who's on judge mathis today? #232

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: derek from philadelphia, pennsylvania. my man is wearing black slacks, a black belt, a black dress shirt, and the busiest, most insane necktie i have ever seen in my life. i can’t describe the pattern because even when i look through the lowest section of my trifocal lenses it’s still too far away but here are the colors: fuchsia, purple, blue, green, yellow, marigold, and white. it looks like vines? with cartoon cats?? and maybe mini decks of cards????? i’m obsessed.

defendant: rinita from king of prussia, pennsylvania. how do you say that if you live there? i’m not even hating, i live in a place called kalama-fucking-zoo, i just want to know if the locals have a nickname or if they abbreviate it or what. (for the record, no one here says “kzoo” or “kazoo” in earnest!) the dull flames of perimenopause woke me up at 2am and i laid in bed reading this book and scaring myself shitless until the sun started to come up at 6 which felt like an appropriate hour to sneak to the kitchen and chase vitamins and a bunch of electrolyte powders with a frosty diet coke, so i might be delirious but i’m pretty sure rinita is the most beautiful woman on earth. she’s wearing a long beige dress vest? a vest duster?? a robe vest??? over a black bodysuit and a deep side part with her hair flipped to the other side of her head. she has an enormous chest/neck tattoo, long black and gold nails, filled-in brows (remind me to tell you about the time i attempted this), deep red lipstick, and twisty serpent earrings the size of a human hand. absolutely breathtaking!!!!!!!!!!

the complaint: derek says he got in touch with rinita to book some female entertainment for a party and claims the dancers arrived late, were the wrong entertainers, and were on their phones during the performance so now he’s suing for breach of contract.

what does he want: $375??? absolutely not, my good sir. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

how it went down: derek begins his case like he’s going in front of the parole board: “i am representing the great city of philadelphia, and even though donald trump says a lot of bad things come out of philly a lot of good things come out of philly.” why is he saying this????? it’s like he’s auditioning for an after school special or something. derek goes on to say that when he does public speaking at schools (i knew it) he often references judge mathis in his speeches because everybody knows him and he’s “a huge inspiration to young african-american men.” okay, so that’s why.

listen if i was on this show i would be tempted to propose literal marriage to greg mathis, but i am smart enough to know that i’d be wasting my time because it wouldn’t have any impact on his verdict. dude is trying to sway the judge and it’s extremely embarrassing to me!!!!!!!! derek says that he is “blessed to own an entertainment company” and i was fully prepared for him to say that he’s a DJ or he owns some kind of bar/club/speakeasy but what i was not at all prepared to hear was that this man is a MAGICIAN.

what a delight. i love magic tricks. literally cannot get enough of them. i’m as guileless as a child the minute someone tells me they’re going to do some magic in front of me, and i scream every single time. i’m not a scientist (officially) but black people loooooooove magic tricks, and one of the wholesome ways i like to waste this one wild and precious life i’ve been given is to watch videos of black people reacting to magic. my favorite is david blaine tricks and helps a couple of Gs, which i have watched one thousand actual times. i guess that explains the decks of cards on derek’s necktie.

derek says that in addition to the children’s parties that make up most of his business, a lot of men call him when they need entertainment because he is “very organized.” bro what! i cannot imagine if i was a grown man who was trying to put together a, umm, grown man party (????) that the first call i’d make when trying to source entertainment would be to a children’s magician??????? what’s he gonna do, get barney and baby bop to turn up at the function?????????? (important sidenote: i would very much like this to happen at a future birthday party, i would drain my savings for someone in a mascot costume to tootsie roll to the ying yang twins while i cried from joy, i know this sounds like a bit but it’s not it’s a lifelong dream!!!!!!!! my kingdom for something this magical to happen to me when i’m about to blow out the 87 candles on my next cake!)

derek says he’s very organized and good at collecting money and he’s often hired to “put together bachelor parties.” again, i would love to conduct an informal interview with a single adult male tasked with throwing a bachelor party whose first thought was “hang on, let me call up that kid magician to handle the titties part of the evening” but i digress. derek says he called up rinita (a fine, upstanding businesswoman) at first to hire “a little person entertainer” because he’s a comedian and greg immediately starts banging his gavel, screaming “STOP IT STOP IT” because that’s right we don’t play that up in here? greg mathis is president of the miss juicy fanclub, okay??????

derek says that instead of hiring a little person he told rinita he wanted to hire three entertainers (i’m assuming dancers? although dude won’t say it) for $500. i have never hired ~entertainment~ before but that feels too cheap to me. $170ish a person, less whatever rinita’s percentage is??? not enough, unless there’s a surcharge for every time some dude’s filthy, uncut fingernail grazes their delicate skin!!!! i would also accept this rate if the girlies only had to strip for a maximum of one hour. should i………………….go into the entertainment business???????????

derek says rinita wanted a $300 down payment, which was fine. he called her and paid on a monday, she sent him pictures of the girls, then the party was scheduled for that friday. rinita says the problem here is that derek is a comedian ie a fucking clown (me: *clown shoes squeaking*) and that he’s looking for people who are playing games. she says her girls are entertainers and mothers and a lot of them are entrepreneurs. she says she used to dance in the clubs until four years ago when she decided to go into business for herself, and she has a roster of women that include actresses, rappers, authors, college graduates, and even a woman who owns a boutique. greg, clearly impressed, says one of his favorite things to watch is “beyond the pole on weTV,” a show i have not heard of before today, a show whose 17 available episodes i will be watching as soon as i finish this recap. derek stifles a laugh when greg mentions the show and greg viciously turns on him, saying “elitist people look down on strippers…until they want them to dance” and once again i am renouncing feminism to worship my populist king.

greg goes on a rant about how beyond the pole shows “a different side of exotic dancers” and then rinita says it has always been important to her to tell the women who work for her that they’re smart and that all money ain’t good money. rinita says derek paid for three girls and that they were supposed to arrive at 10:15 (AT NIGHT???????) but arrived closer to 10:30. derek tries to interject that that isn’t true, they were extremely late and he’s mad about it, but rinita has text proof from her manager (??) that it is. she says her girls were there and they did the jobs that were asked of them and they left with a hundred dollars to split between the three of them. excuse me??????

derek says he was told he had to pay the women the $200 remaining balance up arrival and rinita jumps in like “yeah, that was the booking fee” and greg the #1 viewer of weTV strip club shows is like “HANG ON, YOU DIDN’T TIP???” and derek is fumbling around with some printed out instagram photos™ showing a woman in a rhinestoned leotard (?) with her face blurred out looking at her phone and another one in which he says there are “hundreds of dollars on the floor” and rinita yells out “they’re all ones!” and i’m sorry but she’s right, i’m wearing my good computer glasses and this is indeed a woman standing in the middle of a handful of singles.

okay we’re going back to the beginning. derek says the entertainers arrived at 10:45 and it was no problem, which is funny because two minutes ago it was a huge issue. he says that one of the women walked up to him and said “i need your balance” and he gave her the $200 he owed rinita. derek says the women who showed up were not the ones he’d picked from her website and rinita yells, “people change their hair color sometimes!” and idk why that made me screamlaugh but it did. maybe because dude has the printed out pictures of the women he’d chosen and expects greg to compare and contrast them???? i am inconsolable.

derek says he “talked to their handler” and was told they’d be there from 11pm-1am (omg) and he said that was cool. he says he didn’t have any discussion with the women because, and brace yourself here, he doesn’t “talk to the help.” i’m sorry but what the fuck did you just say??? THE HELP!? the judge is apoplectic. first of all, get bent. second, i know a professional rodeo clown, or whatever you call a dude with a cartoon tie who works kindergarten birthday parties for a living, isn’t on here referring to real human beings as “the help?” disgusting. derek says “next thing you know, they were gone in 20 minutes” and good for them. if dude is on here, on nationally syndicated afternoon programming, referring to those ladies as “the help” imagine what he must’ve said to/near them irl!!!!!!!!!!!!

derek says at one point in the evening he heard the woman in the sparkly indoor bathing suit make a call and tell someone she’d see them soon and he thought surely she couldn’t be talking about later that night because they’d just gotten there? ummm sir you’re mad that she wasn’t there when you wanted her to be and she isn’t who you thought she would be and she sent a text when you didn’t want her to and now you’re mad she’s making other plans for after she’s done at your thing??? what does he think that $166.666666666666 she’s making tonight entitles you to??????? greg is like “you heard her make a call?” and derek says he did and greg counters “well in this picture she’s sending a text” and whatever he paid for law school? worth it!

derek makes the incredible analogy that “if you request elmo, spongebob, and dora the explorer for your party, i’m not gonna show up with the mighty morphin power rangers” and it sounds like i should celebrate my next birthday in philadelphia, right? (also i hate to be such a sicko, BUT: i just spend five real minutes scrolling the green ranger’s instagram and sorry but he’s still hot!) derek says, as a professional party promoter himself, that it really bothered him that no one called ahead to let him know they’d be late and that the dancers he’d ordered were unavailable. his tenth page of evidence (yes they are all numbered, this dude really is organized!!!!!!) is a printed out text sheet™ that he sent to rinita saying that the women arrived at 11 and left at 11:30.

rinita says that she didn’t get his text immediately because she was in costa rica (what a fucking f l e x) but her girls know that if they feel disrespected or mistreated or in any kind of danger that they should leave the situation they’re in and go home. rinita says a couple of the women were propositioned by several men and that was scary to them so they bounced. she also says that the women were uncomfortable because there were so many pictures and videos being taken. derek tries to contest that but sir you’ve already shown us 137 photos of that night so far????? rinita says “they’re doing more taping than they’re doing tipping” and did al sharpton write that for her??? that’s good!!

the ruling: greg asks rinita to list the complaints her employees (independent contractors??) and they are as follows:
-propositions for sex
-attempted payment in bitcoin
-suggesting that they leave with one of the men
-one man who had a twenty dollar bill made change from the singles that were on the floor before he gave the money to a dancer WOW LOL JAIL

rinita says that the bottom line is that the women felt disrespected and demeaned and can i just say how refreshing it is to hear someone say “hey, you feel demeaned? walk out!” to someone on the job? amazing, truly. rinita says that derek brought the women to that party to be the butt of cruel jokes and derek denies it but man we all remember a few paragraphs ago when you said you wanted a little person for comedy so nice try!!!!!!!!!

judge mathis says that in order for him to fully rule in derek’s favor he would have to take his word for everything since he doesn’t have real proof other than rinita’s acknowledgment that the ladies were indeed running a little bit late (what kind of herb is feverishly checking his watch at a bachelor party??? get funnier friends) so he gives him $50 for his trouble, which maybe he can wave his magic wand and turn it into $375.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “sir, men call you for parties? why, are you a dancer???”

*bangs gavel*