who's on judge mathis today? #244
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: andrea from philadelphia, pennsylvania. okay soft butch beauty!!!!! andrea is a little short and stout teapot swaggering into the courtroom wearing a black single-button blazer and black slacks with a dizzying black-and-white swirl-patterned blouse, tiny cornrows pulled into a ponytail, and those small rectangular glasses that everybody’s secretly gay auntie puts on to read the fine print on the olive garden menu.
defendant: dorothea from philadelphia, pennsylvania. dorothea is a statuesque glamazon in a crimson satin blouse (the sweat…the wrinkles………..i would perish) beneath an open black blazer and black pants. she has perfectly coiffed season one of family matters harriet winslow hair and frosted lipstick, what a dream.
the complaint: andrea says she and dorothea are both social workers and used to be close friends. they had a falling out because andrea loaned dorothea money but she never repaid the her, and now she’s suing.
what does she want: $438 okay ~ordinarily~ this would get a OH HELL NAW from me, i do not condone suing someone for an amount you could scrounge together from checking abandoned, out of commission pay phones, BUT my wife is a social worker and i can confirm: they are broke.
how it went down: andrea says that she met dorothea a few years ago when they worked together and they became fast friends and got really close. she says dorothea’s children call her “auntie” (hahaha i knew it) and that she and her mother have a close relationship, too. she says she really misses dorothea since their friendship ended over this loan. that’s sad!
dorothea says “hi, your honor. the reason i think we’re here today is because the plaintiff has a sexual thing against me.” greg says “she wants you?” and dorothea says “yes, she wants me.” the judge asks what’s given dorothea this impression and she says that a couple times when they were out drinking at the bar andrea got wasted and started “feeling all over [her own] breasts, really feeling herself, grabbing my hand and looking me in the eye.” okay maybe that sounds dumb but i had to interview a dating coach for work once and she said the primary way to let someone know you want to bone them is to make “deep and sustained eye contact.” ISN’T THAT DISGUSTING?? whatever happened to somebody just coming up to you and pointing seductively at their throbbing crotch????? (jk don’t do that.) i am a freak who is only capable of looking at my shoes while talking to a hot person, i literally cannot imagine staring into a strangers eyes for longer than two seconds before my body is swept away by a river of my own flop sweat.
andrea says “that’s not true” with absolutely zero conviction and dorothea says “i don’t go that way, i like men, actually i love men” and okay okay, we get it, you’re straight, you worship cock, you would never accidentally let this short queen finger you in the ladies room and blame it on the booze, we get it!!!!!!!!!!
dorothea continues talking about andrea in a way that feels mean specifically to me, a person who has been rejected before. this is the foundation of so many nightmares, the idea that you made yourself vulnerable to someone who not only was secretly laughing at you at the time, but then turned around and reenacted it for an audience of people who can’t wait to clown you, too. greg calls dorothea out because he hates shit like this and asks dorothea why, if the incidences in which andrea has expressed an interest in her are sometimes years apart, she continued to hang out with andrea until her refusal to pay this loan back came between them? you know and i know and the judge absolutely fucking knows that it’s because dorothea enjoyed leading andrea on and probably benefitted from it in some way (i wonder who foot the bill for all those nights kicking it at the bar) but dorothea says she continued hanging out with andrea because she didn’t want to tell anyone why they couldn’t be friends (uh, the lesbianism i guess???) and “damage her reputation.” get the fuck outta here!
i am inordinately mad at this, perhaps, but i hate this gay panic bullshit. it’s clear (to me, a person who has listened to three minutes of this person’s neatly edited testimony) that dorothea was cool hanging with homegirl and getting money out of her and then when she wanted her money back was like “ew andrea wanted to be scissor sisters lol” and that sucks! andrea says that yeah dorothea is talking shit now but she wasn’t saying all that when she needed $600 to move into her new house. on two separate occasions dorothea came to andrea for money (dorothea interrupts to say “i object,” which is hilarious every single time someone tries it) and andrea gave it to her. dorothea, who maybe should watch an episode of law and order sometime, says “yeah i asked because i knew you would give it to me.”
gregory “lesbian ally” mathis says to dorothea that most people with a conscience wouldn’t accept gifts from someone they suspected had ulterior romantic motives because they wouldn’t want to lead that person on or signal to them that their affections might eventually be bought!!!!!!!!!!!!! andrea says that dorothea paid back $200 that she owed her, then greg asks about the extra $38 and andrea says “that’s for the uhaul i rented for her” and lmaoo i’m sorry but the only way this episode could get any gayer is if these girls start bumping purses in the middle of the courtroom i’m cryinggggg.
the judge asks what dorothea said when andrea tried to collect the rest of her money, and andrea tells this story about her wallet getting stolen from her job (social workers should be sainted, really and truly) so she went over to dorothea’s house on christmas eve and asked if she could pay her any of the money back, even as little as $20, so she could put some gas in her car to get home. andrea says that dorothea responded “i was just about to ask YOU for some money” and listen i might have to turn this shit off because my brain is leaking out of my ears like lava!
dorothea interjects to say andrea is lying and greg bangs the gavel like “ma’am you already told us this is how you treat her, shut up” and someone get glaad on the phone, i believe they owe this man an award!!!!!! andrea says that dorothea went ballistic on her (over her fucking money!) but they eventually came to the agreement that dorothea would pay $200 on january 15 and another $200 on january 30………….when she got her taxes back. every single person in the courtroom groans because we all know that’s the biggest scam in all the land, the “i’ll pay you with my tax return” lie from the pit of hell. unless you can somehow convince the actual government to reroute that money into your account don’t fall for this shit!!!
andrea says “i fell for the okey doke” and greg says not one time in the 15+ years he’s been doing this show has a person who claimed they would repay a debt with their income tax check ever done so and, as a noted mathis historian, i concur. if somebody tells you that shit just kiss your money goodbye, you’re about to see that bitch riding around in a 2005 pontiac sunfire with a temporary plate that you unwittingly paid for come the second week of january, mark my words!!!
the ruling: greg asks dorothea “what’s your defense for not giving her her money?” and dorothea says “i don’t believe i owe her $600. i believe i owe her $438.” bro what. that’s the exact amount she’s suing you for??? dorothea clarifies that she thinks she only owed $438 TOTAL and after having paid the $200 she believes she only owes andrea $238 and i’m sorry but i don’t believe her! girl, you just told on yourself!!!
both women brought printed out text sheets™ so let’s get down to the battle of AT&T. the judge reads the texts aloud, and andrea was smart enough to put the exact amount of money owed in the texts and dorothea was careless enough to acknowledge that that’s the amount she (never) planned to pay back. i mean, obviously she never thought andrea was going to take it all the way to court, dorothea thought she was just gonna pay that shit off in tiny increments of hands brushing against each other and long lingering looks over long island iced teas down at the bar. greg can’t deny what dorothea typed with her own fingers, so judgment for the plaintiff, and since dorothea loves men so fucking much maybe she can find one to pay back this loan!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “if we multiply 4 cases a day, times 5 days a week, times 52 weeks in a year, times 15 years…………..out of 15,600 cases not one person has received their IRS money!”
*bangs gavel*