who's on judge mathis today? #252
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: erica! i’m not sure what’s going on but there’s no “from ______, _________” in the chyron beneath her name??? are they doing away with the a/s/l of it all????? ARE TOO MANY FREAKS WRITING BLOGS ABOUT PEOPLE FROM PLACES LIKE SLAB CITY AND SODA SPRINGS????????? okay so erica from nowhere has shoulder-length locs that are pulled back into kinda like a cascading ponytail? and she’s wearing a black floral pussybow church dress (kind of like this but way worse) coupled with a thick, waffle weave white cardigan that could be a luxurious bathrobe if you squint. she is wearing not a single stitch of makeup, which i respect and admire. i haven’t put blush on in three years, but if you told me i had to be on TV tomorrow i would panic and run face first into a fucking mac counter. yes i would be covered in bloody shards of glass but also i’d have on lipstick.
defendant: joseph! i’m sorry to be like this but goddamn joseph is fine, sheeeeeeeesh. he might not have lost his mind at the fenty counter but my guy absolutely stopped by his facialist on his way into court?? HE’S GLOWING. joseph has fresh cornrows shimmering with grease and immaculate facial hair, including a graying david banner chin beard. joseph is wearing a deep navy sportcoat with a little sheen to it and a standard-issue blue dress shirt, but when the camera pulls out it reveals that he is also wearing what appear to be bright white gators??? yeah, this is gonna be a wild ride.
the complaint: erica dated joseph and even moved from florida (WHAT CITY) to california (WHAT FUCKING CITY??????) to be with him. erica claims her ex-boyfriend took money from her, so she is suing him for emotional distress and stolen cash.
what does she want: $3500!! countersuit because why not: joseph would like $2500 for emotional distress!
how it went down: erica says she met joseph in may of 2019 and he went from prince charming to “a liar, a cheater, a deceiver, and a heartbreaker, all at once.” erica says that she met joseph in may and he had her fly out to meet him in florida in june. the chivalrous president of the gloria steinem appreciation society gregory ellis mathis says “wait, why didn’t he fly to you??” erica says she doesn’t know, which is hilarious. you know, and i know, and everybody else knows, but okay girl live in your delusion i love it.
erica says that they hit it off immediately upon meeting in person, and everything was cool until they got to the hotel. she says the first red flag was that joseph’s phone beeped and buzzed constantly with calls and messages. to me the first red flag is that dude took her to a hotel in the same city he lives in, but whatever. erica says joseph wouldn’t answer the phone (why not just have it on silent, i haven’t heard my phone ring since 2009) and that made her suspicious that it was a woman calling him. the phone calls continued through the next day, and erica says she snuck a glance at it and saw that the call was from someone saved as “lil ugly.” LOLWAT. i just choked! this might be the funniest thing i have ever heard!!!!!! please, if you have my number, save me as “lil ugly” i am begging!!!!!!!!!!!!!
erica said she assumed that was code for a woman but she brushed it off and continued to enjoy her sexcation. a couple days later as she waited in line at the airport, she got a messenger call (i am not a hundred percent sure what this means? but what she’s describing sounds like she got a phone call through her facebook profile, which should be illegal) and there was a woman who claimed to be his longtime girlfriend on the other end of the phone barraging erica with questions about her relationship with joseph and telling her he was homeless and she was, essentially, his sugar mama. erica says the woman found her because she’d posted a picture of herself and joseph on facebook because he’d asked her to (oh god), and erica told this woman (lil ugly, i reckon) that she and joseph were together and if homegirl had a problem with it she should call him.
erica hung up and immediately tried joseph but he wouldn’t answer, probably because he was on the other line getting cussed the fuck out, but he called her back and yelled at her for “falling into the trap of a jealous ex-girlfriend.” ummmmmmmmm no??? your ex = your responsibility. if someone i used to date started clowning i’m not kicking back like “sorry sweetie you handle it good luck,” i am setting my car on fire before driving it through their front door screaming “don’t fuck with me, i fuck back!!!” over the roar of the flames.
according to him, joseph’s main issue was that erica had told lil ugly that the two of them were “together,” which should’ve been erica’s cue to never talk to this dude again. when someone you’re with is mad that you told people you’re with them, that is not great. she flew home, and the next day joseph called to apologize. a couple months later he asked erica to move to california, and she packed up her two teenage children and drove them to LA to live with a fucking stranger. a stranger who just ripped her a new asshole for calling him her boyfriend!!!!!! i am agog, like straight up sitting here with my mouth open like a dog in the sun. what the fuck??
so erica moved to LA and everything was cool for a few months and then joseph tells her that he has to go to florida for a few months to sort out some child support issue. erica’s like “wait hold up your kids are grown” and joseph says “these are some new kids i just found out about.” you guys, i am screaming. NEW KIDS????? what is happening!!! joseph leaves erica behind in california and goes to florida with the promise that he’ll be back in a few weeks. how do you think that went!? if your answer was “this dickhead never came back” then you get a prize.
erica stayed in california because she wanted to let her daughter graduate from high school (PLEASE) and as soon as she did they moved back to florida and into their sister/aunt’s house. erica says at that point she and joseph were “communicating” but not really seeing each other, then one day he calls her up and he’s in the car with another woman, which erica “brushed off because [she] was in love” and she believed his later explanation that the woman had “jumped in the car and put a gun to his head” before demanding he call her so she forgave him. this is the stupidest fucking shit i have ever heard.
joseph says that he’d initially moved out to california to pursue stand up comedy, and honestly THAT is the first red flag. his version of their love story is that erica messaged him after seeing his comedy videos on facebook and told him that she had a crush on him. joseph says that erica was under the impression that he was a big time comedian because he was opening for all these famous people, but he was honest and told her that he was a struggling comic who was living out of his car. he says the first time erica flew out to see him they had a good time and she was throwing money around and showering him with gifts, then she told him she wanted to move to LA. she put a down payment on a house in lake arrowhead, which is 1 not LA and 2 an expensive resort community??? do regular people actually live there????? erica and her kids moved, then joseph had business to attend to in florida so he bounced, and now he claims he “can’t get rid of her.”
joseph says “sir, if i got on a space shuttle to the moon? she’d be on a rocket right behind me!” hahahaha that’s funny but oh no. then joseph says something so insane that i reflexively slammed my laptop shut: “you notice how her last name is ‘hart,’ right? same as me? well, we ain’t married. she went and changed her last name to hart, and that’s when i knew something was wrong.” OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS. should we……………….move these proceedings to a precinct??? this is absolutely unhinged behavior!!!
i am reeling. like for real i might have to go take an ativan! the judge asks joseph how long into the relationship the name change happened and he says *drumroll for effect* six months. six fucking months!!!!!! i’ve been married for six fucking years and we literally *just* got a cohabitational return address stamp that says “irby & jennings” on it, this woman knows my social security number yet wouldn’t take my last name even at gunpoint, in what universe is an unmarried person changing her name after six months of long distance facebook messenger courtship??? i’m stunned, this is absurd!!! joseph starts talking about how erica would go through his fb friends and tell him to block women who liked his posts, and she interrupts to say “he was committing adultery.” (please, jesus, help me!) greg is like “ADULTERY?? oh you really do think y’all are married, huh?”
joseph, who is pretty fucking funny, says “your honor: since we’re in court, and you’re a judge, could you please divorce us?” i’m laughing, and greg is laughing, and wow imagine having a sense of humor about this crazy shit. i fucking love joking about serious shit, but i would be in witness protection!!!!! joseph continues to list all of erica’s batshit antics but this one is my fave: he works a lot, and when erica wants him to stay home with her she pays him the equivalent of what he’d make that day and takes him out to lunch and shopping, which i’m almost certain is the exact plot of the classic 1990 american romantic comedy film pretty woman.
erica says she is “bad with money” (yeah babe, we know) and one day she gave joseph $2500 to hold for her so she wouldn’t spend it. eventually something happened with one of her children and she needed cash so she asked him for it, and joseph didn’t have it. well he said he did, but he couldn’t get it to her because he “couldn’t get to the bank.” erica says she was shocked because he’d always paid her back in the past, and she’s the only one because girl come the fuck on!
i don’t even know what city they’re in at this point, or where either of them are emotionally in regard to the other, but i do know that at this point they have been together (whatever that means!!) for three years. man, i hope her kids are okay. and that they’ve got someone else to model healthy relationships for them, because this is a damn mess. anyway joseph says he kept the money because he thought erica was paying him for his “time,” and yo i wish we could see his sex tape because this dude must have core strength and hips like shakira. he says that erica hounded him so much his phone got shut off, and that they may as well be conjoined twins because he can’t get her off him no matter how hard he tries. again, his dick game must be extraordinary, and i would like to see it.
the ruling: at this point i suspect the judge is still letting these two talk because everything they say is more of a nightmare than the last, but we all know dude owes her the money, right? joseph is a truck driver, and his excuse for not paying erica back quickly goes from “i am a gigolo” to “i can never make it to the bank when it’s open.” but then he immediately fucks it up by reminding greg that we live in the 21st century admitting that he would occasionally send erica money via cash app in the past. lmao my man is acting like he needed to get a notarized cashier’s check when all he had to do was a little beep-boop-beep on his phone!!!!
erica has a bunch of printed out text sheets™ in which joseph tries to give her the run around about his “special account” that he “needs to go to the bank to access,” and i wonder why it’s easier for him to say something outlandish like that rather than “hey sorry i spent it, can i pay you back $200 a week” or whatever? dreaming up whole new departments of the bank when you could just set up a goddamn payment plan for the money you stole??? terrible!
the judge asks joseph about his counterclaim and he basically wants to stick it to erica for nagging him so much, and when he goes through the text sheets to point something out greg is like “wait, who is frank walmart?” and joseph says “oh, that’s her.” HE HAS ERICA SAVED IN HIS PHONE AS FRANK WALMART!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m sorry but let’s go see joseph if he ever goes on tour, this dude is something else. erica pipes up “see! he can’t put my real name in his phone because he cheats!!” but greg doesn’t care because he’s about to cough up a lung laughing, which he only pauses to torment me with a dramatic reading of their texts.
joseph sank his own ship with all that fake bank talk, because you wouldn’t tell someone you didn’t owe money about your complicated accounts and how if you could just find an hour to swing by an ATM she’d have her money back, you’d say “bitch i don’t owe you.” he can’t get emotional distress for erica sending messages to every single woman in his facebook roster demanding to know what their intentions were with her man, which is a shame. (imagine following some d list comedy guy then getting a deranged message from a lady you’ve never heard of demanding to know why you liked his post from three days ago, i would never stop yelling.) judgment for the plaintiff, who will hopefully use some of the money to legally change her goddamn name back. i will never, ever get over this!!!!!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “mannnn, i hate a HOBOsexual!!”
*bangs gavel*