plaintiff: alisa from indianapolis, indiana. close cropped fade dyed platinum blond, short black skirt, black shirt, black jacket, black high heels. long, glamorous nails, multiple gold teeth, accordion of truth™. my queen!
defendant: joseph & tiera from indianapolis, indiana. our first ever co-defendants! have you ever seen those couples at great america or the mall, the ones who have coordinated their outfits from head to toe so you know they are unabashedly IN LOVE? these two are wearing the court tv version of that: a stunning combination of magenta satin and black polyester blends, topped by tiera’s long, asymmetrical magenta bob. i once asked my lady if she wanted the same kitten-printed sweatshirt i was ordering from a targeted instagram ad and she coldly shot back, “no, are you fucking stupid?” so it’s nice to see that true love exists for some people. (sigh)
the complaint: joseph is denying paternity of alisa’s daughter, and this is already bumming me out. these are much easier and more fun to write when the issue at hand is “got drunk and stole my lawnmower” and not “there is a human child suffering because of our ineptitude.”
what does she want: a DNA test, only. this is a new one for me! i didn’t even know you could get in front of judge mathis in a test-only capacity. he’s branching out, i see. maury better watch his lie detector machine, greg is coming for that ass.
how it went down: alisa and joseph dated for three years prior to their daughter being born. during the second year of their relationship, alisa found out about tiera, who does not look amused. alisa and joseph broke up during her pregnancy because he was cheating on and lying to alisa, not tiera, who apparently knew about alisa the entire time? how do people keep up with this complicated shit? i can’t remember to text my friends back, let alone keep two entirely different romantic relationships afloat! i couldn’t even tell you where the fuck my car keys are right now!! anyway, joseph signed the birth certificate after alisa’s baby was born, and he and tiera got married sometime shortly after that.
joseph says he met alisa after dealing with some “legal problems” (okay…?) and “once he was free” (OHHH OKAY) they started dating. and he admits that sure, he cheated on her, but there were “reasons behind it.” unless that reason is “the witch who cursed me said i could never break up with her and would be forced to cheat on her until the end of time,” sir you can take those reasons and go right the fuck back to jail. joseph says that one day when he was dating alisa, he had to go buy shoes for his other children because the child support he was paying to their mother wasn’t enough to cover it. alisa got mad about it, heated up some water, and poured it on him while he was asleep. alisa starts screaming that he’s lying, and greg asks to see photographic evidence, because he’d only believe it if joseph said it was grits. [enter al green ballad of choice here] he has none, but joseph does apparently have physical proof of the stab wounds he says alisa put in his chest when the water didn’t do the trick. i don’t want him to take his shirt off, but i also don’t not want him to take his shirt off. imagine waiting for water to boil when you apparently have a stabbing implement handy? girl, you need to learn to streamline your vengeance!
at this point tiera interrupts to say that alisa is ugly, and you know what? on behalf of ugly people everywhere, fuck this bitch. what are we, twelve? ugly ain’t a crime, sis. plus she used to fuck this loser you actually married, so…you win? ok, i guess! luckily for alisa greg loves us dog-faced women and sternly rebukes tiera. alisa is shouting about cars getting shot up and talking to the studio audience and telling judge mathis how fine her new boyfriend is and yes i would absolutely tie myself to a train track for her. so would greg, based on how much he has to stifle his laughter.
joe (we’re friends now, right?) says he had to move out of alisa’s house because it was treacherous and unsafe, and that a family of raccoons had moved into the basement. i’m ready for her to scream “stop lying!” but i guess that shit is true because she says, “that’s why we moved!” and everyone falls apart laughing when greg asks “did the raccoons pay rent?” THIS IS RIDICULOUS. also it’s obvious that since there are no facts to find other than this blood test they performed two months ago that greg is gonna let them just cut up for ten minutes before he reads the results, and honestly i could watch five hours of this. give me the director’s cut.
the ruling: when he came home from prison people were telling joe that alisa had tons of different dudes in and out of her house, so he said that made him question the paternity of their child. he says he didn’t hold it against her, and he must not know what those fucking words mean because BITCH THAT’S NOT MY BABY is the textbook goddamned definition of “holding it against her.” joe says that he didn’t actually think the child wasn’t his until alisa started telling him that he couldn’t see her. i don’t condone that but listen, you can’t be taking my kid to a house you share with a lady who shit talks me and then bring that little terrorist back to my house armed with insults to use against me!
me: “_____, clean your room.”
_____: “you clean it, you rat-faced bitch!” LOL FUCK THAT.
greg says that paternity and withholding visitation are two separate issues. she still has half your fucking DNA if you live over here and she lives over there and your paths never cross, joseph! doyle the bailiff, who looks like a pinocchio doll come to life, hands greg an envelope which he opens with very little fanfare to reveal that joe is indeed the father of the six-year-old girl, who hopefully doesn’t yet know how to log onto judge mathis’ youtube.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: at one point joe says “i got a past” and greg scoffs “YOU GOT A CURRENT, TOO.”