who's on judge mathis today? #267
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: aubrey from detroit, michigan. okay not to be an insane person and actually recommending someone a fucking salad of all things, BUT: i was in detroit a couple months ago and ordered the italian chopped from mootz and brother, it changed my life. it was so incredibly delicious, and yes i am waxing rhapsodic over a pile of weeds with glorified thousand island dressing on them and so what? that shit is good. anyway, aubrey comes stomping into the room like he just graduated from miss jay’s model walking academy and i’m in love already. he’s wearing a cozy navy blue sweater over a pale peach dress shirt and his accordion of truth™ is wound up tight.
defendant: shakita from detroit, michigan. it appears that shakita has gone shopping in my very own closet, striding into the courtroom wearing black pants, a black blouse that kinda nips in at the waist, giant silver hoops, and the signature samantha irby “please don’t talk to me, i’m flop sweating” uncomfortable grimace. she looks amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the complaint: aubrey was friends with shakita, but then a car deal between them went bad and he claims shakita and her husband began harassing him. now aubrey’s suing her for breach of contract and emotional distress!
what does he want: 3000 clams!!! countersuit filed: shakita would like $3000 because aubrey hit her with a car door and kicked her. wait a minute, with his foot??? excuse please?????
how it went down: this is probably a great time to tell you that our litigants today are in their 30s to 40s, which is important because CAN YOU BELIEVE A GROWN ASS MAN RAISED HIS CREAKY OLD LEG TO FUCKING KICK SOMEBODY??? i cannot get over it. kicking has gotta be like level three on the ultimate disrespect list, right? okay so there’s:
1 spitting on me or anywhere near my general person FIRING SQUAD
2 slapping me in my adorable face GUILLOTINE
3 raising your actual foot from the dirty-ass ground to fucking kick me?? ELECTRIC CHAIR
4 merging ahead of me in heavy traffic without using a signal LETHAL GAS
alright alright aubrey begins and from the tenor of his voice and the elastic movements made by his neck this is going to be and lgbThrilling case. he says that he moved in down the street from shakita and her mother and while he would see them around he mostly kept to himself. greg asks “why didn’t you talk to them?” and aubrey clarifies that he did become “good friends” with shakita’s mom but he kept his distance from her. aubrey says there was no animosity, he just steered clear because he likes to mind his own business. the judge asks shakita why she thinks he did that and she responds, “drama queen.” aubrey replies, “that, too.”
aubrey continues, saying that one day while he was on his way to drop his little sister off at school (okay, so…………..let’s say he’s 25? still to old to be kicking somebody, goddammit) he saw shakita and her husband pull up next to him at a red light. he says that he needed to get over (HE BETTER HAVE USED HIS FUCKING BLINKER) and shakita interjects to say, “he tried to hit the back of our truck.” aubrey (enraged, i.e. waving his hands at mach 2) says that they were on grand river and there’s no way to get on the freeway other than the ramp from the service drive (this tracks) and since shakita and mister shakita were in the lane for the service drive he had no choice but to get behind them once he realized he was in the wrong lane!
he says mister shakita jumped out of the car after making some aggressive-seeming hand motions and shouted “do you have a problem?” now, i gotta type this verbatim, and i am begging you to imagine hearing it in the zestiest voice possible (emphasis his): “now i’m sitting in my car, smoking my cigarette, in my car with my window cracked, my car that i paid for that i don’t have to pay a note on, and he yells ‘do you have a problem?’ and i say ‘of course i have a problem…with you.’” give aubrey whatever he wants!!!! i’m crying laughing, he’s so fucking funny. and brave, because i don’t think in all my years rotting away on the melting planet i’ve ever heard anyone answer the question “do you have a problem?” with “yes, it’s you.”
okay the actual story is too long to get into but the gist is that mister shakita punched aubrey in the head through his open car window (where was the cigarette???) and accused aubrey of “following them for three days.” they………….are neighbors? and…………………….all their children go to the same school??? he’s not following y’all! honestly you dudes need to be carpooling, the way these gas prices are????? aubrey says shakita gets out of her truck and opens his car door, at which point he kicked her. you know what, i get it. she left him with no choice. “trapped in a running car at a stoplight next to the freeway while your neighbors violently attack you” is an okay time to put your foot in a bitch’s midsection!!!
aubrey monologues (he’s gotta be a shakespearean actor when he’s not smoking cigs on the freeway) for a couple minutes about how america is a free country and he can go where he wants (the audience claps, i’m not bullshitting) and thankfully greg interrupts him right before he launches into the articles of the constitution from memory (probably), asking if this is the “emotional distress” he is suing for and aubrey says yes. also, i didn’t fuck up and skip the part about the deal these two parties made and supposedly breached, aubrey has not gotten to that part yet. we’re seven minutes in! i mean, he is putting on an incredible show, but that show so far has not told us 1 why we are watching it or 2 what it is about.
finally shakita is allowed to give us her version of events, and she says that she and aubrey were actually close friends? close enough that when her license got suspended aubrey acted as her personal chauffeur and drove her literally everywhere she had to go?? shakira says that aubrey has terrible road rage; once when he was driving her someplace another car dipped into his lane for just a second and aubrey chased that person down while screaming out his car window. that is my actual worst nightmare, someone chasing me down to scream at me about some minor infraction i didn’t even realize i’d made. shakita says that lunatic behavior is why her husband suspected aubrey might be following them!!!!!
so the fourth day mister sharkita saw aubrey in his rearview mirror it was because aubrey was behind them gunning his engine, which mister shakita received as a threat, so he jumped out of the car to protect his wife and three children inside. i’m not a lawyer (you were confused, right) but it doesn’t seem to me like “he vroomed his engine at me” is a permissible reason to punch a person strapped into a 2019 kia rio (i’m just guessing!!!) in the middle of the morning rush!
shakita says that neither of them called the police or made a report, they just went on their separate ways, back to the block they all live on lmaoo. shakita dropped off her kids with her mom, and when she came back aubrey had pulled up to her house and was like “what’s up now?” like they were gonna fight. fun fact: his 13-year-old sister was still with him, and she started threatening shakita, too!!! so they all started fucking each other up, aubrey vs mister shakita and shakita vs a girl who should’ve been in social studies class.
aubrey says that isn’t true, that he and his sister were driving down the block toward their house and mister and missus shakita were standing in the middle of the street to confront him. boy, this is kind of exhausting and wow oh wow their poor neighbors. imagine trying to eat your rice krispies or whatever and looking up to see this going down outside your window before the sun is even all the way up! i would start packing my shit and call every realtor in the phone book!!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: mama shakita is sitting in the witness chair beside her daughter, and she stands up to corroborate shakita’s side of the story. i mean, DUH. and she does it in totally the mom way: level-headed, cool, serious, believable. i’m worried for aubrey!!! sounds like the judge is gonna split the difference on the ol’ emotional distress because clearly they both were distressing each other, then greg says, “and y’all about to cause me emotional distress, too!” me, too! where is my three thousand dollars???
okay after all that we are finally gonna get around to the breach of contract, which is sad because i’m losing steam. also the NBA draft is on and i wanna go watch it, undistracted!! apparently shakita wrote the contract, saying she was going to sell aubrey her car for $5000. she wanted $2500 for the car (what was left of her car loan) and $2500 for herself. aubrey says he paid shakita $2500 cash (she interrupts, saying something unintelligible about a down payment and aubrey snaps, “we aren’t talking about a down payment right now, boo boo!”) so why did he wake up one morning to find the car had been repo’d?!!?!?!??!!!?!
greg is so tickled by gay men and he’s just cackling his ass off while aubrey loses his mind over this. as would i!!!!!!!! apparently the car had a lien on it (???) and shakita never disclosed that to aubrey, which is against the law in michigan (he checked). aubrey also called the loan company and found out that it would cost $3700 to get the car back. aubrey’s like, “why would i pay her more money when i’ve already given her $2500 and neither of us has that car???” the judge agrees. you can’t sell a car that doesn’t have a free and clear title! judgment for the plaintiff, and LETHAL INJECTION for everyone else.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you’re her mother?????? you look like her sister.” [sly smile] “aight now!”
i took a 20mg edible when i turned my computer on, and i felt that shit screaming through my bloodstream right around the jumping out the car on grand river point (i thought i’d have more time!) in aubrey’s story, which will hopefully explain the quality of this recap in case it sucks.