who's on judge mathis today? #243
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: lloyd from harper woods, michigan. sorry it’s been a minute but ol’ kirsty had knee surgery on wednesday and i spent the rest of the week buried under the avalanche of learning previously foreign concepts to me like “where we keep the band-aids” and “cleaning the entire kitchen after dinner.” doing things around the house is fucking hard. babes, i took three different naps last week. i haven’t napped since kindergarten!!! anyway young lloyd is wearing an oversized tan dress shirt paired with a different shade of tan pants and a tannish-gray tie and wow this is a lot of tan??? it’s like my man decided to come to court as a bowl of oatmeal.
defendant: tiffany from detroit, michigan. tiffany is gorgeous in a crisp royal blue button down shirt and black slacks, no makeup, with her glistening hair ironed so flat it makes me wince to look at her. that is a *fresh* relaxer, like straight out the chair fresh, so fresh that gazing upon it makes my eyes water as visions of that yellow tub of motions super silky taunting me from the edge of the counter while my sister vaselined my scalp and ears blurring my vision. her hair is laaaaaid, hot damn.
the complaint: lloyd dated tiffany and is now suing for the cost of a car after he put up his own personal money to replace her vehicle.
what does he want: $3500
how it went down: lloyd says that he and tiffany dated for three or four years and that they broke it off because “she was the biggest cheater that i’ve ever seen.” does lloyd………………………….not know a single other man? he says that she and his brother “had relations” and the crowd lets out the loudest collective groan i’ve ever seen (i haven’t seen very many groaning crowds) which they should because that’s foul as hell.
lloyd says that he and his brother got into it because his brother took a gun over to tiffany’s house to kill her (ohmygod) and lloyd spent eight months in jail for stopping him and beating his brother up. the judge is sitting there with his jaw on the desk in disbelief and so am i as i wonder how the hell my lighthearted fun show about aunties fighting on facebook turned into an episode of law and order: svu.
lloyd mentioned that he served time in wayne county jail and oh brother here comes greg with a soliloquy about detroit. he’s like me any time someone mentions northwestern (“did you know that’s in evanston, where i’m from) or john cusack (“did you know he’s from evanston, where i’m from”). lloyd has some papers from court proving that he was acquitted of attempted murder (i get it, i have siblings) by judge boykin, who just so happens to be a friend of judge mathis. i’m talking shit but let me fuck around and get my own show, everyone on it would be someone i went to high school with or their mom or something, just so i could look cool and popular.
lloyd says he’s got no prior felonies and always stayed out of trouble, and that he knew this situation was going to turn out like this and tried to warn tiffany when she first started dating his brother. lloyd says he told tiffany that if she led his brother on it would turn out like this, and that she destroyed his whole family. he says his brother is currently in prison for blowing up her car. EXCUSE ME????? sheeeeeesh, tiffany must be working with one of these.
okay wait, lloyd was talking too fast and didn’t give us the correct timeline of events so here we go:
-lloyd dated tiffany
-lloyd’s brother blew up tiffany’s car
-lloyd beat up his brother for blowing up tiffany’s car
-lloyd went to jail for eight months
-while lloyd was in jail he called tiffany and found out she had been cheating on him with his brother
-when he got out of jail he moved in with tiffany because he didn’t have anyplace else to go
what a doozy! tiffany says that it’s true what lloyd said about their having known each other for three or four years, but what he didn’t say was that when they got together they agreed to have “an open relationship.” tiffany says that at the time they met lloyd was already with a woman he’d been with for ten years and she had a serious boyfriend. she says lloyd is a controlling stalker who tried to dictate what she wore and who she hung out with, and one time she had a friend over and they came outside to discover lloyd in her bushes?????? ew, i hate it.
tiffany says she never slept with lloyd’s brother, and when greg asks her what they got into a fight over she says “i don’t know” in a way that lets me know she’s not trying to give any criminal testimony to a television audience for free. lloyd asks tiffany why his brother blew up her car and she says “i don’t know, your whole family is crazy” then lloyd says “he blew up her car because y’all were flirting.” okay in the five minutes and twenty-seven seconds i’ve been watching this case tiffany’s crime, according to lloyd, has been downgraded from fucking to dating to talking to flirting and idk man maybe she has a point?
greg interrupts (he hates when the litigants fight with each other instead of him) and asks lloyd what really went on between tiffany and his brother. lloyd said that his brother was “talking to” (for the unhip: COURTING) tiffany and had no idea that she had moved in with lloyd. (but did he know they’d been together previously or did he just think she was a woman he met or what?!) one night his brother saw tiffany’s car in lloyd’s driveway and blew it up. greg is like “how did he blow it up?” and lloyd says “he threw a cocktail in it” (the audience can’t stop gasping today, it’s hilarious) and greg responds, with a tinge of pride, “they ain’t playing in detroit, i’ma tell ya. whew, they rough!”
the ruling: lloyd says that after his brother destroyed tiffany’s car he purchased a new one for her in an effort to keep the peace. he says that tiffany agreed to pay him back, but she says he bought the car for her and she didn’t hear anything about paying him back until after they’d broken up. tiffany says she dumped lloyd because he was a stalker and lloyd says “i’m not gonna lie, i was in her bushes” and the whole courtroom bursts out laughing. greg is like “i know. i didn’t even ask you when she first brought it up because you look like the bush type.” i’m crying. if the judge said that to me i would walk out the courtroom and drown myself in the lake.
lloyd says he was “doing detective work” in the bushes in front of the house he paid for that’s filled with his furniture, and he heard tiffany on the phone talking to her ex-boyfriend about what a good time they’d had the night before. tiffany’s friend was there and asked who she was talking to and she said lloyd, but lloyd is like “i’m crouching in the bushes with my phone turned off so it couldn’t have been me!” when she hung up he crawled out of the hedges (my kingdom for a visual reenactment) and went inside and broke up with her.
tiffany continues to deny all this stuff but lloyd has an accordion of truth™ filled with evidence papers (i’m sure that if nothing else having been in jail for the better part of a year teaches you the importance of documentation) and greg doesn’t buy her story. judgment for the plaintiff, who will hopefully spend it on a fireman costume.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “judge boykin? he’s one of the few good judges in wayne county. if he lets you off, you definitely didn’t do it.”
*bangs gavel*