who's on judge mathis today? #261

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: delbert and rebecca from humboldt, nebraska. at first i thought these two were a couple but then i clocked their extremely visible age difference and……………..continued to think they were a couple. delbert is rebecca’s dad apparently, and he looks a little bit like another famous dad: dave from wendy’s. it’s uncanny!!! if rebecca put her hair in two pigtails right now i would ask her for a cheeseburger!

defendant: brandon from lincoln, nebraska. right on time for st patrick’s day, brandon storms into the courtroom, red hair and matching beard ablaze, in a dark grey dress shirt with a blue striped tie. he also has that caesar haircut that george clooney made famous that every dude you knew in 2014 had, even though the only person to ever look good in that haircut was george clooney.

the complaint: delbert and rebecca say she dated brandon off and on for years, but they suspect he was cheating and now she’s suing him for the balance due on a loan.

what does she want: $1900

how it went down: rebecca says she and brandon were engaged and scheduled to get married this year. she says that everything was cool until thanksgiving, when she discovered that brandon had been visiting a “fetish dating site.” greg’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline and i know he wants to ask what brandon’s kink is but this show comes on at three in the afternoon so not a damn chance. the first time i learned what fetlife (don’t click that at work) is i was at a show at the burlington in chicago and this man told a story about how he found women online who were willing to vomit on him during sex. i had……………..more questions than you would believe (is there a specific food you like to feel? does the lady stick her finger down her throat and gag and choke and cry and snot like i do or is this her specialty and she just flexes an ab and the puke comes right up? do you put a tarp on the floor or get in the shower or what? has the sound of someone vomiting on you ever made you vomit?) but melissa’s bossy ass was standing at the bar yelling at me that it was midnight therefore time to go so i couldn’t, but i still think about that guy all the time.

rebecca says that she also found many messages between brandon and other women, including message in which he begged them to meet up, but when he proposed to her at christmas she thought he must be turning over a new leaf and SHE SAID YES????? i know that forgiveness is strength or whatever pastel instagram infographics try to teach us, but if you gotta push aside your turkey and cranberries to scroll past a hundred embarrassing messages in which your man is begging strangers for pussy i’m sorry but what possible leaf could this dude have turned in a matter of weeks? when did he demonstrate that he was a changed man, when y’all were in line outside burlington coat factory before dawn trying to catch a deal on black friday??? and the nerve of him, proposing on christmas eve when everyone is too wasted on eggnog to be in their right minds. wanna know what jesus would not do? ANY OF THIS.

brandon says the messages rebecca is referring to were simply him trying to get relationship advice from a friend. you gotta tie a bitch up to ask her how to talk to your woman???? okay! wait, brandon says that was a different incident, the one he’s talking about involves all the text messages rebecca claims to have seen, which are different from the sex-begging ones on the dating site. brandon says his behavior was justified because rebecca’s friend told him that rebecca didn’t love him anymore (is this the advice friend??? sounds like she has the spirit of a fucking hater) and once in the past rebecca they’d broken up and she went back to an old boyfriend. imagine getting blindsided today in retaliation of a mutual decision you made in 2013??? i would be apoplectic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

brandon says, in a tone i don’t particularly care for, that eventually he “took rebecca back” (lol) and when he did so she was on both her third DUI and probation. he continues “then i got put on probation” (the judge: “FOR WHAT”) “for tampering with physical evidence.” omg that sounds fancy? aren’t most people on probation for like “stealing a car” or “having an unregistered firearm?” tampering with physical evidence sounds like some FBI sting operation type of shit!!! greg is mad because dude talked down his nose about rebecca’s DUIs and demands to know exactly what brandon did to get on probation, and he says something like “my brother was running a meth lab and i broke some of the equipment.” excuse me??? like, sure, babygirl probably shouldn’t have had a forty in her lap while operating a motor vehicle but trying to hide meth lab evidence is markedly worse????? more nerve than a fucking toothache, this jagoff.

delbert steps in (sidebar: let’s bring back names like DELBERT, OTIS, HERMAN, and CLIFFORD!!!!!!! i love an old man name!) and says that brandon came to him for a loan to pay off the title for his jeep. brandon sang delbert a sad, sad song about how he was going to go to jail if he didn’t pay off his title (lawyers, is this real???) and delbert felt bad for him and took him down to the county clerk’s office and paid $3400 to clear it. brandon promised to pay back the debt within six months using money that his mom “was gonna get from cashing out some bonds.” woof, that’s worse than the tax lie. he might as well have told him he was waiting to strike oil.

delbert says brandon came up with $1500 and told him he’d take care of the rest with his tax return (bitch it knew it!!!!!!) and a bonus he was supposed to be getting from work. delbert’s old ass has a deep, growling baritone that is reverberating up my spine and reminding me once again how much i love old men. greg starts laughing and tells delbert that “income tax” means “i’m never paying you back.” greg asks brandon why he didn’t give his future father-in-law his money back and he says he didn’t get an income tax return. greg rolls his eyes and asks why not and brandon says “because i’m behind on child support.” wow! bdsm, meth labs, and child support arrears???? THE HOLY TRINITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the ruling: greg is like “your only defense is that the government seized your income tax?” and brandon says “well, i did pay the fifteen hundred dollars!” and he sounds like one of these kids when i ask why the kitchen isn’t clean and they say “well we did put the dishes in the sink!” as if that will keep the blood from shooting out of my head like hot lava. brandon says he had every intention of repaying the balance but he didn’t because rebecca started harassing him and his mother with calls and texts. the judge tells him it’s too bad he didn’t countersue for harassment then because this case is over and he lost. judgment for delbert, who i hope is gonna spend it on something sexy. meowwww.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you were on a kinky fetish website to get relationship advice?!!!???!?!?!?!?!!!???!”

*bangs gavel*

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