who's on judge mathis today? #245
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: marchanita from orlando, florida. marchanita charges angrily into the courtroom wearing a floral blouse and a black kinda drapey cardigan thing that is strikingly similar to the one from athleta i am currently wearing. let me tell you something: i will die wearing this stupid fucking thing. i wear it every day! it’s warm enough to get you between the car and the store on a blustery day, but never so hot that you start to smell your deodorant roasting in your sweaty armpits. anyway this is not an ad, i just appreciate an item of clothing that is soft and capable of concealing other, worse clothing. marchanita is wearing several chains, a trick i also employ to draw attention to my titties and away from my teeth, and is wearing a huge bun on the top of her head accompanied by an enormous, swooping (not the) bayang!!!!!!! absolutely sensational.
defendant: sabrina from orlando, florida. sabrina is wearing a bright and busy church dress™, a stiff white sheath with an enormous black and white floral pattern that has some hot pink accents. it’s the kind of awkwardly immobile dress that’s only good for standing very still, which makes it a perfect garment for court!!!
the complaint: marchanita says sabrina is a liar who put her property outside when they were roommates and she’s suing her for the value of said items.
what does she want: $3815
how it went down: marchanita begins by saying “we’re here today because of him” as she gestures at a gentleman seated behind her. first of all, whatever happened to sisterhood! she continues “[sabrina] claims they were in a relationship” and president of the local chapter of the national black feminist organization gregory ellis mathis interrupts to ask (read: yell) “WHAT DOES HE CLAIM???” marchanita whips around to look at the young man and he doesn’t say shit, i mean, the silence is palpable. (and really fucking awkward!!!!!!!!) marchanita says “he better claim that we’re together” and let me tell you right now that this dude isn’t worth whatever eight minutes of trouble i’m about to listen to next.
marchanita is mad as hell and says that sabrina doesn’t still claim to be with [the quiet dude] and greg asks how long they’ve been together and she says “since may the 14th” which made me laugh for some reason. idk that’s just so specific, it tickles me. you: “hey sam, when did you guys meet?” me: “on january 32nd at 15:02pm, i was wearing black pajamas as real clothes and was carrying one of my many cats in a tote bag!” like come on, that level of detail is hilarious. i couldn’t tell you how many coffees i drank yesterday (no fewer than ninety) let alone the exact date i did something in the past, i’m impressed!!! greg says “you’re a good looking couple” and finally marchanita cracks a damn smile, even though it only lasts 2 seconds.
marchanita says that before she and william (thank goodness, he has a name) hooked up she asked sabrina if she and he were “together” and sabrina said no. greg asks why she felt the need to ask sabrina that in the first place and marchanita says that the two of them had been “messing around” in the past because he was just a “baby.” she doesn’t mean that he was young, “baby” is apparently their nickname for men they don’t care about. okay i’m about to show my age (67) and gripe about how if people just used the actual terms for the sexy stuff they are doing instead of these unclear euphemisms, they might not end up in uncomfortably sticky situations. like maybe marchanita could’ve said “hey sabrina, are you and william having sex and in a committed partnership?” and sabrina could’ve responded “no girl, he eats my butt out sometimes but we’re not on the same cell phone plan and we don’t ever go out to dinner” then maybe no one would be confused about who is with whom or for what.
it’s sabrina’s turn, and she comes in hot saying “[marchanita] did the worst thing she could ever do to me: sleeping with my man while living under my roof.” oh noooo. sabrina says she and william have been “messing around” (see! there we go with this!) off and on for years. sabrina says she and william broke up in june and, if you remember from earlier, marchanita says that she and william started dating in may. yikes on bikes! greg asks sabrina if they indeed had the conversation during which marchanita asked about the status of her relationship with william, and she admits that they did but then kinda hems and haws about the answer she gave her before finally conceding that she didn’t tell marchanita they were still together. greg yells “that’s why he’s over there with her now!” and sabrina just shrugs, which is how you gotta play it when your ex is sitting across the room. i’d do the same fucking thing!
greg chastises sabrina, telling her she shouldn’t be in court accusing marchanita of being a bad friend and stealing her man when she didn’t do anything to keep him, and i’m sorry but how has this man not been dragged to the podium yet??? he’s sitting right there, we can’t get a mic pack fastened to his back and a shady chyron plastered under his face????? “william from orlando, florida ‘accused of messing around with the defendant’.” come on, greg!! yell at the man!!!!!
marchanita says that she was in the hospital in july and she got word that sabrina was putting all her belongings out on the curb while she was laid up. she says when she was discharged she went to the building where they lived and saw her television, freshly cracked and appearing to have significant water damage, propped against the side of it. she and william went inside to the apartment and discovered that sabrina had changed the locks. marchanita says she knocked and knocked and got no answer, so she went down to the sidewalk to call sabrina and ask her what was up.
sabrina told her “you slept with my man so i got rid of your stuff.” marchanita asked what she’d done with it and sabrina told her she’d “called [marchanita’s] brother to come get it.” i don’t know who slept with who’s man (these timelines are blurry, at best) but it’s low down to throw someone’s shit out when they’re in the hospital. as a person who’s been in the hospital more times than i can count i can say with certainty that all you want after being released from those bland sterile hallways that smell like lysol and soup is to go straight home and get in your own bed and look at your own stuff. for real, i come home like belle in beauty and the beast: “hello, toaster oven! hi, vacuum! happy to see ya, busted phone charger! good morning, pile of magazines i keep meaning to recycle!” no one leaves the hospital expecting to go on a scavenger hunt for their own shit!!!!!!!!!!
marchanita called her brother and he had no idea what she was talking about, so she says she called sabrina back and was told he “must not have picked it up.” that’s cold as hell, i would have absolutely lost my entire mind. greg commends marchanita for bringing sabrina to court rather than “cutting or fighting her” and yes he is profiling but also………………..he’s right. these girls look like they would fuck each other UP.
the ruling: sabrina says she did call marchanita’s brother to pick up her stuff and she just assumed he’d come and gotten it, and maybe if they lived in mayberry or some other fictional perfect town i’d believe that she thought this woman’s TV and electronics and clothes and whatnot would remain untouched on the curb but there is no universe in which i’d believe that people in a big metropolitan city wouldn’t assume that it was trash there for the taking. come on, sabrina!
greg asks sabrina how the things were moved, like did she hire a service or what, and sabrina says that she packed everything up and moved it out herself. greg says “you didn’t know that was illegal?” and sabrina says “I DIDN’T CARE” with the kind of contemptuous energy i both fear and respect. greg says “where’s her stuff now?” and sabrina says “i don’t know” then greg says “well you better find it, because you just bought it.” judgment for the plaintiff!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “he broke up with her in june and started seeing you in may? you were wife-in-laws, for a month or so!”
*bangs gavel*