who's on judge mathis today? #233
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: nica from tampa, florida. nica is wearing a clingy black dress adorned with either feathers or knives, it’s hard to tell? i paused the video three times and i’m wearing my expensive computer glasses and everything but this show is not in high definition so we’re all just gonna have to use our imaginations here. nica is also sporting a fair amount of cleavage in the courtroom on this day and let me just state for the record that i am pro “trying to win with my titties out.” you gotta do what you gotta do, babe! i recently got a tattoo of an overflowing toilet on mine, but i’m not sure what that would get me in a court of law other than THROWN THE FUCK OUT.
defendant: robert from tampa, florida. well well well, here comes some kryptonite. you know i can’t resist a hefty slab of kobe beef, especially not when it’s wearing a black velvet sportcoat and a shimmering gold tie!!!!! men wearing a copious amount of jewelry is against my religion (i’ll wait here while you figure out which part of the bible that’s in) but for him i’d gladly make an exception.
the complaint: nica says she married robert even though they had intimacy issues and she eventually caught him cheating with a stripper, now she’s suing him for breach of contract.
what does she want: $1190
how it went down: truly sorry that it’s been a minute, BUT: i had a lot of work to do plus lindy came to visit and i had to turn off my laptop and show her the three things there are to do in this town, which unfortunately for you did not include watching me watch TV. nica begins by saying “this is my ex-husband robert and, i’m trying to think of a nice way to say this, before we got married the sex was garbage.” girl, i almost spit bile all over my fucking computer!! that is the nice way?????? how in the fuck does it sound when she’s being mean????????????
she goes on to say that after they got married it was “still garbage” but she “put up with it because he’s a nice person.” yo, i fucking hate this. everything i’m about to say is because i am DEFINITELY BAD AT SEX but also that’s subjective! and what if he is just regular at sex but she wants special shit he can’t do!!! for example, what if she enjoys being twisted up like a pretzel while he performs handstand anilingus (picture it, terrifying) and he doesn’t have the core strength to complete such an act: does that make him “garbage” or is she just asking for an act he physically cannot complete? not me defending a human male, BUT: if dude is the king of missionary but simply cannot perform whatever acrobatics she is requesting in the bedroom does that make him garbage or should she just go fuck a cirque du soleil alternate and shut up???
nica says the final straw was her catching robert cheating on her with a stripper, which pissed her off because you’re not allowed to be bad both in and out of bed. okay agreed but i really wish we could cut away to a demonstration of what my guy fucks like (i’m sorry!!!!!!!!) so america knows exactly what we are dealing with here! greg asks nica how she caught robert and she says that a few months into the marriage she came home from work and she and robert started talking about their respective days and were eventually interrupted by a knock at the door. robert ran to answer it and returned looking sheepish, and nica says that apparently the woman he’d been banging had run out the back door when nica got home and gotten in robert’s car to wait for him to drive her home but she got tired of waiting and knocked on the door to tell him to hurry up. damn, that’s hilarious and terrible!
robert says that nica is correct, when they were together the sex was bad, but that’s only because nica was always nagging and nagging and nagging him. so he said to himself “maybe it’s me” and he went to the doctor to get his plumbing checked out. robert asked the doctor “hey, what’s going on, dawg?” (please!) and the doctor told him, “man, you know what i’m saying you straight, you gucci” (PLEASE!!!!!!!!) “i mean hey, it’s on her.” is that an official diagnosis??? i’m screeching!
a fun lil detour: i am embarrassed by absolutely everything, but one thing that is *particularly* embarrassing to me is when my automatic refills don’t go through at the pharmacy and i get the all caps email scream-denying a request i didn’t even know had been made on my behalf and am forced to log on to the ~medical portal~ or whatever my doctor’s office calls the wonky, geocities-ass website to which i submit pictures of my various rashes for internet examination and beg my pharmaceutical daddy to authorize my stupid little pills. i would cut off my least necessary finger to hear my sweet, bowtie-wearing doctor say “man, you need a 90-count bottle of 15mg cyclobenzaprine? YOU STRAIGHT, YOU GUCCI, ENJOY YOUR PAIN RELIEF, DAWG.”
robert continues, saying “at the end of the day, her character turns me off.” see now this is what i mean about specificity! no boner is not the same thing as sex garbage!!! robert says “when i’m with other women? i kick my game like the champ i am! real talk!!!!!” and i need you to know that the scream that erupted from the pit of my belly shattered every window in my house. am i………………………….deeply in love with this man??????????
the judge asks nica how soon after this incident the two of them filed for divorce and she says “a few months,” but adds that first she left the house for a few days, kind of a trial separation? but then she went to a party and got wasted and “the drinks told [her] to give him another shot.” so she called robert and told him she wanted to try to have sex with him again but this time he had to use condoms because she didn’t know where his dick had been. listen, age and perimenopause and the hefty dose of beta blockers coursing through my bloodstream at all times have effectively murdered my libido, but despite all that i still consider myself an “emotionally horny” person and even if i scratch at the grossest, most disgusting sex parts of my brain i cannot imagine why homegirl would go back to a trash dick if she’d already started to move on with her life??????? HOW SMALL IS TAMPA.
this is the problem with talking shit about somebody, because it doesn’t look great when you gotta admit that you went crawling through the landfill to fuck them again! at the very least call it “recycling sex” so you don’t look like an asshole when you climb back on that single-use plastic pony. or maybe save the slander for somebody you actually never called back!!!!! anyway nica went back to robert (this sounds like a booty call situation but either it’s unclear or my brain is so fried i missed it) and before the sex commenced she told him to get a condom and she thought he was grabbing one from the bathroom but he actually went outside and got a pack from his car (!!!!!!!!) and when he came back he had a 3-pack of rubbers, 1 of which was missing and that made her mad. maybe she shouldn’t…………..why would she want to………………….what difference does it make if………………………………..*sigh*
that incident led nica to immediately move out permanently and file for divorce. nica says that they bought the house they lived in and she stayed in it for three months, and when the divorce was finalized the decree stated that robert needed to pay her $1250 for the work she put into the house before they split. nica says she has been paid $60 of that money.
robert says that nica only knows about one of the three women he cheated on her with, and for that he is very sorry lmao. he says that nica did her fair share of cheating as well, and several men not only called and texted her but some even sent handwritten love letters to the house declaring their love and asking for pictures of her in her bra and panties. first of all that is romantic (please let me know if you need my address to send me a love letter, tysm!) and second of all unless this case is being broadcast from 1987 i do believe those requests probably came from a prison.
the ruling: robert says he shouldn’t have married nica in the first place, since neither of them could find the time to stop cheating on each other. robert says that on one occasion of nica’s infidelity he “caught the chump in the house” (i love him) and instead of fighting the two of them sat down and talked it out like men. oh to have been a fly on the wall during that conversation.
robert says he doesn’t owe nica any money because he doesn’t remember signing anything, and he says that even if he did sign something at that point in time he would’ve promised the court anything just to “get rid of her.” nica has some papers from the divorce court judge and as greg tries to read them over (boy does he love flipping through another court’s rulings!!!!!!!!!!!!) robert says that he does remember going to mediation but he thinks mediation was bullshit because the mediators were all women who, naturally, were all taking nica’s side. “it had all women in there, dawg! they were all jumping on me, they hollering about ‘aw, you need to pay that girl! why you doing that girl like that?’ i’m in there fighting for my life!!!!!! real talk!”
greg is crying laughing and robert’s like “as soon as i walked in there they all turned and looked at me like ‘is that him?’ and they jumped on me” and wow where can i sign up for misandry mediation next time i get in a fight with a man??? greg looks over the judgment and says “when you went before the magistrate, hold up…was this a woman, too?” and indeed it was, judge mary lou [last name redacted], who ruled against robert on the recommendation of the female mediators, and whose judgment judge greg mathis shall not overrule. male judgment for the plaintiff, and for feminism apparently!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “y’all shouldn’t have gotten married and i am so glad you got divorced!!!!!!!”
*bangs gavel*