who's on judge mathis today? #238
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: kathy from rochester, new york. kathy is wearing a silky navy blazer over a white cowl neck blouse (i, too, enjoy a spicy-necked blouse but only if it’s of the “my titties might flop out at any time” variety, which kathy’s is not because she’s smart), and a long floral skirt. she is carrying an accordion of truth™ the size of a compact sedan, and i can’t wait to see what she’s got in there!!!
defendant: caleb from rochester, new york. caleb walks into the courtroom with a surprising amount of confident swagger considering he’s wearing a muted red v-neck dad sweater! he’s walking like his dick weighs 75 pounds and i’m into it, especially since he has sculpted sideburns and a chin-length soul patch (read that again, it literally runs the entire length of his chin).
the complaint: kathy says caleb is a subcontractor whom she began dating after she hired him (for a discount, i hope!!!!!!!!!) and now she’s suing him for unpaid services??????? what is that!
what does she want: $1800! caleb is countersuing (uh oh, it’s been a minute!) for $800!!!
how it went down: let’s say from the jump that i am extremely triggered. just seeing the word “contractor” made me break out in a cold sweat because we moved a couple months ago into a house that was still under construction to make it more accessible for your handi-capable girl and like WHO CARES but also: it was very stressful! the work was supposed to be done before we even moved!! the dog lost his tiny mind and had to get a prescription for sedatives!!! one of the dudes walked in on me without a shirt and while it was an extremely sexy experience for us both it was also incredibly awkward!!!!!!!!!
kathy says “well judge, i wanted to let you know i met caleb in march, he was a subcontractor, i’m a licensed real estate broker and i own some rental properties, and i should have known he was a player because he hit on me the first time we met.” that’s a good life lesson!! if someone hits on you within the first five minutes of making your acquaintance, especially in a professional setting, that person is probably a “player.” on the other hand, being hit on is very flattering and i would absolutely find a way to burn every red flag that popped up if this happened to me. if you ever need an excuse to fuck somebody terrible, call me and i’ll come up with a good one. it’s my super power!!!!!!
kathy says “sparks flew and we started dating,” and what i wouldn’t give to know what she actually means. i know why people talk like that but come on…………………….why do people fucking talk like that??? i would never say “sparks flew,” i’d say “i hadn’t felt the touch of a human male in over seven years and also he took me for tapas” or whatever the real reason was. WHAT DOES A FLYING SPARK LOOK LIKE. kathy says caleb’s only goal in life is “to conquer women and spread his seed” (omg) and that he’s addicted to “drugs, alcohol, viagra, and he’s a consummate liar.” wow o wow wowie wow!!! greg asks how she knows he’s addicted to viagra and kathy says when he was with her he “took it constantly.” i’m sorry but there has never been anything funnier than this??? also, it probably explains why my man walks like that.
kathy says when she and caleb started dating he told her he was married but legally separated and was raising his six kids on his own. it is both hilarious and insane to me that someone in his circumstance would be thinking about dating i.e. boning which is the #1 way to make more kids. how do you even get a long enough break from the assembly line of diaper changing to put a nice shirt on and go on a date??? is this dude actually clark kent??????
kathy, who should know better, says she “fell hard” for caleb and thought the feeling was mutual until he up and went to san diego to “visit his dying grandmother” and hooked up with a woman and got her pregnant (was this in the funeral home?? or what), which kathy found out on facebook. HELL YEAH BROTHER. we love facebook revelations around here!!!
kathy says she forgave him because caleb asked her to, then agreed to help him raise child number seven (oh……………….my god?) because he asked her to do that, too. is the secret to happiness just, you know, asking for something outrageous and seeing what you can get away with??? i gotta try that. okay so caleb’s courtroom strategy is to do the thing i absolutely could never: listen to a laundry list of embarrassing allegations against him and laugh in disbelief like it’s the most hilarious thing he’s ever heard. the thing i work the most on in therapy is how to draw a firm boundary and also say “no” instead of “well, okay, sure, no problem” (when am i gonna get cured?????? it’s been forever and yet every! single! day! brings yet another irritant i should have said “absolutely not” to), but i’m gonna add “laughing when shit isn’t funny to save face” to the list of skills i’d like my therapist to help me master. maybe it’ll give me something constructive to do while waiting the 37928104824237 weeks it takes to get a psychiatry referral. (i’m doomed!!!)
caleb says that he ended their three-and-a-half year on-and-off (that’s a lotta hyphens) relationship because kathy was “possessive, controlling, and obsessed.” esteemed feminist and president of the National Organization for Women gregory ellis mathis quickly retorts, “she couldn’t have been too controlling, she let you go to san diego! she let you have that child!” I MEAN??????? it’s always the dudes with 37 side chicks talking about “she tried to control me” like excuse me sir what did she tie you to her house with, silly string??? get outta here!
we take a little judge mathis-led detour down “exactly when did you break up” lane, because caleb says it was november and kathy is adamant that it was december and i’m not sure why it matters but i am shutting up and enjoying the ride. caleb says he told kathy to “stop bugging [him]” which is a very funny way to end a relationship (him: “stop bugging me!” her: *packs suitcase, gets in car, drives away forever*) but kathy says that two weeks after he said that they went to buffalo for the weekend and she bought all of his kids christmas presents because she caught him pawning his mother’s jewelry to get them a christmas tree and felt bad for him. i’m sorry, WHAT. getting dumped by a chap like this might be the textbook definition of dodging a bullet, why in the world would you hitch your wagon to this broken down, busted horse? cut your fucking losses!!!!!! i wonder if i can get kathy my therapist’s number.
kathy says she loaned caleb money in september (lmao that he was sick of being “bugged” two very convenient months later) because his car got repossessed and he needed help paying both his gas and electric bills, and she has a promissory note that caleb demands to see. greg looks at the note then has doyle deliver it to caleb, and while kathy is talking he groans and says “oh my god” pretty dramatically, for an adult man. caleb interjects and says “your honor, this document has been tampered with, that’s why i’m countersuing for $800, the amount i originally [owed].” caleb confirms that it’s his signature on the paper, but says kathy added a 1 and a comma after he signed it.
first of all, if she did? that’s genius. illegal, i’m sure, but hilarious which makes it okay (to me). greg is studying the paper, trying not to laugh, and then they put the camera on it and i am only an amateur handwriting expert, BUT: this bitch definitely added that shit on after he signed it BAHAHAHAHAHA. i’m amazed, but also the joke’s on me because now they are launching into a complicated discussion about loans and work that caleb believes he completed (something about installing a boiler, i am not bob vila i can’t be listening to all this) in exchange for the money she loaned him and that’s why he’s countersuing for $800 but as he’s explaining this flawed logic greg gets pissed because if he believed it was an exchange then caleb would have no reason to sue kathy in court today so his countersuit doesn’t have grounds because it’s just in retaliation to her lawsuit and i’m sorry but did i fall asleep and wake up in a fucking federal building?????? i’m not trying to learn penal codes, let’s get back to the entertainment!!!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: caleb hands the judge a bunch of printed out text sheets™ that are supposed to prove what? i’m not sure, but kathy has a sheaf of them as well so it doesn’t matter because we already know greg ain’t reading all that. caleb also has a little tape recorder (with an actual teeny tiny tape inside!) with voicemails that he says he brought along that will show the judge kathy’s real character.
the texts on kathy’s sheets show caleb telling kathy (whom he calls “kitten”) that he’s sorry he didn’t come over and install [that boiler from earlier] but he didn’t think it was an emergency. caleb’s text sheets tell a different story in which kathy thanks caleb for the boiler work but says she didn’t pay him because he was an “apprentice who was learning.” greg reads some more of the texts and determines (based on what…………….i’m not 100% sure) that whatever caleb did to that damn boiler (kathy says he “just looked at it,” caleb contends that he “worked on it”) qualifies as work and he believes kathy tried to defraud the court both with those out of con-texts and that hilariously shitty doctored contract. her case is dismissed, caleb’s is granted (quelle surprise!!), and the viagra industry just got $800 richer.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “at least he’s not a crackhead! he’s a viagrahead!”
*bangs gavel*