who's on judge mathis today? #239
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: sierra from moreno valley, california. wait, how old do you have to be to sue someone in america? i’m sorry but i refuse to believe that sierra is more than nine years old. she looks extremely young! i bet we have cheese in the refrigerator older than this girl!!!!! sierra is wearing a long-sleeved black sweater from kids r’ us and carrying an accordion of truth™ stuffed with what i can only assume are scribbled on pages ripped out of a coloring book.
defendant: richy from san bernardino, california. okay, hold up for real, is this a special kindergarten edition of this show??? lil richard is wearing a red shirt and black satin tie that his mommy got for him from the big boy section at target, and he must be hungry or need a diaper change because wow does he looked pissed enough to cry!!!!!!!!!!!
the complaint: sierra says says she dated richy for a long time and they have two sons together and now she’s suing him for the balance due on a truck.
what does she want: $500
how it went down: sierra says she’s known “this guy” for “15 or 16 years” and i simply do not believe that either of them has been alive that long. she says he was her first love and that they were together for seven years and have two boys together. sierra says things got “rocky and bad” then just, stops talking? and i’m sorry babe but this is a television show, you are going to have to tell the judge in embarrassing detail exactly what that means!!!!!!!! greg says “what do you attribute that to?” and sierra says they fought a lot and got physical and the cops were called. greg interrupts her with the universal finger gesture for “hurry up and get to the interesting part” then asks why she thought the violence started and sierra says “cheating, lying…” in this painfully hesitant way that makes me wonder why, if she wanted her privacy, she decided to bring this case on national television. surely there are less public means of shaking this dude down for five hundred bucks???
sierra says “i ended up putting hands on him, he called the cops and i went to jail” and nothing ever surprises me on this fucking show but i’m sorry this little lady went to jail for beating a dude up??????? i almost shattered my jaw on the floor! (plus, that explains all the secrecy!!) richy says he met sierra when he was eleven years old and “she was the most beautiful thing [he’s] ever seen in [his] life” and, on the verge of tears, says he fell in love with her then and is still in love with her now. hmm, an asshole would say “if you love her so goddamn much why not just give her the five hundred dollars?” but i am not an asshole (today) so i won’t say that.
richy says it’s hard to even be standing near sierra in court today because he knows when it’s over and he goes home that she won’t be going with him. judge messy says “you don’t think she’ll take you back?” and when richy tearfully says no because she deserves better greg asks “why? what’s wrong with you?” should this case maybe be……………….happening in a therapist’s office??? richy says he doesn’t know and greg asks him what he’s done that’s so unforgivable and richy says he “wasn’t there for sierra?” (he’s saying it like a question) because he “worked a lot?” (this is posed as a question, too!) okay, dude. i’d believe that he didn’t know how he’d fucked things up with the most beautiful woman in the world if she hadn’t literally just said he cheated on her and she went to jail for beating his ass????? quit playing!!
judge mathis isn’t buying this bullshit and reminds richy of sierra’s testimony from three minutes ago. you remember, the cheating and shit? greg asks if she caught richy cheating and sierra interjects “twice!” and then greg says to richy “the first thing to do if you want her back is to stop lying.” i’m in favor of a little lie, the kind of feasible lie that’s like “i can’t go to that with you because i have torrential diarrhea” when the real reason is “i can’t go to that with you because being around you makes me want to peel my skin off like an orange.” but even those lies are tricky! you gotta be careful!! it’s not worth the risk if you’re doing a big lie to someone you wanna get back with!!!
sierra says that one of her close friends came over in tears one night and told her that richy had showed up at her house a few nights before trying to bone, and the friend was disgusted that he thought she would betray sierra so she sent him home. but then he showed up the very next day trying that shit again and whoops she slipped and fell on his dick. funny how that happens!!!!!! richy scoffs and says of course he didn’t do that and he’s never even heard this story before but then the judge is like “wait, you’ve never heard this accusation ever in your life??” and he’s immediately like “well okay i heard it and did it” and doctor greg diagnoses him as “beyond help” (my second opinion: he’s correct) and says sierra does deserve better.
sierra says one night in january, richy was at her house to visit with their boys (this is after they’d split for good) and started complaining about how hard it was to come see them because he didn’t have reliable transportation and he offered her $500 for her truck (her……………..tonka truck?? man what) and she agreed but told him she’d need another $500 the next month (oh okay, now we’re approaching reality) to pay it off and he said fine but, alas, he never paid that second installment.
richy tells the judge “i make pretty good money, i didn’t even need that truck” and greg, pissed that richy fucked up his attempt at couple’s counseling earlier, says in a bitchy tone “well if you ‘make pretty good money’ why didn’t you pay her for the truck?!” richy says he didn’t pay off the truck because he had other bills to pay and come on man what difference does the size of your paycheck make if it’s all spent before you get it??? how are you in here bragging about your insurmountable debt???? greg is like “don’t come in here talking big if you’re broke!” and he clearly hates this dude now so he starts imitating that fake crying richy was doing in the beginning and let me tell you i would rather eat my own shit than stand in front of fifty snickering people while judge mathis imitates my pitiful crying voice to my face!!!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: richy, chastened, is staring down at the podium liked a kicked puppy and mannnnn i hope this is over soon. greg says “so what about the five hundred dollars?” and richy glumly says “she can have it, i guess.” WHAT? why did he make her sit on a plane for four hours if he was gonna give to her this easy? does he have a humiliation kink?? did richy just want to eat at lou malnati’s (they ship frozen pizzas across the country now, btw) and take a selfie in front of the bean??? you know how i feel about a man wasting a woman’s time (and carbon footprint)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
as a defense richy says “i give her money for clothes and toys” and i’m gonna stop him right here and remind him that that’s the shit everybody knows a kid needs before they have one (or even if they simply remember being one) so miss me with that, pal. maybe you don’t anticipate your child needing, oh i don’t know, expensive out of pocket heart surgery but a TOY????? my guy you definitely knew at the time both (both!!!!!) pregnancy tests came back positive that your child(ren) was gonna need some fucking SHIRTS. he starts bragging about how one time (one! time!) sierra asked him for $300 and he gave it to her and my head is about to explode because these teenagers in my house (who don’t even share my dna) go through that much in boba and pizza rolls in a week. get outta here!!!
WHY IS THIS CASE STILL HAPPENING JUST BANG THE GAVEL ALREADY, YOUR HONOR. greg interjects the “i paid a light bill once” soliloquy richy is currently performing to ask “how much do you pay in child support per month, big money?” and sierra says “nothing!” and greg snaps “this is why she left you, sir!” and starts imitating that pity party dude was throwing himself again. i mean, he’s using the same humiliating words and everything how has richy not curled up in a trembling ball on the floor???
it’s wild to see richy’s whiplash-inducing pivot from keening sadboy (“oh woe is me i love her so much”) to president of the he man women-haters club (“i’m not giving this greedy lady shit”) and while i am afraid i might actually cringe to death it is kind of cathartic to watch the judge mimic his histrionics. greg asks if richy can flip to the personality from earlier that loved sierra and wanted to pay her money back and when he says yes the judge hastily grabs all his papers and shit and says to sierra “judgment for the plaintiff, now let’s hurry up and get outta here before he switches back!”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you may have worked hard 80% of the time, but the other 20% you were working hard chasing women!”
*bangs gavel*