who's on judge mathis today? #253
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: michelle from anderson, indiana. i’ve been sick since the middle of october then in and out of the hospital this month and last month and here is the final diagnosis: my poor body is a toilet. in addition to shitting blood every single day and sweating through my clothes every night (sometimes i have to change my pajamas two different times!!! the laundry!!!!!!!!!!) i now have three rectal ulcers, an external hemorrhoid, a bladder infection, and an unrelated abscess on my torso that a doctor cut open this morning and drained while i was awake and trying to make jokes to distract myself from the knife which i could actually feel. rectal ulcers, if you’re unfamiliar, feel like someone is shooting lightning up your asshole every thirty seconds. every fifteen if you’re sitting in a chair you can’t straddle like a sybian. it’s extremely fun!!!! nothing helps the pain!!!!!!!! a couple days ago the colorectal surgeon who i like very much cheerfully told me to try to “poop without pushing” and please just attempt to do that one time for my amusement and then tell me if it doesn’t make you want to walk into the nearest large body of water and never stop. i’m ready for the urn, baby! everything totally fucking sucks but not michelle, who is wearing a chic red boatneck tunic sweater over black leggings, and her shimmering black hair is styled like claire huxtable.
defendant: anthony from cincinatti, ohio (WHO DEY). either michelle is the height of a toddler or this is the tallest man i have ever seen. his knees hit the top of the little saloon door that separates the audience from the litigants!!!!! he looks like black boban!!!!!!!!!!!! anthony is wearing a muted sage green (just go with it) dress shirt paired with black slacks and in his hand is a judge mathis first: rather than the typical accordion of truth™ people come to court with, he’s carrying his evidence in a hanging file folder he clearly stole from his job. hope his manager isn’t watching!!!
the complaint: michelle dated anthony but he punched her in front of her children (how dare he!?) so she had him arrested, now she’s suing him for stolen money and a car.
what does she want: $3016??? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING CAR
how it went down: okay wait, to kick this one off greg says “alright, tell me what’s happenin’” like he’s breaking up a fight between his children and i love it. that’s how i would be in court if i was a judge, which will never happen because i have a shaky moral compass and also i can’t read. michelle says she met anthony on a “date site” (PLEASE) and she began to date him. she trusted him, then he began to “lie, cheat, and steal.” she says he punched her in the face (the audience immediately begins sharpening their pitchforks in the background) in front of her two children and was charged with domestic battery. the judge asks if he was convicted and michelle hands him proof that anthony was. why…………….did he come here today????????
anthony’s like “hahaha, how you doin’ judge mathis?” as if they’re old friends grabbing a beer and greg makes a face very similar to the one i make when i’m groping around my butthole in the darkened bathroom at two in the morning trying to shoot viscous lidocaine (don’t click that) into it. anthony says he’s “not the type of person” to go around hitting women (he has four sisters, you see, so automatically he is a feminist) but i believe there’s a police report somewhere in the pile of cvs receipts on the judge’s bench that suggests otherwise??? i have three sisters and you know what? i watched one put another through the kitchen wall one time, maybe she should put in an application to be president of the national organization for women!
anthony says he and michelle were hanging out on memorial day weekend and she was getting drunk off boxed wine while he was messing around on facebook. he says michelle got mad because he was responding to a message from a “female friend of [his]” and started hitting him in the head, which is very bad! greg’s messy ass is like “were you sexting?” and dude says no it was a friend he hadn’t talked to in a while and they were innocently catching up (come on, man!!! we all know what that means!!!!!!!!) and that what actually made michelle mad was that anthony refused to tell this long lost womanfriend that he was “kicking it with his girl.”
anthony says he wouldn’t write that because he and michelle were JUST FRIENDS and i hear that but also: if the woman he’s talking to on facebook (god i love old people so much) was just a childhood friend he’d reconnected with, what would she care if he and michelle were in a relationship or not??? i’m not a wife guy but you better believe if i blew the inch of dust off my friendster password to talk to someone i haven’t seen since seventh grade and kirsten walked in the room like SEND THEM THAT PICTURE OF US LOOKING HAPPY i would do it!!!!!! i’m not spending the rest of the night getting glared at from the other side of the couch over some stupid ass bullshit!!! i’m trying to watch survivor in peace!!!!!!
anthony says that after michelle slapped him she threw her wine in his face (not the franzia????) and hit him with a coffee cup and his knee-jerk reaction was to hit her, which brings to mind the ancient negro proverb “don’t start none, won’t be none.” greg asks michelle if this is how it went down and she said “some of that is true” and now i’m wondering why she came here today. michelle says anthony was talking to this woman using her computer, and when she tried to snatch it away from him he grabbed her by her jaw so hard he left a handprint, and that’s when she threw her cold glass of sunset blush or maybe it was wild berry moscato into anthony’s face. not to be callous, because i’m sure getting an eyeful of strawberry rosé burns like hell, but it’s pretty impressive that she got the wine all the way up to his face? this is like a modern retelling of david and goliath!!!!!!!
greg reminds us that this case has nothing to do with the in-home bar brawl and everything to do with a car and money that we have not heard about yet. okay, i don’t fully understand this because 1 michelle isn’t describing this in the clearest way and 2 i am delirious due to the fireworks display currently taking place in my underwear, so bear with me. anthony went to jail, then he asked michelle to bond him out because he “didn’t like to be with indiana inmates.” they had separate accounts at the same bank, so michelle gave him her account information so he could transfer money to bond himself out, which he did before immediately going back to ohio and draining a bunch of money out of her account. not a very friendly thing to do, eh???
okay this next part is confusing too, and by “confusing” i mean “this dude’s dick game must be extraordinary.” after anthony leaves for ohio he has to come back to indiana to serve his time once he’s found guilty, and when he got out the second time michelle took pity on him and let him move in with her??? and use her car to get back and forth between indiana and ohio????? greg asks michelle if she and anthony were back together at that point (because honestly why is she doing all this for a dude who punched her in the face and made her get buttery chardonnay all over her bedroom carpet?) and michelle says no and you’ll never believe why: because anthony was in a new relationship with that lady from his facebook!!!!!!!!!!!!!! knock me over with a damn feather!!
the ruling: one day michelle was at work and anthony called her on her break to tell her that he’d totaled her car which is insane. let’s clear something up right now, nobody fucks this good. not even xavier thicc (don’t google him at work or you will be terminated immediately) could have me acting this big a fool. come on, michelle! anthony says he did borrow the car but only once, to drive to cincinatti the first night he got out of jail. during that fateful trip he says it was raining and he crashed, and he shouldn’t have to pay for the damage because when he called michelle to tell her about the accident she didn’t say “you owe me money,” she just kept asking if he was okay. this is making me mad!!!!! she’s an asshole because she asked after this man’s health in the minutes after he’d hydroplaned into a wall rather than tallying up what she expected to be paid for the smoldering remains of her vehicle??? I THINK THE FUCK NOT. and neither does greg. judgment for the plaintiff, who is already on her way to walmart to get several boxes of chillable red.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: not even once!!! so here’s one from the comments: “Met on a date site. CASE CLOSED.”