who's on judge mathis today? #240
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: jessica from marshfield, wisconsin. my statuesque queen! jessica is approximately 17 feet tall with a bun the size of a homegoods decorative pumpkin perched regally atop her head, and she’s wearing a royal blue shirt with a scalloped (??) hem and black pants, plus she’s wearing a pair of those black rectangular glasses that scream “i am thoughtful and smart.” one of the biggest mistakes i think i’ve made in my life is wearing unserious “fun” glasses, because when people meet me they’re like HI CLOWN and i’m like [surprised man blinking dot gif] and then i’m like “oh yeah, i have two electric teal satellite dishes on my fucking face” and that is very amusing but it also sucks, brb going to lenscrafters!!!!
defendant: jenifer from marshfield, wisconsin. okay the gorgeous gorgeous girls are bringing the jewel tones today, huh! jenifer is resplendent in a deep purple turtleneck tunic sweater, gold hoop earrings, and a one-sided power bang with a blonde streak running through it. her accordion of truth™ is by her side and packed full of secrets. (or……………..parking tickets? maybe grease-spotted takeout menus?? who the hell knows what people bring to court!)
the complaint: jessica claims jenifer had her ex-boyfriend falsely arrested and now jessica is suing her for emotional distress and a loan.
what does she want: $538 (girl! your emotions are too cheap!!!)
how it went down: jessica says she and jenifer have known each other for nine years and they got close because jenifer “had a young child and seemed to be a good person.” but jessica discovered that wasn’t entirely true, and says she figured out jenifer was a bad person and a liar eventually because her tell every time she lies is saying “you can give me a lie detector test” afterward making a false statement. BAHAHAHAHA i love jenifer, what a genius. all jokes aside: should personal lie detector tests be a thing? someone with an engineering degree reach out!!
jessica says jenifer is also a manipulator (jenifer tearfully yells “I AM NOT,” an obvious manipulation) and she discovered that when jenifer created a fake ultrasound (WHAT) and posted it online to trap her ex-boyfriend and then, when that didn’t work, she called the police and had him arrested on a false charge. excuse me please??? that’s what we’re doing????? dammit i would love to meet the man that inspired this level of demonic behavior! do you guys think he’s handsome?? he’s probably, like, really rich and generous, too, right??? big house, nice car, incredible at cunnilingus?????? yep, i bet he sure is!!
jessica is shuffling through her proof (some printed-out facebook timelines™ courtesy of her local kinkos, i think) and greg says “these are some inflammatory statements, ma’am, let me see the proof” as jenifer repeats “she’s lying! she’s lying!” on the other side of the room like a mantra. okay it’s a printed-out text sheet™ (my bad) and there’s what looks like an ultrasound in the texts but it’s hard to tell whether or not it’s real to my eyes (and also to the judge’s, who is squinting at the sonogram like he’s trying to figure out whether it’s an O or a Q on the bottom line of an eye chart).
jenifer says jessica is lying and jessica asks her if she was really pregnant and jenifer says yes, in fact she’s currently nine weeks along. jessica says jenifer had something “planted in her uterus” to prevent pregnancy (an IUD? the same scrap of bulletproof metal i had inserted in mine???) and that she faked being pregnant to trap “a man who don’t want her.” greg says “is he an athlete?” and jessica, mishearing him, says “is he ugly?” and i’m sorry but i choke-laughed. the judge repeats his question and jessica says “no, but he did just get out of jail.” greg says he’s heard of women trying to get pregnant “by athletes and entertainers” and i loooooove when he gets messy. name some!!!!!! anyway jessica says this dude is just a regular guy in jail and jenifer cuts in to say “just like your baby daddy” and jessica doesn’t have a response. people who live in barred houses shouldn't throw shivs, i guess!
jessica says “that’s right, but at least he was my child’s father before he went in there” and i’m sorry but i can’t tell if they are on television cooking each other over the same criminal or two different ones. why haven’t we established that yet??? whose unborn child’s manufactured ultrasound am i looking at?????????
okay now it’s jenifer’s turn and she says she and jessica used to be good friends until jessica showed her her true colors and she realized she was petty and vindictive, as she’s demonstrating in court today. she says jessica is mean-spirited and often hits below the belt, even once referring to jenifer’s six-year-old daughter as a “little bitch.” as doyle is handing the judge the photocopied proof of jessica’s mean spirit the judge asks jenifer “is the man you’re pregnant by the same one who fathered her child?” fucking finally!!!!!!!!! jenifer answers “it sure is” and jessica starts laughing in that way that you know means ain’t shit funny, that sarcastic, getting-ready-to-beat-your-ass kinda laugh. jessica says “yeah right” and hey, do you think they could wheel in a combination lie detector/dna 2-for-1 machine?
the ladies start arguing indecipherably with each other (although i did manage to make out “if you were pregnant why didn’t you tell me?” and jenifer’s response “we weren’t friends!!!!!”) and greg is behind the bench holding the gavel just watching them go at each other with his mouth agape. at one point jessica pauses her shouting and says to the judge “her kids were at my house and we were playing makeup and one of them threatened to tear up my house and i called her a little bitch but it just slipped out” and greg loses it laughing. goddamn that is definitely NOT FUNNY but also? it’s the funniest thing i’ve ever heard. imagine you’re six years old being sassy and putting on fancy chapstick and your play auntie is like “use a coaster, you little bitch!” terrible! but also hilarious!!
finally the judge bangs the gavel (boy do i love that beautiful sound) and they halt their arguing for two seconds before immediately starting up again. it’s almost impossible to gauge what is going on through all of the shouting but it sounds like jessica got a loan on jenifer’s behalf (?) for $300 to pay some bills and there’s $138 interest on that loan (okay i’m assuming it’s a payday loan situation?) that she needs her to pay back posthaste. greg asks “what’s the emotional distress for?” and as jessica starts to answer he says “THAT’S FOR ME” while shaking his head sadly. seriously, i love a healthy debate (i don’t, please don’t ever challenge me on anything, i’m perfectly happy being wrong and not knowing shit) but these two won’t take a break from yelling at each other!
jessica says the emotional distress is for all the times she’s had to ask for her money back. jenifer says jessica is suing her prematurely, that when she got the loan for her she knew that she didn’t have a job at the time and it was gonna take a minute for her to be able to pay her. jenifer says she literally just got a job and hasn’t had time to get the money to jessica yet and that jessica knew her circumstances and is unfairly punishing her with this lawsuit. you know what bums me out? it’s clear that these two were friends, good friends, friends who trusted each other with their children and money and washing machines (i left that out, trust me you don’t want to know), and now they can’t even stand in the same room without wanting to rip each other’s throats out, all because of a non-athlete man. it makes me so sad!!!!!!! somebody get gloria steinem on the phone to broker a peace treaty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: jenifer says that jessica extended the loan’s due date in a face to face meeting in which she explained that she’d gotten a job but couldn’t give her an exact date she could pay her back but that she would, eventually, give her the money. jessica says that during that meeting she told jenifer she’d already filed the paperwork to take her to court (i.e. called 1-888-V-E-R-D-I-C-T) because jenifer had told her via previous text messages that she actually would not be paying that money back!
jenifer admits that she’d told jessica she wouldn’t pay her but only because jessica had started “calling [her] out of [her] name.” unfortunately, in the eyes of the law, calling somebody a bitch (or worse) doesn’t erase their debt to you. that is a shame. (i know a handful of people i’d pay $$$ for the chance to call them a fucking bitch, or worse!!!, to their faces, somebody with an accounting degree start us an s-corp and let’s get this absolutely necessary service cracking!!)
in a hilarious twist i’ve never before seen on this show, the judge finds the case for the plaintiff, BUT: rather than saying “here is your money, bye” he instead extends the loan due date to december to give jenifer more time to pay it so she “doesn’t hurt her credit.” WHAT? why are we doing this?? it’s always been my understanding that the show pays the damages or whatever in exchange for the hilarious content provided by its combatants. am i wrong????? you learn something new every day, i guess. holy shit, greg loves keeping this relationship spicy!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: jenifer, to jessica: “that’s a lie and you know it.” greg, to jenifer: “do you…………………….wanna take a lie detector test?”
*bangs gavel*