who's on judge mathis today? #256
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: tasha from buffalo, new york. is she a member of bills mafia??? do you think she knows josh allen????? i am obsessed with josh (seen here reassuring me that he would still love me even if i only wanna do sex stuff from the waist up with the lights off) by which i mean i am in love with him and would risk it all for so much as an extended hand-hold. congratulations on their win sunday but never mind that, tasha sweeps grandly into the courtroom riding a wave of frigid northeastern air in a midnight blue turtleneck topped with a long white cardigan that has long white fringe dangling from every available hem, topped off by a short, shiny bob complete with a royal blue bang. eleganza!
defendant: dmarcus from buffalo, new york. I LOVE A MAN IN A COZY SWEATER!!! attention men: wear more sweaters! every single one of you looks great in them!! dmarcus is wearing a deep green v neck with no undershirt beneath, which is how i like it. i’m not sure why every man doesn’t do that (scratchy nipples?) but they should because that slice of raw collarbone peeking out from behind a fuzzy neckline?????? that is my porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the complaint: tasha met dmarcus at work and they started dating, then dmarcus rented a car under her name and got the car taken away, so she is suing.
what does she want: $600
how it went down: sade’s birthday was a couple days ago and, as a certified auntie smooth jazzitarian, to celebrate i’ve been listening to this absolute banger on a loop all! goddamn! day! every single one of her records has zero skips (at least every record made before 1992, i don’t believe in listening to new music) plus sade is elegance and glamour made flesh, not to mention the maker of the best sensual jams. she rules. bring back earnest saxophone solos and muted trumpets to popular music!!!!!
tasha says that she’s a healthcare worker and program coordinator at a community center and dmarcus worked in another department at the same center and that’s how they met. she says they started flirting in november but she didn’t think anything of it because 1 dmarcus is a huge flirt and 2 he mostly seemed interested in the white women at the job. greg’s eyebrows shoot up and dmarcus responds by saying “my babymama is white.” so……………..? what are we supposed to say?? lmao what reaction is he hoping to elicit?????
tasha says that one day dmarcus came into work “with a situation” and she helped him “out of that situation” (please, o merciful god, ask judge mathis to force her to disclose what this means) and then assumed things would go back to how they’d always been. but dmarcus kept coming around, hanging out by her desk and talking to her for hours. okay i’m sorry but the former manager-of-people-who-need-to-be-doing-work in me is absolutely itching at the idea of people settling in for a first date while on the job, BUT: the romantic in me wants tasha to be feted by a tall, handsome man in cuddly knitwear, so i’ll allow it. just this once and then i’m writing them up!
and oh noooo we’re finding out what the situation was: dmarcus is an addict, and tasha is a former crack addict of fifteen years (eight years clean!!!!!!!!!!) who does drug counseling, and drugs were the reason she had to help him out. tasha says that dmarcus broke up with his girlfriend in january and they immediately started hooking up, including weeklong stays in her apartment. i can’t tell whether or not she had love feelings for him but there was definitely something. dmarcus is like “i’m here basically because she’s mad that we don’t deal with each other anymore” and okay maybe that’s what it is but did you jack a midsize enterprise suv or not???
dmarcus says that he only slept with tasha twice (we’re not here contesting a body count, sir!!!!!) and she knew he was in a relationship at the time they were seeing each other. he says that tasha was something like a “sugar mom” and yes he fucking said MOM. i cringed so hard i almost broke my goddamn teeth!! the judge, who is the sitting president of the detroit chapter of the national organization for women, hates this kind of disrespectful shit, so he says, “sugar mama? oh yeah?? what did you get from her???” dmarcus leans back all cool and drawls “a couple thousand. and some gifts.” tasha says he’s lying and dmarcus says “if it’s not true i wouldn’t be here,” then ms. magazine managing editor gregory ellis mathis screams “YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE IF YOU DIDN’T OWE HER.” greg prefers his crackhead defendants meek and apologetic, so this might not be the bro down dmarcus thinks it will.
greg asks dmarcus’s witness, a teeny little thing in an oversized royal blue shirt with a long ponytail and enormous bangs, to stand up. turns out she’s his fianceé, recently upgraded from “woman i dumped to have sex with my makeshift drug counselor.” the judge asks latoya the fianceé if dmarcus is a good guy and she says yes, and this has no bearing on his goodness or lack thereof but it is worth noting that she is black, so there’s a white lady or several out there who might disagree. tasha sure does, and she says that dmarcus talked cash shit about latoya to her and if she knew the half of what he’d said she wouldn’t be in court with him today, to which latoya says (unconvincingly!) “i knew about you!”
first of all that’s not what she said and second of all that is not an accomplishment. tasha and latoya start shouting angrily at each other (where’s dmarcus? is he busy getting in the guillotine, or) then greg asks latoya to sit down because the fun he was trying to have with her is clearly not on the menu today! latoya turns to sit and she’s wearing a maternity tent, not an homage to oversized 90s fashions, and dude couldn’t let her rest at home instead of getting her blood pressure up watching this from the front row??? not a good guy!
dmarcus starts spinning this yarn about how he only spent two nights at tasha’s house but tasha has proof that not only was he there for weeks, but he also went to her aunt’s house for easter dinner. that’s a big deal in some households!!!!! (if you take one bite of my easter ham we are legally married, sorry!) tasha says dmarcus was always “busted looking” so she bought him some clothes so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed in front of her entire family, but not thousands of dollars worth of clothes! (although she admits she purchased him a pair of air force ones plus a fancy sweatsuit and maybe those things cost $$$ but i’m not looking it up, who cares!)
for his birthday, dmarcus wanted to rent a car. he’d just gotten paid, but he didn’t have a credit card to rent the car with. dmarcus paid for the rental (judge mathis: “you paid for your own car?? what kind of sugar mama you got???”) but used tasha’s card for the transaction/deposit/all the flaming fucking hoops you gotta jump through just to borrow a goddamn chevy cruze for a couple days. tasha says that although they’d rented the car for a week, dmarcus barely got to drive it for one night: the same evening they picked up the rental car he was pulled over for not having his headlights on and the cops discovered he was actively smoking a joint and didn’t actually have a license. i smoke a lot of weed (ugh shut the fuck up we know, sam) but never when i’m driving because i like to be awake behind the wheel of an accidental murder machine, and i literally cannot imagine what i’d do if a cop tapped on my window as i was firing up a bowl??? i would shit myself then present my wrists for the cuffs, i guess? what recourse does one even have in such a “situation???”
a couple weeks ago, on one of my many recent hospital visits, i had to go to the emergency room while stoned out of my mind. i didn’t know how bad my butt ulcers were at the time i took my nighttime 20mg gummy but shortly thereafter i knew i needed to see a doctor. i get up, kirsten gets up to drive me, my screaming pain/adrenaline cocktail takes hold and i am definitely NOT HIGH on the drive over, not high when i got dropped off, not high during triage, and not high when the doctor clicked on a spotlight to forage around in my poop shoot, but the minute he stuck a gauze pad soaked in numbing liquid between my cheeks and left me alone to relax??? SUPER FUCKING HIGH. i was lying on my side in the hospital bed like “why do i feel weird?” and then zoom! i was on jupiter watching quasars behind my eyelids. anyway if an officer of the law had yanked back the beige curtain in that moment, demanding to know why i didn’t have lights on, i would’ve burst into tears and immediately fallen into an impenetrable sleep with my head in his lap.
the ruling: tasha called the rental company after dmarcus got in touch with her from jail and they told her that not only would she have to pay for the car being impounded, she was also on the hook for dmarcus’s decision to smoke inside the vehicle. enterprise does not play about that smoking shit!!!!! you can’t even look at a cigarette while driving one of their cars or they charge you three hundred bucks. tasha says dmarcus gave her $400 more eventually, but the rental spot charged her a total of $1387, one dollar for every puff of weed he took in their precious 2017 nissan juke. (haha jk jk)
dmarcus says he shouldn’t have to pay because his name wasn’t on the rental agreement, despite the fact that tasha rented the car for him and he was caught breaking the law in it, oh and also he already gave her eight hundred dollars how much more could she possibly want??? (someone subtract $800 from $1387 and tell us the answer.) the judge is looking at him like YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME MAN until dmarcus drops his head and ashamedly says “you know what, you’re right. i should pay for it.” wow, growth!!! in approximately twelve minutes and twenty-seven seconds??? miraculous.
even though it’s pretty clear she’s already won her case, tasha wants to kick dmarcus in the nuts one last time and gives the judge a promissory note that he’d signed promising to pay her back and also a handwritten, heartfelt love letter thanking tasha for everything she’s done for him and telling her what a blessing she’s been to his life and saying over and over again how much he cares for her and if you didn’t know marijuana is hell on your short term memory here is the damn proof: a man who wrote an entire sonnet for a woman tries to play off their relationship like she’s some dickmatized moron until he has his lovey dovey words read back to him while he blushes sheepishly and avoids eye contact with his pregnant lady. judgment for the plaintiff, who next time should just rent a boyfriend instead!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “well she wasn’t a sugar mama to ya, she was a loan mama, because she wants her money back.”