who's on judge mathis today? #265

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: josephine from chicago, illinois. speaking of chicago, if you’d like to hug me there on may 18 you can get tickets to do so here. my event is on loyola’s campus, right down the street from my longtime home in a condemned building at lunt and sheridan. i haven’t been back to rogers park since i left seven years ago!!! is the african spot with the scented oils still open? what about r public house on jarvis?? or bopNgrill??? how is everybody at sonny’s food store, the last place in america one could pay a dollar to send and/or receive a fax???? WHAT IF I GO HOME ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT EVERYTHING I LOVE HAS DIED?????

defendant: patricia from chicago, illinois. patricia is wearing a tight, sexy black bodycon dress that hugs her lovely lady lumps just right, thick fake lashes that are the length of a small child’s fingers, and a fresh relaxer. she immediately begins digging through her accordion of truth™ upon her arrival at the podium, which is a very good sign.

the complaint: josephine says she’s known patricia for years and they used to be close. she says she loaned her friend some cash, and she did repay some of it, but the plaintiff is suing for the balance due.

what does she want: $50?? ma’am…………………………………………….absolutely tf not!!

how it went down: the judge kicks things off by commending josephine for bringing this extremely small claim to small claims court, because that means she and patricia won’t have to resort to physical violence. WHAT. does he know them? or does he know that fifty bucks is the perfect amount to beat someone’s ass over??? these women are roughly 20 to 95 years old (black, as you’ve undoubtedly heard, do not crack) and josephine is wearing a neon lime blazer, a bump n curl, and magnifying readers from walgreens: these are not ladies who might drop kick each other in the parking lot!!!!! they just got outta church!!!!!!!!!!!!

josephine begins, “i’ve known patricia for the last five years because she did my eyelashes.” first of all, thank you god for this case. secondly, i knew those luxurious lashes were up to something!!! i love glamorous people!!!!!!! josephine says that she considers her a friend (i follow my barber on instagram and have met his family so this tracks) and a surrogate daughter; she says that many times when patricia has been in trouble she’s called on josephine for advice. she says “i gave her money to help her and i don’t know what’s going on, i’m really shocked she disrespected me” and come on now, sister. if you treat someone like your kid then they’re going to treat you like their parent!!! you’re a talking bank with shoes on!!!!!! just be glad she’s not also throwing a tantrum on your dining room floor!!!!!!!!!!

josephine says that back in the day she would’ve “taken it to the street” because she ain’t no punk and she’s “not gonna let anybody gangsta [her]” (note to self: adopt that phrase!) which is why she brought patricia to court. josephine says she is 73 (she looks incredible, holy shit?????) and is too old to be out here fighting bitches over fifty bucks. greg is like “your nails and eyelashes are looking good, she never gave you a break on that?” and josephine yells a defiant NO.

patricia says she and “miss josephine” (reminding us she’s an elder, got it) have been friends since she opened her lash business in 2007. she says miss josephine has been a faithful client and something of a mentor to her (she says it in an ageist way, i can’t explain what i mean but y’all get it) and then she breaks down crying, saying “i can’t believe she brought me on here for fifty dollars.” okay neither could i, at first, but now with the revelation that miss josephine was alive during the civil rights movement it makes perfect sense: do not try to cheat the elderly, they don’t have much going on during the day and that leaves them plenty of time to get reverse mortgages and call the judge mathis hotline on their enemies!!!!!!!!!!

i once referred to my grandma as “where’s my change” because if i ran to the corner store for her the first thing she’d say upon my return, before i could even get my care bears windbreaker off, is “GET IN HERE WITH MY CHANGE.” there was no “use what’s left after you buy my cigarettes to get yourself some candy,” it was “GIRL YOU SHORTED ME A NICKEL” followed by a smack to my little thieving hand. the moral of this boring story is don’t fuck with old people about their dwindling pensions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway patricia explains through tears that josephine told her that she could pay her back in installments every time she came in to get her lashes done and patricia agreed. (i don’t know how often you need to get your lashes done and i’m not looking because then i’ll be chased around the internet for weeks on end by ads for mascara and latisse!) the day of the final $50 lash repayment appointment patricia was working out of town when josephine texted her for a lash switchup, and patricia said okay but it would take her a little bit to get back to chicago, and josephine got pissed and went and got her lashes done by someone else and now then she got summonsed to court. i’m sorry, WHAT.

patricia’s speeding down the dan ryan trying to get to her glue gun (probably?) so she could take care of miss josephine and get her paid, and in, what, a matter of minutes? she decides to say fuck her and sues patricia instead??? that’s some cold shit. patricia, dabbing at her eyes again (it’s working on me, sorry!), says that lashes are supposed to be changed every other week (apathy paying dividends, yet again) and josephine was irregular with her visits and it’s hard to pay someone back when you never know when you’re going to see them!

josephine says she told patricia that she “don’t play about her money” which even i know is code for “think twice about borrowing from me, i don’t give a fuck about hurting you if you don’t pay me back,” and greg says to josephine “you know what your problem is? you got too much of that street left in ya. you need to let that go!” josephine concedes that yeah she might be too old to still be out here thuggin. in a surprise twist, the judge starts ripping josephine a new one about her attitude (okay for real because this lady talks like a mobster in a scorsese movie, all bravado and talk about respect and the code of the streets, etc etc) telling her that she should be ashamed of herself for dragging this young weeping lashtician into his courtroom!

the ruling: the judge, while making his patented “exasperated” face, yells at josephine “you need to leave them street values alone! let this young woman go with this fifty dollars!” and josephine, smiling while sadly shaking her head, says “i can’t do it, your honor. it goes against my principles.” greg does an exaggerated disapproving head shake and apologizes to the defendant, telling patricia that it’s not even about her, it’s about “that street life.” patricia gives him the mhmm black lady finger gun like “hell yeah i’m a gangster” and remember when i thought she looked like a deaconess who just left choir practice slash bible study down at bethel ame zion????? judgment for miss josephine and prayers up for her nail technician and the lady who does her hair.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “why you in here suing her for $50? is it the principle? you look like you got money!!!!”

*bangs gavel*

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