who's on judge mathis today? #251
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: yoahoama from elkhart, indiana. yoahoama hustles into the courtroom in a bright blue dress shirt beneath a forest green, navy, and beige argyle knit sweater and paired with a bold red tie. what a welcome change from the typical bland male basics we get on this show! i am loving these suburban shopping mall pops of color!!
defendant: bonnie from elkhart, indiana. oh my god, an angel walks among us. bonnie is wearing: a cream-colored, hooded kohl’s poncho with three-quarter length sleeves and a stripe of fair isle print across the bust and midsection, oh and also it has both ties going down the front and copious fringe along the bottom hem; a brown shirt beneath that, which looks like a slice of bare titty every time her loosely-tied poncho sways as she sashays into the room; a red watch and red bejeweled necklace; all topped with a heavenly cloud of popsicle red s-curl. absolutely stunning.
the complaint: yoahoama says bonnie was his sister’s nurse, and they dated. he insists that she stole his moped, so he is suing her for unreturned property and emotional distress.
what does he want: $3000 (i googled “how much do mopeds cost” and the computer said anywhere from $700 to $11000, can’t wait for my fucked algorithm to show me electric bikes for the rest of my damn life!!!!!) also, quelle surprise, bonnie would like a $2400 countersuit from yoahoama and honestly i would like for him to give it to her!
how it went down: yoahoama (the announcer pronounces it like “yo mama,” which i hope none of his elementary school classmates figured out) says he met bonnie when she was a nurse for his sister, who has pancreatic cancer. yoahoama says he didn’t like bonnie from the jump because when they met she knew more about him than he did about her, like where he lived and worked, and he “don’t like nosy people.” okay i don’t wanna split this (relaxed, shiny) hair, BUT: wouldn’t he just assume that his dying sister told her nurse all about him and let that weird accusatory shit go? it’s not like bonnie bugged his fucking phone, she was probably making small talk while changing his sister’s bedpan or something. i mean maybe she’s actually evil deep down and i am simply blinded by the luxuriousness of her indoor outerwear, but this is nuts.
the judge says “did you ask her how she knew so much about you?” and yoahoama says “no, i didn’t have the time” BRO WHAT. yoahoama says he came back the next day to visit his sister and she told him to “give bonnie a chance.” a chance to do what!? okay not me being armchair nancy drew but it sounds like yoahoama’s sister was trying to hook her brother up with her lovely nurse, told bonnie all this shit about his good job and nice house or whatever the fuck he has to make his dusty ass appealing to her, then her brother, not knowing that he was in a forced matchmaking situation, stopped by and immediately showed his entire ass to this nice lady who was just trying to maybe go on a date. yoahoama says he decided to get to know bonnie to appease his sister (and his ap-penis) and they eventually started dating.
greg asks yoahoama why they stopped seeing each other and he’s like “all [bonnie] wanted was sex.” lmao okay poncho!!! yoahoama says he couldn’t keep up with bonnie’s sexual demand and, coincidentally, this is the first time i’m noticing that his hair is mostly gray. at first i thought it was a trick of the light! the judge makes jokes about yoahoama’s age and prowess (uh ohh) and in response yoahoama says the dumbest, most played out, slut-shamiest thing i’ve ever heard: “well if she liked it that much with me, how many other guys was she having sex with????” first of all, unless underneath that poncho bonnie has the same roiling hormones as your average teenage boy, if she’s trying to bone yoahoama nine times a day that leaves very little time and/or vaginal robustness to go out and bang somebody else. secondly, isn’t that shit flattering? like, who in the hell gets mad someone they’re dating wants to climb up and down them like a tree all day???
yoahoama says a few months after bonnie wore his dick out he decided to up and move to phoenix to “start a new life.” umm, it’s starting to crystallize why he’s so worried about nosy people in his business, he’s obviously into some shady shit! he says that during the year he was away in arizona he occasionally called to check on bonnie, and several of the times he called her she answered the phone while having sex. stop it!!! is this man fucking insane? who would ever believe that??? i’m never surprised by misogyny but it’s hilarious that yoahoama thought calling bonnie a whore was a good strategy to win a case about………………..a fucking moped.
unless bonnie fucked the moped, this line of testimony is irrelevant. judge mathis agrees with me, telling yoahoama it’s ridiculous that he thought anyone would believe that every time he called to get an update on his sick sister bonnie would pause reverse cowgirling on some stud’s huge boner to answer her phone, then immediately start grinding again as soon as she said hello. greg dismisses yoahoama’s bullshit and turns his attention to bonnie for her version of their backstory.
bonnie says that it’s true she and yoahoama dated and that doing so was one of the worst experiences of her life. she says that yoahoama was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to her. bonnie says he “stabbed [her] tires and stole [her] pain pills” (she has police reports to prove it!) and i promise to let this go but imagine a thieving pillhead dragging you on TV and trying to make you look like shit!! in what universe is “likes sex” worse than “steals oxys?” bonnie says that yoahoama likes to drink and gets violent when he does, and that once he gave her a concussion pushing her down because he was wasted and she wouldn’t let him into her house. is this dude secretly a left tackle because how hard do you have to push a person to give them a fucking concussion??? is yoahoama actually the hulk?????
bonnie says she has police reports detailing the assaults and multiple thefts yoahoama perpetrated against her and of course greg would like to see them, and while the judge pretends to skim i would like to play yet another game of “why did you come on TV if you knew you fucked the fuck up this badly?” i don’t remember anything anymore but i guarantee if someone had police reports detailing some messed up shit i did, the last thing i would do is drag that person into a courtroom so they can tell a damn judge all about it. like, do a moped gofundme, sir, or idk, just take the fucking bus if you need to go somewhere!! why embarrass yourself in front of america!!!!!!!!
bonnie apparently chose not to press charges any of the times yoahoama did something charge-able to her, and greg is like YO WHAT THE FUCK. bonnie says that when she met yoahoama her husband had recently passed away and she needed some male help around the house both with her chores and with her orgasms and yoahoama was good at both (okay we love that) but the cost was him stealing her shit all the time and lying about it. bonnie says his thieving was so bad that she had to hide her purse when he was in her house, and please god if you can hear me: before i die i would like to experience a single human dingaling this damn good.
if i gotta stick my wallet in the safe because a trick is on his way over?????? i don’t know man, he better fuck like a volcano!! anyway bonnie was so dickmatized that she bought herself a moped because yoahoama kept stealing her fucking car (EXCUSE ME) and she needed a way to get around when he did. she says that when he left to go to arizona he put the moped in storage and then (you know where this is going) stopped paying the storage fee so eventually everything in the unit was auctioned off and bonnie had to get in line and buy her same moped for a second time. i literally hate this.
the ruling: honestly this is so fucking stupid!! i cannot imagine putting up with some shit like this unless dude was like, hmm i don’t know, the rock? it can’t be overstated how regular yoahoama is, and i’ve been dogwalked by some regular people but never this bad. he’s an asshole, she’s a fool, this case is hurting my fucking feelings!!!!!!! greg asks bonnie about her countersuit and it’s for the tires yoahoama slashed, but it should be for the tires, plus the nfl concussion protocol she had to go through, add in the storage fees and whatever it cost to get the moped back, plus the going street rate for all those norcos he pilfered from her medicine cabinet.
yoahoama says he was out of town at the time bonnie’s tires magically deflated themselves so it couldn’t possibly have been him, but bonnie hands the judge a bunch of papers from the police in which they say they observed yoahoama slashing the tires and they talked to him about it. i am losing my mind over here. why is this man lying after the police told him months ago that they’d seen him on a surveillance tape!!! yoahoama starts panic-blathering about how part of his lawsuit stems from bonnie not giving him access to any of her vehicles (to steal) when he was sick and needed to go to the doctor (omg???) and we’re done here, judgment for the defendant, who hopefully will use her winnings to buy some decent sex toys so she won’t get bamboozled by some future loser who can fuck good!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “sir, that’s bad logic! the logic should be that if she’s having all this sex with you, she doesn’t have anything left for anyone else!”