who's on judge mathis today? #262
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated show of all time
plaintiff: mark from los angeles, california. mark strolls into the courtroom in a casket-sharp black suit, shiny black walking stick in hand, his bald milkdud head polished to a gleam. he’s paired it with a lavender dress shirt, a satin lavender patterned tie, and a very crisp salt and pepper beard. this man dressed for the cameras, and we thank him.
defendant: lisa from los angeles, california. lisa is a visibly angry statuesque goddess who looks like she dipped out of her job as a high school teacher and is hoping this case is settled by the end of her lunch break. she’s wearing black and grey pinstriped pants with a red and white pinstriped collared blouse, small rectangular rimless glasses, and i am devastated to find there’s no lanyard with her ID on it draped around her neck. this woman screams “turn in your history assignment no later than fourth period!!!” that is the scowl of a person who has broken up a fight while also teaching the multiplication table!
the complaint: mark says he knew lisa was married when they began dating but she swore she was getting a divorce, which never happened, and now he’s suing her (and her husband, too, if you think about it) for an unpaid loan!
what does he want: $600
how it went down: mark says “your honor, i met miss boyd on the bus while riding to school” and i’m sorry but do i need to go play the fucking lottery????? setting aside the fact that mark is easily 62 years old and there’s no way lisa was teaching him about anything other than getting scammed, babes i’m psychic!!!!!!!!!!! mark says he knew lisa for a year and a half before the relationship became romantic, and that he knew she was married that entire time but she assured him she was going to get a divorce. mark says that even though they dated for three years lisa never got around to serving her man with those papers.
taking into account that i have no fucking idea what he is going to say next, isn’t mark also at fault (to a lesser degree, but still) for being with a married woman for three years??? three years is such a long fucking time!! you can’t accidentally bang another dude’s wife for three damn years!!!! they were together for the entire length of the pandemic (up til now): THAT IS TOO LONG A TIME TO ACT LIKE SHE TRICKED HIM. doesn’t march 2020 feel like, i don’t know, dinosaur years in the past??? imagine starting to romance lisa during the great toilet paper shortage of spring 2020 then waking up TODAY and looking at her on the opposite side of the bed like “bitch, you ain’t divorced yet?” that’s fucking nuts. if he’s pissed and hurt after a few months? i get it, truly. make a burn book, flatten her tires, whatever you gotta do to make yourself feel better. but a few yearssssss? man, you are complicit!!!!!!!!!!
greg’s messy ass says “how did you guys date?” and mark says that they would go away together on weekends, or sometimes he’d meet her (at the playground, ya know?) when he was done with school. he says they went to museums and saw movies and all that regular date shit but it wasn’t all wholesome, he says they also would meet up at motels to have sex for $37 an hour. mark says he was in love with lisa, that he’s still in love with lisa, and to prove it he’s brought the friendship ring he gave her to court today and wants to give it back to her because he doesn’t want to lose her friendship. what kind of sucker shit is this??? lisa rolls her eyes and emits the heaviest negro spiritual sigh i have ever heard outside of a too-long revival service. she is over his corny ass!!!
the judge turns to lisa and asks to hear it from her perspective and she keeps it short and sweet: “we met each other, we dated, and then he left this on my husband’s car.” out of her accordion of truth comes the battered top to a domino’s pizza box with the words YOUR WIFE IS A CHEATER scribbled on the back. okay that is hilarious (in a demonic way) but i’m sorry, bub: you thought y’all were gonna be friends after that?????? from one delusional bozo to another, get a fucking grip!
please god, imagine polishing off your crunchy thin crust pizza then thinking to yourself “man i gotta tattle on lisa to her husband,” looking around for a piece of paper to write a note on and, finding none, ripping the top off your greasy pizza box and using that instead????? i am going to pass away!!
greg wants to squeeze all the juice out of this grapefruit and he says to lisa “let’s go back.” he asks her if she was ever in love with mark and she says no, that she loved mark of course but she was never in love with him. the judge keeps pushing, asking her what went wrong with mark, and she says mark wanted to her to get a divorce on his timetable, not on hers. greg says “and when do you want to get divorced?” and lisa flatly replies “when i’m good and ready.” wow, i think i might be in love with lisa, too!
continuing the mess train, greg says “before we get to the loan, let’s talk about this ring you brought.” my stomach just lurched into my esophagus, i cannot sit here and watch whatever humiliating thing might happen next. like, what if he gets down on one knee or something??? i will for real die. my palms are starting to sweat!!!!! okay mark says he had the ring repaired because he wanted something to “symbolize [his] friendship” with a woman he was desperately in love with. come on, man. we know what that ring is about, stop lying. mark says he took a ring that lisa already owned and had the stones replaced (if it turns out to be her wedding ring, i swear to god) but he never gave it to her because the last time they were supposed to hang out she stood him up.
he goes on to say that over the three years lisa has “stood [him] up” 80% of the time, which doesn’t seem out of line to me considering that she has a whole husband at home? you can’t knowingly enter a relationship with a married person and expect to be first on the call sheet!!! GET ON THE BACK BURNER AND STAY THERE. anyway the last time they were supposed to meet up to go to church together (bitch, i can’t) and when lisa didn’t show up mark went to the hotel room they were supposed to share (scripture makes me horny, too!) and ate a pizza and “drank and drank and drank and drank.” after all those drinks he started to get mad (and probably had bubble guts from the domino’s, to boot) and he wrote that mean note and put it on lisa’s husband’s innocently bystanding car.
mark doesn’t tell us what the loan is for (a crime) but he says that after the final time lisa stood him up and he drunkenly stuck an old cheesy piece of cardboard under her man’s windshield wiper, mark decided that he’d had enough and he called lisa and demanded his $600 back. the judge asks what she said and mark says she told him “you told me to keep it.” on the one hand, a dude who picks up married women on the bus is probably not the guy who would tell you not worry about paying him back hundreds of dollars; but on the other, clammier hand, mark is obviously wide open for this woman, a cuckold of the highest order, and it doesn’t seem out of (what we know of) his character that he’d give lisa whatever she wanted, no strings attached.
lisa echoes what mark says, curtly telling greg that yes he gave her money but no he didn’t tell her he wanted it back. i admire lisa’s repeated attempts to brusquely move this shit along and not get bogged down in the details, BUT: greg is a gossip hound and lisa’s weird extramarital situationship is a big, juicy bone. he wants to know if lisa really stood mark up and she says yeah because she was married!!!!!! what’s not clicking!!!!!!!!!! mark is across the way doing a method eeyore impression with his chin resting on his chest, eyes downcast, and lisa very matter-of-factly says that mark wanted to control her and (these are my words) couldn’t reconcile the fact that he was settling for second place.
greg wants to know what lisa needed the money for and she says to pay her water bill and greg interjects “yours and your husband’s water bill?” and lisa’s like “yep!” man, i love this bitch. she should be president. lisa says mark (whom she keeps referring to as “mister french”) knew exactly what she was going to use the money for and assured her that she never had to pay it back. lisa whips out some printed out text sheets™ in which mark not only threatens to show her husband and all their mutuals the “love pictures” he has of the two of them (vomit), but he also says that lisa can pay him back “in trade” i.e. she could pay him back in ass. okay i’m not a lawyer (i missed one question on the bar) but if you told me i could reverse cowgirl my way out of debt, why would i think i would ever have to give you money??? take what you can get out of my flesh wallet (revolting) and call it a goddamn day!!!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: the judge looks up from the texts and asks mark “did you ever………..ask for cash????” and instead of saying “no” like we all know he should mark says “who knows what i texted, i was three sheets to the wind!” um, the judge knows? because he is currently reading your sms correspondence??? next greg tells mark that extortion is a crime (mark is literally the lady in the math meme as the judge explains to him why he should be on the receiving end of this lawsuit), and if he’d planned on suing lisa anyway he should’ve just done that. mark tries to save himself by saying “all those love photos” disgusting “have been destroyed,” but it’s too fucking late, man. even if they were (you know they’re jammed under his pillow right tf now!!), the judge can’t make lisa pay money mark tried to extort from her. judgment for absolutely no one, except well maybe the noid.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “80% of the time? and you got drunk every single time she didn’t show up? you must be an alcoholic by now!!!!!”
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