who's on judge mathis today? #248
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: alaina from irvine, california. my goth angel!! alaina is dressed like a fucking vampire, plus she’s very pale and has long, pitch-black hair. she’s rocking short black nails and smoky grey eyeliner, too. it’s possible that i’ve never seen anyone cooler!!
defendant: michael from newport beach, california. okay i’m not gonna lie, i squinted at the screen for a good ten seconds trying to figure out whether or not this dude was michael avenatti. they look extremely similar; that same allover short buzzcut, a fancy, expensive-looking suit (this man is wearing cufflinks, bitch!), and an obnoxiously cocky walk. i’m not too proud to admit that i found michael avenatti attractive and at one point mostly watched the news hoping he would show up. this is a disease, and i am in treatment. anyway the reason i knew it was not him is because this michael is swaggering into the courtroom with A DOG ON A LEASH. there’s a first time for everything, sure, but also: what the fuck is going on here.
the complaint: alaina says she rented a room in the defendant’s home and soon realized the defendant had placed hidden cameras in it (i’m sorry, what) and now she’s suing for rent, a security deposit, and emotional distress.
what does she want: $5000, the max, which is not nearly enough, which means we oughta shift this over to murder court expeditiously. countersuit my jaw just shattered against my breastplate because michael would like $5000 from alaina for “defamation.” i am going to scream.
how it went down: alaina kicks it off, saying “your honor, i would just like to let the whole world know this man is a disgusting, nasty pervert.” michael smiles at this, which is kind of weird but also i get it. if someone said that about me i’d be like “…………………………………….ok,” i mean what else is there to even do. if you defend yourself, you look like a nasty pervert!! alaina says that after a few weeks living in her new place she got out of the shower one day and noticed a motion detector in the corner of her room (she’s said this twice but i’m not sure what kind of rental situation this was?) and when she jumped up on the dresser to yank it off the wall she discovered a camera in there. omg this is an actual nightmare???
alaina says she turned to look at the smoke detector, which also looked odd, so she shined a flashlight into it and found another camera. alaina, who is holding back tears because of course, this is the most upsetting shit i’ve ever heard, says that she panicked because this strange man who also lived on the fucking property (holy cow) had been filming her and ostensibly could’ve been watching her as she discovered his cameras and come kick her door in. this is fucking scary!!! and dude is standing on the other side of the courtroom, his enormous support mastiff asleep at his feet, LAUGHING.
you know what this case just made me think of? the rental, one of my favorite favorite (thriller? lite-horror???) movies of the last few years. it’s about these two couples who rent an airbnb and discover a camera in the shower head, and that’s all i’ll say so i don’t spoil it for you. it’s so gorgeous and also tense and unnerving as hell. plus yes chef from the bear is in it, and everybody is in love with that guy now, right??? most importantly, it is one hour and twenty-eight minutes long. you literally have nothing to lose! the movie was on netflix last time i checked, but if not i’m sure it’s like two bucks to rent it or get from the redbox or whatever you like to do. anyway watch the rental and support both my excellent taste and your man. (“yes, chef!”)
alaina says she locked herself in the room and called the police, at which point michael came and knocked on her door several times because he’d been watching her on the cameras!!!!!!!!! i’m sorry???????? ROLL IN THE DAMN GUILLOTINE. alaina says that michael left the residence while she was waiting for the police, and when they arrived she gave them a statement and they investigated and eventually discovered that this dude had over 500 motherfucking hours of her on his dvr. i have the fucking chills!
dude mumbles “that’s a lie” but he’s also still smirking? why isn’t doyle armed with a metal bat??? alaina says michael admitted that he’d filmed her for his own sexual pleasure, and he snickers and says “haha never” and when is someone gonna drive a tank through this makeshift courtroom what the FUCK. greg, who looks positively disgusted by all this, gives michael a chance to defend himself, which he begins by saying “the worst mistake i’ve ever made was renting a room to a drug-addicted ex-stripper.” i’d say the worst mistake this asshole ever made was the day he walked out of best buy struggling under the weight of a crate of infrared cameras, but we can agree to disagree.
michael says that he met alaina through a service that does background checks for renters therefore he felt comfortable opening his home to her. he says his prior tenant was “a massage therapist” who asked him to install a series of cameras in the room because that’s where she conducted her “business” and she wanted them for safety and come on, brother. what the fuck kind of brothel were you trying to turn your regular-ass house into. am i nuts (don’t answer that) or is this the weirdest shit you’ve ever heard in your life? i mean, i get it, but is homeboy trying to act like she was running a legitimate business out of his spare bedroom?? like, is he really trying to get us to believe that people were showing up to, i don’t know, get their sciatica worked on??? stop playing with me!
michael says that alaina moved in before he could remove the cameras, but it doesn’t matter anyway because “they weren’t connected.” he says that alaina is lying about the 500 hours of tape and that he’d love to see (and masturbate to) her evidence. greg’s getting spicy and asks michael for proof that alaina is a stripper who does drugs. he says she “does methamphetamines” and when the judge asks him how he knows he says that she did it in front of him. that doesn’t smell right, so greg says “and what were you doing while she was supposed using crystal meth in front of you, talking? reading the bible??”
michael jokingly says “we were talking…..about the bible” and, umm, it is not possible that this dude is living in the same reality the rest of us are because that is the kind of joke you make when you’re not the dude who spied on a young woman using hidden cameras in the room you rented to her!!! alaina interjects that michael was arrested for possession of methamphetamines and she has the police report in her accordion of truth™, and she also says that she has no criminal record and has never been in any kind of trouble with the law. alaina says dude has five convictions for meth (across the courtroom michael is shouting “that she planted on me!”) and that one of the arrests happened on the day she called the police to report the cameras!!!!!
michael is steadily denying it and i don’t know why he needs his emotional support pitbull (this is my emotional support pitbull) but i’m willing to bet it’s because he has no brains in his head. did he really think he could he said/she said his way out of criminal arrest records??? i’m literally stunned. alaina obviously did her homework (i.e. asked the lady down at the sheriff’s office to fire up the ol’ fax machine) and she not only has proof of all five of michael’s arrest records and subsequent convictions, she also has copies of all the police reports have been filed on his ass!!! my babe is a regular nancy drew!!!!! COULD SHE DO ALL THAT IF SHE WAS ON THE PIPE???
the ruling: the judge is furious. as michael continues to fucking smirk (my skin is crawling, it’s so creepy) he chastises him for lying and then reads this portion of the police report aloud: “he quickly added that he did not ‘watch all the time,’ but he had gone back on the dvr to review old footage of [alaina].” michael immediately says “that’s not true, your honor” as greg continues to angrily quote him directly from the police report saying “he got turned on and watched the footage for his own personal sexual satisfaction.” god i wish the dog would fart hilariously (or maul this dude to death) so we could hurry up and get this case over with before i die from the ick. the only thing worse than listening to someone’s sneaky, pervy shit in public is listening to it while they lie and repeat “no i don’t” on a loop. i’m ready to poke my eyeballs out.
greg is sick of this man’s shit and shouts “YOU DIDN’T TELL THEM THAT, YOU NASTY FREAK?” and michael, somehow laughing still (what weed does he smoke and can i get some), again says “that’s not true” while shuffling papers with the hand that doesn’t have a 20-foot leash wound around it. michael continues his denial (kill me, please) even as alaina holds up stills from his video feed of her sleeping in bed!!!!! why would he come to court, let alone come to court thinking that he had grounds to sue her. the audacity is astounding!!!!! i feel shocked!!!!!!!!!!!
alaina hands him the pictures and greg says “are you sure this is all you want, ma’am? you should’ve gone to a court with a higher jurisdiction instead of getting this little five thousand.” and he’s right, she should’ve come to murder court where my jury full of shitheads (my friends) would not only liquidate his assets and empty his accounts to award to her, they’d also throw him in a viper pit and let her watch. we could record it!!!!!!!!!!!!! judgment for the plaintiff and for michael’s dog lawyer, who took a very cozy and expensive nap.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “oh, you need to see some evidence? i bet you would like to ‘see’ it.”
*bangs gavel*