid to move through life with, just doing whatever i want and responding “SO?” when confronted, even when i am wrong. let me send this clip to my therapist for the next time she asks me how i’d like to “reframe my thinking.” (i hate therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
channon says “bitch i should be suing you for a mattress” and you know what? i love both these ladies! greg asks malkia if she feels guilty about boning channon’s son and she says, “no, it was the heat of the moment” and lol okay then! channon says she came home early from work and caught them and they claimed to just be watching tv but “i know what sex smells like, boo.” what does sex smell like? does it smell like sweat and body odor?? or something grosser, like piss and the inside of butt cheeks???
malkia has been grinning like the cat that caught the canary this whole time, and greg asks her how old her kids are and she says “17, 15, and 13.” first of all, channon is a saint for inviting three extra teenagers into her home. give her the money based on that alone! anyway greg asks how malkia would feel if channon banged one of her children and she says “like crap,” and before the judge can teach whatever lesson he’s angling to get out channon yells “AT LEAST THEY WOULDA BEEN WITH A DIVA.” lmao big mama!!!!!!!!!!!!!
channon says that malkia got evicted and she and her family helped malkia by opening a storage unit for her to put her things in. the unit was $100 a month to maintain, and malkia agreed to keep up the payments but channon says she never did. the judge asks if malkia had an income and channon says she did but lost her job due to smoking weed. greg is like “how do you know?” and channon says “because i gave her the tissues to dry her tears!” and someone please get this woman her own show posthaste!!! channon says she offered her house to malkia free of charge; all she had to do was pay the monthly rental fee (channon took care of the first month) and help buy food, and she could stay there as long as she needed to save money for a new place. i’m sure there is an insane catch because isn’t there always, but this is unbelievably generous.
channon says she put malkia out after she caught her with her son and that malkia snuck to the storage space in the night to collect her things while no one was there to make her pay for it, so channon got sent the final bill. greg asks about the furniture damage and channon says “look at these pictures, honey!” while explaining that malkia kids were fighting over a pack of oodles of noodles (“kids love oodles of noodles” — malkia) and fought so hard they punched holes in the wall and ripped the arm off her sofa. i thought she was exaggerating for comedic effect but greg does flip to a picture of a leather couch with the entire arm lying next to it on the floor. how the fuck did they do that????? channon says, to me obviously, “the big one was choking the little one on the couch and he kicked the whole side off.” OVER NOODS!!!!!!!! i take my carbohydrates seriously too but sheesh!
the ruling: malkia says “yeah they was fighting, but they fight all the time, that’s not my fault” and i’m sorry to break it to you ma’am but isn’t that the whole thing about parenting, that everything your kid does is on you? that’s 1 of the 349,762 (and counting) reasons i don’t have children, because not me doing time for something my bad ass offspring fucked up??? they’d be like “sam we’re sorry but you’re going to jail because sam junior did _____ and is underage” and i’d be like “yeah okay cool hang on a sec and upgrade my charge to murder because i’m about to go kill that little bitch.”
greg asks malkia why she didn’t pay for the storage space and she says “what am i supposed to pay with if i don’t have any money?” in a way that is so raw and flat that i burst out laughing and then was like “YEAH!!” it’s so rare for people to be this nakedly honest, like “of course i didn’t pay it i don’t have a fucking job.” the judge pounces, saying that when you don’t deny that there was an agreement to pay you are functionally admitting that you owe the money. since she also admitted that her children are violent and cause damage to property and did nothing to stop them his judgment is for the plaintiff.
in the hallway outside the courtroom after the verdict channon says that she and malkia are never making up and malkia says “good, i don’t want to” and channon’s son, who heretofore has been stone silent, looks malkia up and down and says, “it was worth it.” lmao i love it, what a dickhead!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “that’s your son sitting behind you? now i see why he’s smiling!”
*bangs gavel*