who's on judge mathis today? #242
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated television show of all time
plaintiff: thomas from west seneca, new york. thomas looks like the gruff little old guy who runs the meat counter at your favorite italian deli, the one you don’t mind calling you “sweetheart” as he piles extra melenzane onto your spicy sub. (can you tell i haven’t been home in two and a half years??? bari foods, my love, i miss you deeply!) thomas is wearing brown church slacks with a tan sport coat with a pale lavender (??) dress shirt. his hair is slicked back and he’s wearing two pinky rings???? what episode of the sopranos is this???????
defendant: joeshie from lackawanna, new york. my dark chocolate, zaftig queen is wearing a full length bodysuit with molded titty cups, and let me say that again but slower: a black, stretchy-sheer, belly-hugging bodysuit, with a very deep v-neck and major boob separation with each boob loving held by a curved cup, aka the sexiest courtroom outfit i have ever seen in my life. she’s topped it with a long knit duster, for modesty i presume, glasses, not a stitch of makeup, and her hair is in a dozen cornrows plaited elegantly down the back of her skull. i would take a bullet for this woman.
the complaint: thomas says he got married in 1983 but had a 19-year affair with joeshie (WAIT) and now he’s suing her for breach of contract (WAITTT) and emotional distress.
what does she want: $1335, wowza!!
how it went down: i’m sorry but how in the FUCK did these people meet each other??? okay listen, i have some clean cut, fratboy looking-ass close friends that if you saw us together on the street you’d be like “haha no, she’s kidnapping him, right?” but i can’t even press play because i’m too busy trying to scrape my jaw up off the floor. what in the world!!!!!!!
thomas begins, in a lyrical and heavily accented voice, “since 1983 i’ve been married, it’s been up and down, and i haven’t been the best [husband] i could be.” (i’m not kidding he’s absolutely like “since-a 1983 i’ve been-a married…” it’s like a movie!!) he says that he loves to cook for people and take care of them, and when he worked at a factory that makes books for children he would cook lunch for his coworkers every day. i gotta pause to say that my newest least favorite type of person is a self-mythologizer. you know, the kind of people who tell you a fairytale about themselves rather than just letting you decide how you feel about them on your own? it’s so boring and manipulative!!!!
anyway thomas says that joeshie was a temp at the factory and “she got to see what i was cooking and *dramatic pause* she liked it.” thomas says joeshie was “a nice woman, a nice lady, can’t complain at all” and from now on this is the only way i will allow myself to be described. thomas says they developed a relationship and greg says “romantic…?” and thomas is like “umm…uhhhhhh…ahh…welllllll” in a way that lets me know he just remembered his wife is free in the afternoons and knows how to work the TV.
thomas says “you know what? i like attention!” and greg says “sir, were you lovers?” and thomas is all bashful and evasive saying “well……………” and the judge turns to joeshie and says “i’ll get my answers from her. ma’am?” and she says”YES IT WAS A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.” the judge is impressed that joeshie got right to the point without pussyfooting all around what we all knew was the truth. he asks her when she met thomas and she says “‘95” without missing a beat. i’m not sure how best to convey this but joeshie’s entire energy is giving “ughhh this dude here.” she’s like…a heavy sigh in human form. it’s clear thomas is putting on a show and trying to dance around what’s going on and joeshie’s face is just like can we get this the hell over with? i’m obsessed with her.
it’s worth mentioning that greg and every single person in the courtroom is laughing the entire time watching this mess. greg asks joeshie how long they’ve been together and she says nineteen years (good lord!) and he asks thomas about his wife and joeshie is like “they’re still married.” greg screams “is she watching right now?” and thomas says “oh yeah, she watch” and this is so funny i am about to start looking for studio in upstate new york so i can be friends with these two for real. the bills look good this season i mean why not!!!!
the judge says “how long did you all date?” and thomas does that thing that i thought only my old boyfriends did: he tries to create a “we’re not actually dating” loophole because he and joeshie never do date-like things such as going to restaurants or movies or taking hypothetical walks on hypothetical beaches. but he knows that’s not what greg means! he wants to know how long y’all been bumping uglies!!!!
thomas says “i’ve never stayed overnight” and come on man DUH WE KNOW. that’s how affairs work!!!!! thomas says that all joeshie wants is his money (yeahhhh gold diggers always on the hunt for a hot man working a lucrative job at…………………….the little kids book-making factory) for bingo, newports, and marijuana. hold up, is joeshie my reincarnated mom?????? lol thomas says joeshie can’t live without her bingo games and newport cigarettes, and if he doesn’t buy them for her she’d be sleeping outside his house trying to get him to buy some.
thomas says he doesn’t think she should smoke weed or cigarettes if she doesn’t have the money to get them and greg turns to joeshie and asks what she thinks he shouldn’t be doing and she calmly replies “you shouldn’t be cheating on your wife with me” and everyone in the courtroom, including the judge, falls out laughing. i’m laughing so hard i can’t even see straight. greg asks joeshie if they broke up and she says yes and when he asks why (she has said approximately 12 words to thomas’s 3,238,942) she says “because he brought me a hamburger.” the judge is like ? and the audience is like ?? and i’m over here like ??? and then she says “i didn’t want it, so he left and the next day he came back and said he gave it to another woman he had sex with.”
messy greg is instigating shit, hollering “you still got the hamburger lady?” at him and thomas says that he and joeshie broke up not because of her (omg imagine hearing yourself referred to as “hamburger lady” i would die) but because joeshie dumped him when she decided she didn’t want to pay him his money back. WHAT MONEY. you’re not gonna charge your weekend wife of nineteen years for some little cigarettes and shit, that’s insane!!!!!
okay finally we’re getting to the “contract,” which better not be bingo-related or i’m gonna scream until my lungs burst. thomas says that joeshie came to him for money to buy a new television (thank you god) because she was giving her old one to one of her sons. thomas says he took her to kmart to get a new one and she signed a promissory note to pay him back. greg and i are shocked. he’s like “ma’am did you do that??? why would you pay this man you’ve been with for nineteen years for a cheap ass tv??????” greg tells thomas he should be ashamed of himself for stringing joeshie along for nineteen years then says “ma’am did he promise you he was going to leave his wife?” and joeshie says “no, because if he had i would’ve left him.”
I JUST JUMPED OUT OF MY CHAIR AND SALUTED THE TV. nothing but respect for my president (of feminism)!!!! greg is baffled because apparently he’s never heard of a woman not wanting to deal with a raggedy ass man’s full time bullshit but me? a solitary tear is rolling down my cheek. WE DID IT, JOE(SHIE)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: greg asks joeshie about this money and she says she had every intention of paying him but then decided not to. greg asks why and joeshie says she can’t say why aloud in court. the judge tells her to abbreviate it, to use initials, and joeshie says “NC.” i’m like wtf could that be and so is he, so he sends doyle over for joeshie to whisper it in his ear so he can transcribe it for the judge. after she tells him he says “you sure?” and we’re all still laughing because honestly what the hell could that mean, and then the judge reads the paper and his face falls and it hit me and i said “OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS” to the dog, who did not care!
thomas called joeshie a “N (racial slur) C (derogatory woman slur)” and yooooo is murder court still open because maybe it’s time to move this trial over there. thomas confirms that he said that because joeshie left him a message on his house phone????? that’s it???????? he’s lucky she didn’t cut his throat. joseph shouts “i’m not racist! she knows what i’ve done for them!” and i hope he’s referring to joeshie in a gender-neutral way and not defending himself as a non-racist by calling black people THEM??? why did this dude come on a black man’s TV show with this?!
he hysterically screams that joeshie “pushed him to his limit” and that’s why he said what he did, then he tries to force her to accept an apology for a hate crime he claims was her fucking fault!!!!!! the judge asks her if she accepts (she doesn’t) and thomas said that after he said it she hit him with a brick and imo that’s better than an apology, justice is served! greg isn’t giving him any emotional distress money but he does order joeshie to pay him back for the TV, and thomas advises her (honestly he should shut the fuck up talking to her but whatever) to “find a sugar daddy.” greg, incredulous, is like “you were her sugar daddy! you just weren’t putting out enough sugar!!!!!!”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “sir!” *bangs gavel* “you gotta pay the cost to be the boss!”
*bangs gavel*