who's on judge mathis today? #236
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: shawn from shreveport, louisiana. let me say something right off the rip: this person is not young, and i am shocked. have you ever met an old “shawn” before? i haven’t! i mean, maybe i’ve come across a “sean” or two but definitely not a “shawn.” this is amazing! the sole reason i am currently trying to keep myself alive is so that i can live long enough to see people with young-sounding names get old. i simply cannot wait to encounter my first tayvion in the old folks’ home! anyway, shawn’s old ass is wearing an oversized dark grey suit, a pale grey dress shirt, and an even-paler grey silk tie and matching pocket square, and a big brown rectangular pair of inch-thick spectacles that i am going to search for on ebay posthaste.
defendant: stephanie from bethany, louisiana. stephanie is wearing a skin tight belted lavender linen suit with giant white buttons and a demure set of pearls, and i will let this youtube comment from a person named Mz. Fancy tell you everything you need to know about stephanie’s shimmering bronze hair: “completely off topic: the trick to making a synthetic wig look more natural is to add dry shampoo or baby powder to dull the shiny look.” WHO KNEW???
the complaint: shawn says stephanie became a stripper after they began dating, and then he became her manager. he says after they broke up, though, she threw a brick through his window and now he’s suing her for an unpaid loan. (but not the brick damage?????????)
what does he want: $1820
how it went down: shawn says “your honor, i met stephanie back in the 90s” and i shouted “the 1890s?????” and laughed like i wasn’t a legal goddamn adult in 19fucking98. how soon we forget our tape decks and rotary phones, i guess! shawn says “we were fast friends and we started to date, and she even told me she used to be a stripper!!!!!!!!” (exclamation points his!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he must love titties!!!!) shawn says stephanie told him she was thinking about getting back into the stripping business and needed a manager, and he volunteered to “take the job on.” greg is like “what were your responsibilities?” and i’m wondering what are any manager’s responsibilities??? every now and again i’ll get a cold call from someone who knows a person who hates me (otherwise why would they give out my precious, un-managed information???) offering their very expensive management services and they never say what it is they actually do. unless i learn to DJ or pivot to magic tricks what am i gonna do, pay you to watch me watch TV????? my cat-manager carrots already does that for free!!
shawn says he was supposed to set up the shows, make sure the ladies got their down payments, and ensure that no one stole their tips. now that’s a job. shawn says it worked well for a while until stephanie started “moonlighting” on him. greg says “she was a free agent?” and shawn says that when he would go home for the night stephanie would take other jobs, but what is the problem if the the duties he just said he was paid to perform (the setting up, the payment collecting, the tip jar guarding) weren’t necessary????? “when was your curfew?” greg asks and shawn says he liked to be home by midnight, and greg says “okay, cinderella!”
shawn says that he and stephanie remained friends after that and one night he gave her a ride in his brother’s car and the next day he reported that a bunch of money was “missing out the back.” shawn says that at that time in her life stephanie bragged that she was “forgin’ checks and tootin’ powder” (PLEASE) but he didn’t believe her because she was just trying to act “tough.” listen to me: if someone admits something like this to you? believe them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shawn clarifies that stephanie didn’t steal money from his brother’s car, she went into his glove box and stole withdrawal slips for his bank account. do you…………………….young people know what any of those words mean??? greg starts off a lecture with “she wouldn’t have to steal if you were a better manager” but i missed the rest because i am dead.
shawn says “after that we broke off for a while” (sir!) and she got back in touch two or three months later, and when she found out he was dating somebody else he came home one night to find a brick thrown through his bedroom window. the neighbors who didn’t call the police or do anything to stop the crime as it was happening gave shawn a full description of the bandanna-clad women who’d busted his window, and shawn said to himself “that sounds like stephanie!” i wish i had the vocabulary to describe the nonchalance with which he is telling this story. it’s like someone woke him up from a years-long coma and said “hey tell me about that brick shit” because my dude sounds like he could fall asleep at any second! he looks like the kind of guy for whom a jealous quarrel might provide a little excitement in his otherwise dreary life, and he’s telling this story like the judge asked him what he just got at the store!!!!!!!!!!
shawn says he “tracked her all the way down to the projects” (stephanie is crying laughing at this) and asked people if they knew what street gang she was in and where he could find her. greg is like “she’s in a gang???” and so am i because the only gang she looks like she’s in is the usher board down at emanuel ame church!!!!! stephanie says she’s not a gang member, she’s an upstanding mother with three children in college and that shawn is a snake. she says he’s the worst manager she ever had because he often left her stranded and on several occasions she got robbed and all she wants is to be rid of him!!!
“did you brick his window?” the judge asks, and stephanie coyly responds “i might’ve” and everybody in the courtroom loses their collective shit. shawn says two novembers ago he loaned stephanie and “chuck” (her witness, who is in court wearing a neon coral shirt and a frown) $1820 to get a truck. she was supposed to pay the money back within two years. greg is astonished at his generosity, and stephanie says that money was given to her as a gift. she says she and shawn were the kind of friends who swapped money back and forth like it was nothing and they never considered any of these exchanges as a loan.
“chuck” gets up and introduces himself as “charles” while the chyron below his torso introduces him as “stephanie’s boyfriend.” he says that he’s a plumber who works hard, and he’s currently working in the housing development where shawn lives with his mother and he saw him several weeks ago and shawn didn’t mention anything about the two of them owing him money. shawn says that the last time he asked chuck about the money, a year ago, chuck said that money was for stephanie and he should go ask her for it. the judge says “did you see [chuck] a few weeks ago?” and shawn says yeah but all he asked him for at the time was a six pack of beer. (so………………at $5.79 for a six pack of domestic only 314 six packs to go!!!!!!!!!)
the ruling: greg says to shawn “you don’t have any text messages or anything to prove your case?” and i’m sorry your honor but this is a man who carries a damn flip phone if i’ve ever seen one. this man does not have an email!!!!!!! shawn says he doesn’t (i mean????????) and greg replies “that sounds odd, sir” and UH OH. when greg starts using words like “odd” and calling gentlemen “sir” it rarely bodes well for them. shawn says when stephanie was to start paying him back she told him she was waiting for her disability, and stephanie interjects “i’ve been on disability for the last eight years” and now i’m nervous because i spent most of my childhood in section 8 housing and i feel like they should not be saying this stuff on TV??????? you don’t know what your caseworker might be doing to entertain herself during the day!!!!! imagine the disability lady knocking on her door tomorrow like “you’re well enough to go on the esteemed judge mathis television program? you’re well enough to take your ass to work” and i don’t want that for her! protect your grift, mama!!
shawn is fidgeting with a piece of ripped-out notebook paper and greg is like “gimme that! what is it!” and shawn says “it’s a promissory note” and greg lights up, telling stephanie “you might actually be in trouble ma’am!” and alright alright here we finally go!!!!!!!! stephanie’s completely unbothered on the other side of the courtroom, saying “that’s a forgery” (she should know) “and i have proof that he went to jail for tax fraud.” greg asks shawn if that’s true and shawn says no, he was convicted of “conspiracy.” greg has had enough of this shit and screams “CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT TAX FRAUD????” and shawn shrugs like “yeah.” i’m sorry but i am obsessed with this dude and his lackadaisical attitude! my kingdom to be this chill in the face of a federal fucking crime!!!!!!!!!!
shawn gives greg the promissory note and greg asks stephanie for a copy of her drivers license and even i can see that the signatures don’t match??? shawn is a terrible forger! greg says “good thing this is not a criminal court, because if it was you would be convicted again!” not even one letter of the signature looks the same and this case is dismissed, judgment for no one, hope cinderella gets safely to the crib before her carriage turns back into a pumpkin!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “so she told you she was a thief, an exotic dancer, a brick thrower, and a gang banger. so what part of that attracted you?”
shawn: “probably all of it!”
*bangs gavel*