who's on judge mathis today? #237

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: laura from fishers, indiana. laura comes striding into the room like she’s a 90s supermodel and that tiny stretch of floor between the courtroom door and the podium is her catwalk wearing a tight royal blue turtleneck under a black blazer with a pendant the size of a dessert plate hanging from, like, six strands of shiny beads around her neck? the glamour! she looks like sharon stone if sharon stone sold hand cream on QVC, and if you know me you know that is a goddamn compliment.

defendant: kenneth from carmel, indiana. kenneth has deep chocolate skin and a gleaming bald head and is dressed like a sexy waiter: black dress shirt, black pants, tight and shiny black vest, and a silver tie. that’s right, his tie is silver!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell olive garden to try and top that.

the complaint: laura says she met kenneth online and they had a whirlwind romance, but it only lasted a few weeks because he kept asking her for money and now she’s suing him for unpaid loans.

what does she want: $2070

how it went down: laura says she met kenneth on match dot com and is this the first time a litigant hasn’t said something like “online meeting place” rather than give us the name of the website they trick off on???????? i think it is!!! laura says “it was a fast and furious romance” that progressed very quickly and i’m sorry but unless dwayne THEE rock is involved??? no, it was not. laura says the first time she met kenneth he gave her a penny with a heart cut out of it (she has said penny in court with her today) and told her that he wanted to give it to the person “who would fill the hole in his heart.” you know what, i gotta stop calling myself dumb, because even i would not fall for this tired-ass okey doke. GIRL YOU COULDN’T SEE HE WAS RUNNING GAME ON YOU?????? i would’ve taken that penny and dropped it on his head from the top of a tall building.

laura also brandishes a silver cross kenneth gave her as “a symbol of his deep christian faith” and i apologize but wouldn’t you have just gotten up and left the meal at that point? we haven’t even gotten the bread basket yet and you’re giving me religious totems?????? sir, i’m just trying to flag the waitress down so i can put in an order for some fried pickles and a presidente margarita! the judge is like “you still seem impressed” (real skeptical and judgy-like) and she kinda does, which is bumming me OUT. i’m trying to imagine showing up to a date with an average human male and start dumping a bunch of tchotchkes and toys and shit on the table like “this lego heart means i love you and this piece of wood is from the altar to forest whitaker i worship in my backyard.” i would be murdered on the spot!! deservedly!!!!!!!

laura says she’s not impressed anymore, but when she met him he was good-looking and very charming and once again i would like to remind everybody that dating attractive people is a huge mistake. they all behave very badly and also fuck with your brain and common sense, steer clear!! laura says their relationship was “romantic and got sexual very quickly” and oh yeah there it is, i was waiting for her to admit that she got dickmatized out of two grand!!!!!!! laura says that kenneth took her to meet his mother within the first week of making her acquaintance (red flag!) and they hung out every single day after their first date (another red flag!!) and that kenneth started spending multiple nights at her place almost immediately (every red flag at the red flag store!!!!!!!). greg asks “how long were you together?” and i’m not sure what i wanted laura to say but i certainly wasn’t expecting “three weeks.”

THREE WEEKS??? come on, now. you shouldn’t show somebody your real house three weeks after meeting them, let alone give them thousands of dollars while pretending to enjoy the taste of their momma’s greens as your thighbacks stick to her plastic-covered couch?????? they shouldn’t even know your last name!!!!!!! greg asks why they broke up and laura says “because he started asking for money too much” and i would counter that she should’ve dumped him after “he started asking for money at all” but maybe i’m too fucking mean. the first week they met, kenneth told laura that he dropped his wallet and there was cash in it that he was going to use to pay his phone bill, and she told him she’d put it on her credit card as long as he promised to pay her back. a week after that he called her (using the phone she paid for, i assume) and told her he was “behind on some bills” and needed her to help him out and good thing she’s not me because i would’ve helped him right on out of my life.

kenneth says “hi your honor, my name is kenneth and this isn’t about money, this story is about sex and bacon grease.” *screams* kenneth says on their first date laura “pulled a chicken bone out of her purse” MAN WHAT “and it was a wishbone and she said we should make a wish on our first date.” first of all, do chickens have wishbones? i think i might actually die listening to this. also, i know i’ve been out of the game for a minute but surely this is not what grown ass adults are doing on dates these days??? these people are easily 37 to 53 years old, am i supposed to actually believe they both showed up at outback steakhouse bearing all this little trinkety bullshit????

APPARENTLY SO. greg sees what kenneth is trying to do and stops him in his tracks. “did you give her the heart?” he asks hatefully, and when kenneth admits that he did everyone in the courtroom lets out a silent “mm hmm.” don’t try to shade her, player! kenneth says laura was obsessed with him and knew that he wasn’t really interested in a relationship because he’d recently ended an engagement and told her he was emotionally unavailable. the judge, like a cat with a ball of string or my favorite pair of glasses, is not going to let that penny shit go. “then why did you tell her you needed the hole in your heart filled?” he asks maliciously, and kenneth tries to pivot to something else but greg stays on his ass. “you were dating her, weren’t you?” he asks and kenneth is like *white lady in that math meme* and greg yells “weren’t you dating?????” then kenneth says “i have never had sex with that woman” and greg’s like “HUH??????? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT SEX?”

kenneth then switches to the “bacon grease” portion of this one man play he’s putting on (greg is in a boiling rage at this point) and he says that laura was supposed to be giving him a massage and she used bacon grease to do it and that pissed him off. siiiiiiigh. it is never my aim to stereotype or profile anyone so apologies in advance, BUT: this is ABSOLUTELY NOT a woman who has a grimy old crisco can full of congealed pig fat sitting atop her stove. i refuse to believe it. this is a woman who eats wild-caught roasted salmon with organic local berries for lunch, this is not a lady who has ever even attempted to make a homemade BLT. i cannot stress to you enough how “bushels of red leaf from the farmers market” this woman looks!!!!!!!!!!

kenneth again says that laura tried to “give him a freaky massage using bacon grease” and i wonder: does he think this line is funny? we all know some idiot (don’t say me) who decides a punchline to a joke you never asked for is the funniest thing he could ever say and just says it all the time…………….is that what my guy is doing? okay, let’s humor him and pretend this actually occurred: what the fuck was he doing while laura went to get the grease, when she returned with the grease, while she opened the grease container, as she warmed the grease up in her hands before spreading that grease across his back? surely he wasn’t just gonna……..lie there docile while she prepared to spit roast him??? why are we even listening to this!

he starts telling some different stupid ass story about how laura took him to comicon or something where they had to get dressed up and i’m sorry but does kenneth think his defense of “she’s into cosplay and meat massage” is going to help his case here? if anything it makes her look cooler!!!!!!!! greg cuts him off (thank you god on a tiny silver cross) and is basically like “fuck all that, tell me about this money you borrowed within a week of meeting her” and kenneth says “she knew my situation and she offered to help” and obviously this has triggered some misandrist bone in the nastiest part of my body but dude she “knew” because you “told her” and it’s awkward to tell a man to go fuck himself if you’re really looking forward to fucking him yourself. “wow i can get some good dick and all it’ll cost me is $200 at boost mobile?” i mean i get it!!!!!!

“you dry begged her” judge mathis says with contempt and kenneth is like “i didn’t dry beg her, she wanted me to open up and tell her about myself” and okay hats off to this gentleman he is clearly doing a bit. (he isn’t but pretending he is makes this easier to stomach!) imagine you’re staring over the basket of cheddar bay biscuits deep into the eyes of your hot and sexy first date and you sexily ask him to tell you something deep and revealing and homeboy purses his lips before taking your hand gently in his and says “well babe…………….i’m two days away from running out of data on my phone.” hahahahaha bitch i’d jump in the lobster tank!!!!!!!!!!!!

greg looks at the phone bill laura gave him and asks kenneth when he agreed to pay her back and kenneth says “i didn’t agree to pay her back.” at least he’s being honest, i guess? laura says she has a promissory note in which kenneth does agree to pay her back, not only for that bill but for all the other money she’s suing for, and she hands the judge a typed and highlighted sheet of paper listing everything she’s paid for and riddle me this: why did kenneth even come here today?

the ruling: greg waves the paper around and says “SIR, YOU SIGNED THIS” and kenneth is all “ahh ooh umm ahh” and everyone in the courtroom laughs but he recovers and says “i signed it under distress.” greg’s like “what distress? you were trying to keep that hot grease offa you?” (lmaoo) and kenneth responds “when i signed it she manipulated me and told me i would have to perform sexual favors in addition to repaying the money and i got scared.” laura loses it at this point, screaming “you are a liar!” at him and then she turns back to the judge and says “he lied about his job, he lied about how much money he made, he lied about his living situation, and he’s done nothing but lie here today. that’s enough!”

kenneth says “why would i disclose my finances to a stranger?” and, um, didn’t you do exactly that when you told her you couldn’t pay for your phone, my guy? laura answers him with “why do i have clothes at your house???” and i need you to know that i’m not a total grinch, i do believe in love, but i do not believe in this. even at my stupidest and most desperate i wouldn’t dive head first into “leave some shit at his house” territory in the third week? i don’t make the rules but i do know that at that stage in the relationship you should still be sheepishly using his deodorant and turning the shirt you wore yesterday inside out the morning after you spend the night! (one day someone should ask jim about the time i came to work and he said “why do you smell like old spice at 7:30 in the fucking morning?” boy, did we have fun!)

greg asks kenneth where he slept when he spent the night at laura’s and he admits he slept in her bedroom despite the fully appointed guest room down the hall. “that’s because we were a couple!” she explodes and he continues to say that they were just friends. does kenneth think that friends don’t have to pay each other back or is there a lady at home watching this with a voodoo doll stuffed with his hair or something??? i truly cannot comprehend why he is hanging so steadfastly onto this obvious lie! laura says “well, we were a couple for a coupla weeks” and lmao she really does seem nice and i truly hope she has found someone worthy of her good jokes and disposable income!

the judge says “i’m gonna put an end to your making a fool of yourself” and starts going through the contract laura gave him. apparently she added some illegal interest to the amount kenneth owes her, and i don’t blame her for trying to loan shark his ass but miss girl you are not allowed to do that on tv! laura says that the day after dude signed the promissory note he asked her for even more money (sidebar: what does she do for a living???) to move into a new condo and that’s when she decided she was done with his ass. she points out that his claim of “distress” over signing the promissory note is bullshit if he felt comfortable enough to ask for money from her mere hours after the ink was dry, and greg and i wholeheartedly agree, judgment for the plaintiff. in the hall outside the courtroom laura rips open a garbage bag full of kenneth’s stuff and dramatically dumps it on the floor at his feet while he stands there slack-jawed. too bad, so sad, he’s hopeless!!!!!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “gimme that promissory note, but it better not have no bacon grease on it!”

*bangs gavel*